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#Post#: 2663--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 10, 2014, 6:05 pm
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Resisting beliefs or emotions only creates more feelings of
separation. Judging something as bad is completely based on
there being a "me", and resisting the bad thing means this "me"
is important to protect. Separation, separation, separation. In
every argument you have with someone or opinion you have about
someone, there is the belief in an important 'me' behind it all.
And a 'he'/'she'/'they'.
I picture their faces. Eyes that move. They wonder why I look at
them. They're uncomfortable. I'm seeing through them. I step
into their brains as well. Only wheels turning. I can't find the
person behind it all no matter how hard I try. Because it's not
there. And because of that, it's meaningless to give any
responsibility to this thing I can't find. And especially
meaningless to give any to "me"...
Seems to have finally figured out this inquiry thing. Feels like
having a sharp knife. I always thought it was more in a way of a
mantra (whatever that is) - "what am I... What am I...". But it
is something very specific. Jed, when you said something about
contemplation, I knew there were something important there for
me. That was my key to understanding inquiry.
#Post#: 2676--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 11, 2014, 2:54 am
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Sex is a big one. It's one of the best ways to make the non
existent ego feel important. Wanting it is one of the best ways
to make you feel separate. Thinking you need something. You feel
like shit. Wanting is so unnatural. But it's scary to give up
something you think you like.
But when I look at the overall picture, it's not about giving up
'sex'. It's giving up 'control over it'. It's giving up 'wanting
it'. The fundamental realization is that wanting it = feeling
separate. Wanting anything activates the feeling of 'me'. A very
big price to pay, and you don't even get anything of value in
return.
#Post#: 2677--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 11, 2014, 3:31 am
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You asked about the difference between responsibility and guilt
in someone's thread. Felt compelled to think about it.
Responsibility means taking control over life. Finding out how
it actually works. Playing your part properly, because that's
the grown up thing to do. Responsibility is to stop feeling like
a victim of life. It means playing whatever hand you're dealt.
It means understanding that there's no one to blame (or even if
it was, it doesn't matter). There's no one to pull you out of
your mess but yourself.
Yeah, I can see how messed up it is to confuse guilt with
responsibility. It's like an excuse to waste your life. One of
the most messed up things there is actually. Congrats, you just
threw away your life for someone who doesn't exist. 'Rich
people', 'ex-wife', 'my lazy son', 'Muslims', 'the government'
are not to blame for your bad emotions. Take responsibility!
Your 'terrible childhood' may have sorta happened, but no one
cares about that excuse no more. You watch too much tv? Are
stuck in bad habits? Whatever you do is fine with us, we are
fine either way. The question is, are you?
Responsibility just means opportunity. But you're obviously
never actually responsible for taking responsibility. You'll be
if you're lucky, and if you get that, you stand a good chance of
being it.
#Post#: 2679--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 11, 2014, 3:50 am
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And guilt means thinking that anything that happened could've
happened differently.
#Post#: 2741--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 12, 2014, 7:08 am
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All this time I've been at this t/r thing, it has always been to
some degree about becoming important and special. (You see this
in people whether they have taken a few steps or are towards the
end. The quest for truth has stopped and the desire to be
important has taken over). I am not special, but more
importantly, I can't be special. The desire to be important
and special is one of the most basic foundations of 'me'. So
much is based on that. Letting that go feels like a monumental
task - but truth is necessary, I can't believe in the false
anymore even if I wanted to (I don't want to at all).
So I'm faced with two choices:
1. Going back (impossible)
2. Going forward (difficult)
What can make you more special than being 'enlightened'?? The
ego can't resist... But if you actually follow the path of truth
to your goal of enlightenment, you eventually realize it's not
what you had in mind. By that time it's too late to go back. T/R
is not about 'healing' or something like that (in a way it
probably is). It's something you can't imagine from the
world/reality view you have when you begin. From that reality
view, it might even seem "bad". Most people would clench up if
they were presented with the truth. But they don't understand
it. They don't see that it's the false, spinning wheel paradigm
that is painful. They think they like it. Because they don't
have anything to compare it with, it's never thought of as it
really is. So what I'm getting at is that any resistance to
letting go of importance of being important is based on that
horrible, false paradigm.
Having a need to be special is inviting feelings of the opposite
in. And it's so much work! So intricate. So much to take into
consideration. Relationships, work, skills. Every time you feel
bad, it's double-bad because you're supposed to be successful.
And you're failing! Pleasures you get are mostly from the
perceived success of 'you'. Is that real joy? Does that not seem
extremely creepy??
It all comes back to this again and again: there is NO YOU.
Don't believe in any of it!
Not having to worry about what happens to me, what a relief!
Being judgmental doesn't make sense anymore, planning what I
'should' do doesn't make sense anymore, caring what people
doesn't make sense. This is what 'not giving a sh¡t' is truly
about!
From the bottom of my empty heart, I wish everyone a lovely
Sunday:)
#Post#: 2797--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 13, 2014, 7:42 am
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Tired of protecting this ghost. So sick of it all. Tired of
'performing'. Tired of keeping up. Tired of comparing myself.
Tired of being envious. Tired of being worried. Tired of being
afraid. Tired of protecting myself. Tired of caring about my
relevance. Tired of caring what people think about "me".
All this energy used for absolutely nothing! What a joke! I
could make a fool of myself and it would matter zero. So many
chains. So little freedom. Being someone has CATASTROPHIC
implications. I don't want to be in this mess anymore..
#Post#: 2799--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 13, 2014, 8:18 am
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Dear Smith:
Who specifically is holding you in this terrible situation?
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 2814--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 13, 2014, 12:00 pm
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Hi Jed, I may sound negative, but I'm actually very positive.
Finally seeing what the source of my pain is, and that I don't
want to keep playing that game anymore! Just being a little
dramatic about it (felt great when I wrote it, but looking back
at it, I see why you thought otherwise). I can finally let go of
protecting/enhancing this non existing thing called "me". A huge
relief, that's why the drama!
I'm sick of worrying -> no more worry.
I'm sick of performing -> knowing what I know, why would I
need/care to perform?
Nothing to protect.
The game of life is an illusion - and I don't have to win it!
So much freedom in this.
#Post#: 2840--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 14, 2014, 3:08 am
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The game of life is an infinite game, never ending. You can be
wherever you want in the game.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 3438--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 27, 2014, 7:42 am
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There is so much ego in this world. Ego is everywhere. It's all
a big misunderstanding! Arguing, manipulating, being mean to
someone, etc. - is just wrong thinking. I'm starting to feel
more love and compassion for people. I see where they're coming
from. Even the 'worst person' is just trying to get by. Scared.
Confused. I feel like crying for them. They are me, but they
don't know it. It doesn't matter, but I still want to give them
a hug. I wish happiness upon everyone. Realness. None of these
'borders'. I want happiness for every person I have ever met.
Not 'ego happiness' - REAL happiness. Giving is the most
rewarding thing. I haven't done too much of that in my life. I
have been confused..
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