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#Post#: 30848--------------------------------------------------
What's next ?
DIR By: francesco
Date: August 13, 2017, 11:28 pm
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In the last year and a half after a break up I have being going
through my own death/rebirth process ( at least this is what I
think ).
I used to be live following that idea of success that I have
being sold being ready to do everything I could to achieve it.
I used to be a photographer, living in a the most cool and
artistic environment I could back then imagine. My life was
composed of work, work, work, parting, drugs and searching for
someone that would have loved me and accept the way I could not
. From the outside it might have seems a pretty cool life but if
fact if it was quit miserable .
To break up with the only somehow meaningful relationship I ever
had ( last one month and a half ! ) brought me to a state of
depression and shock and I lost interest for everything .
I let go of my carrier, parties, friends, drugs, my self image
and left that cool looking environment to go back to live with
my mum .
I am not complaining, it was great great . Thanks to this
process I have come closer to my authenticity like before and I
started to love and accept myself. I have also increase my
consciousness and faced many of my old demons trough various
spiritual and not practices .
Right now I am in a confusing fase of this cycle : I do not
believe anymore in this circus that is the society but I also do
not want to live the rest of my life in a cave. I feel like Lisa
in the end of your 3th book, I have destroyed everything I have
and now .... ?
I don't want to go back to be what I was before, but at the same
I want to take responsibility of my life, I can not live at my
mum place for ever ( ! ) .
I used to like photography, I ask myself I should I go back to
it ...
What is next ?
I want become a human adult, that is the only think I know .
But how ? Am I suppose to keep escaping from my life and front
the society to archive it ? I guess not but then what is the
point to go back to something I don' t fully believe in ... I
feel confused.
What is the next step to become a human adult ?
Thank you very much
Francesco
#Post#: 30849--------------------------------------------------
Re: What's next ?
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 13, 2017, 11:53 pm
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Hi Francesco:
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum.
I suggest that start by accepting the fact that nobody knows
what they want. They operate on stories which are previously
programmed into them from parents , society, school, church,
courts and various other well mean but seriously misguided orgs
and people. Start forgiving everyone and everything around you,
past, present and even the future. Learn how to breathe properly
and just see what arises. Also, I suggest you read my rants..
folks tell me there is some good stuff there, and also some
Guru-trash... figure it out yourself.
You are growing into H/A right now and just re-labeling it as
confusion and ''not-wants''. Remember, resistance is the super
glue that keeps things in place. Attachments and aversions are
responsible for this whole dream... let go enough and it will
let go of you. Dream on....
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 33716--------------------------------------------------
Re: What's next ?
DIR By: francesco
Date: January 16, 2018, 12:22 pm
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Dear Jed,
Here I am ,
I feel lost, lost, lost. I can barely think in this moment. I
feel very very confused. But I know deep down that this is the
way to freedom, I k now that I had to get to lost to then find
myself and raise up on the other side. What what to do ? I know
it's is time to go deeper ( within me ) but I don't know what
this actually mean . I know it is time to LET GO. but of what ?
let go of the fight, but what is left then ....
whatever you might have to tell me will inspire me in my path.
Thanks
Francesco
#Post#: 33718--------------------------------------------------
Re: What's next ?
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: January 16, 2018, 8:12 pm
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What is the ''fight'' all about?
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 33737--------------------------------------------------
Re: What's next ?
DIR By: francesco
Date: January 18, 2018, 12:52 pm
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That's a great question.
I feel like I am fighting with myself. I am fighting life. Not
in the sense that I am dying but in the the sense that I do not
accept myself and my life, I am... fighting constantly since
ever. But who am I... this I don't know.
#Post#: 33739--------------------------------------------------
Re: What's next ?
DIR By: francesco
Date: January 18, 2018, 7:49 pm
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Hold on a sec ... I just realized that the reason becuase I am
doing all of this, the reason becuase I am fighting is becuase I
want to get results. I live for the results. The results are the
meaning of my life. I've never being living just becuase I enjoy
to live, it was all about reaching a goal and then another goal
and then another one. And it was never enought. I have never
being really living my life, I was always trying to get to the
next goal I had set up for myself. Never allowing myself to rest
and just be . It is so frustrating. Never feeling enought.
Always pushing myself to become more more more . Why can't I
just be fine whit what I am right now?
#Post#: 33758--------------------------------------------------
Re: What's next ?
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: January 20, 2018, 7:48 pm
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''Why'' is a stupid question. Ask ''how'' you do something and
you will have more useful data.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 36540--------------------------------------------------
Re: What's next ?
DIR By: francesco
Date: December 14, 2018, 5:14 pm
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Dear Jed,
i spent the last 6 months in a meditation center ( isha judd
system ) focused on expanding the consciousness and letting go
of the attachment to our ego. It was very intense, but great.
Now I am back to my life and well... I feel like I don't have a
life anymore. Probably I never had one. I see the much more
clearly the ideas of reality I had created and I see them for
what they are: Ideas, nothing too real, nothing to be take too
seriously.
And here I am, feeling good ( even amazingly sometime ) but
feeling lost... and seeing that if I can see how lost I am it is
only becuase I am on the right way.
But I am afraid, because this sensation of being lost does not
allow me to hold any certainty ( which would be only another
illusion ) if not my experience of consciusness. And yes, I can
see my program: searching for a drama, a relationship, a job, a
passion to distract me from the nothingness ... but maybe it ia
just the resistance to the nothingness that make me " suffer ".
I am asking myself: "what am I doing with my life ? "
#Post#: 36543--------------------------------------------------
Re: What's next ?
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 15, 2018, 8:42 am
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Simply remember, everything you do is to avoid the nothingness
that you are.
Might as well enjoy the ride.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 36571--------------------------------------------------
Re: What's next ?
DIR By: francesco
Date: December 17, 2018, 3:51 am
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Hi Jad,
Since I read your answer I feel like something is consuming me
from the inside and I can not feel peace.
How can I keep living my life knowing that it is all just an
escape ?
I can sense that there is freedom on the other side of this
strugle but ... I do not know how to get there. At the moment I
feel quit depress and unable to do anything because the idea
that it is all an escape makes everything ... senseless .
How do you suggest me to proceed ?
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