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#Post#: 4936--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reaching HA
DIR By: BeAware
Date: November 20, 2014, 8:53 pm
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I'm a little lost. I need focus.
I keep coming back here, writing something and then deleting it
because in writing it down either the answer is obvious to me or
I realise it doesn't need answering.
I don't know where to head next. There are several
blockages/stumbling blocks I still have. Just none that jump out
as requiring more urgent attention than another.
I'm at a point now where I'm kind of just floating through life
without direction. I no longer have anything resembling a solid
idea of a future to move toward. I've seen through that. But I
also don't have much idea about anything at the moment. There
doesn't seem to be too much point to anything. I kind of just
feel like I need to stumble around bumping into things and
dealing with them as they arise. Then again, maybe I'm telling
myself there's nothing in particular that needs attention
because I don't want to face it.
Again. I feel like deleting all this and just going and working
everything out on my own. Something indicates I should leave it
here though.
#Post#: 5147--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reaching HA
DIR By: BeAware
Date: November 25, 2014, 9:30 pm
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Hi Jed,
I just read this in one of your rants...
"I'm not suggesting here that one stay in a non-working
relationship. I heartily endorse constructive selfishness. If
your relationship is really not working with someone, that's
wonderful. You have an opportunity to free them up to find
someone else, and for you to do the same. "
My question is, how do I know if my relationship is non-working?
How do I know that it just appears to be non-working because of
all my fears/insecurities and BS?
There's the one side of the coin where you're told that all
issues with other people are just reflections of your internal
state and that life is just holding up a mirror for you to work
through your shit. And I agree with this. I've certainly learned
about my own BS from stuff I project onto my wife and past
partners.
But how would I ever know the difference between needing to stay
and work through my own shit, and when to leave because the
relationship itself is shit?
#Post#: 5150--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reaching HA
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 25, 2014, 11:48 pm
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Dear BA:
How would you know you are happy or in a working relationship? I
can't tell you that, it has to come from your gut. I you think
you are happy, I would guess you are. If you are worried that
it's all a lie and you aren't happy, I would guess it's not
working. I've never had a problem figuring out if I'm happy or
not.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 5531--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reaching HA
DIR By: BeAware
Date: November 30, 2014, 6:04 pm
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So if my gut says something is not right then it's the
relationship that's the issue? Not my perception of said
relationship, or my filters that I view it/her through?
How do I know if something is coming from my gut and not just
another carrot for the ego to chase... 'Once you leave the
relationship you'll be happy'
#Post#: 5532--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reaching HA
DIR By: BeAware
Date: November 30, 2014, 7:17 pm
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Disregard that shit. I know the answers. I just don't really
want to act on it.
It's fucking tough looking at the life you built while
sleepwalking and knowing that most of it has to be ripped down
to start again.
I know what to do. I just don't think I have the guts to do any
of it.
Maybe I need some more suffering to occur before the motivation
arises.
#Post#: 5538--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reaching HA
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 1, 2014, 12:30 am
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Sounds like you are doing just fine. Be patient with yourself.
Love ya, Jed. ;)
#Post#: 5612--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reaching HA
DIR By: BeAware
Date: December 1, 2014, 8:31 pm
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So now I'm looking at why I'm afraid to take the necessary steps
here.
It's not the fear of being alone. I look forward to being alone.
I fantasize about having my own house, my own space, my own
time. And my son is all the company in the world I feel like I
could possibly need right now.
I think I'm paralyzed by my minds inability to comprehend what
such a drastically different future would feel like.
It's like a constant routine of mathematical equations my mind
is required to run before coming to a definite decision. Will I
be happier than I am now? More financially secure? How will
other people judge me? Will I be a worse dad? A better dad? Will
I be viewed as a failure? Will leaving a marriage really solve
the core issues? Or will they simply be projected somewhere
else? Is this cruel or wrong? Is it an overreaction? Will things
get better if I stay? Is my marriage really that bad? Am I
unhappy at all? Do I just have unrealistic expectations of what
my life should be like and how I should feel?
I guess this is why you follow your gut feelings. The mind is a
terrible place to act from. It's just a mishmash of fears about
all the different things I'm attached to being taken away. Had I
been better at listening to my gut from the start, I probably
wouldn't have as many messes to navigate my way out of.
I know I won't act on this any time soon, but when I do I don't
think it will be based on a well thought out series of
conclusions about my insane questions above.
Maybe I'll do the nav series first. Become a human adult and
then act. Yeah, that seems like another great way to put this
off for a while.
#Post#: 5653--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reaching HA
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 2, 2014, 6:49 am
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Don't do today what you can put off until tomorrow, or hire
someone else to do for you.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 5682--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reaching HA
DIR By: BeAware
Date: December 2, 2014, 7:36 pm
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:D
I just read your poker analogy in another thread, with the chips
representing our hopes, dreams, wants etc and it resonated with
me. I'm getting to a stage where I oscillate between not really
giving too much of a **** about the game or any of it's outcomes
and then suddenly getting anxious comparing my meager chips to
all those bright shiny chips in the pot.
Does it really matter if I stay or go? Do or don't? Is there
really a player in the game anyway?
I remember Alan Watts describing the big bang (or whoever we
want to see the universe as being created) being like a bottle
of paint being thrown at a wall. We're all the tiny little drips
and blotches way out at the end of the mess. Nothing more than a
chain in a huge reaction that was started long ago and will
never end. We think we control things but we're all running
along pre-determined grooves and nothing we do, say or think
will change anything.
I get all this on some level. Sometimes it even starts to feel
real, but I don't live from it. At least not often enough.
Anyway... Today is a good day. It's quiet and serene inside my
mind and I don't particularly feel like changing anything.
#Post#: 5701--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reaching HA
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 3, 2014, 5:12 am
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Sounds just fine to me.
Love ya, Jed.
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