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#Post#: 2264--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 5, 2014, 11:33 am
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Something happened yesterday that made my girlfriend pretty
upset with me. Today, we went for a long walk before we had
‘solved’ the issue. The tension was pretty thick. We didn’t
speak much. Pretty uncomfortable.
I thought a lot about ‘letting go’ vs ‘holding on’. How I was
holding on to thoughts that make me miserable. I noticed how my
mind wanted to ‘solve the situation’, but it was my mind’s
constant racing and wanting that made the problem even exist.
Time is the great solver of any problem. I don’t have to worry
about it too much. My trust in time has grown a lot. But when I
was observing this from a new angle, I saw how much and how
subtly I am not trusting. So the key is to become thoroughly
sick with what you hold on to…?
You won’t let go of something before you really realize that you
don’t want it. So watching your attachments and how they make
you suffer is how to let them go naturally…
#Post#: 2359--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 6, 2014, 3:31 pm
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I'm at a point where I feel sick of every effort my brain seems
to do (pretending to be me). Everything I carry. It's all so
fucking heavy. And then I look at the desire to get rid of it -
that's just as heavy! I can't seem to get around it. I cant even
try to drop it. Just makes it worse. Any further progress here
will have to happen without the effort of 'me'. I'm getting sick
of myself and feeling helpless about it. Not sure what to do.
I'm finding illusion hard to enjoy when I know there's truth.
Seeing more and more that I am what I'm looking for. I'm already
'it'. So little can mess it up though!
Finding that having your surroundings conducive to what you're
doing is very smart. Much less distractions around me now. And
this forum is so much better than the other one. So easy to feel
love for people when they try to be honest. Not much pretending
around here. Feel inspired by every post I read.
Did your exercise about writing out new personalities with
completely different traits than this one. Did four of them, was
really fun. One of them seemed like a fun character to be, two
of them like hell. A story is spun a little different and the
experience changes. But of course, they're just stories. The
fact that I can write out something that's just as real as I am,
says a lot about me. I'm just random debris stuck together in a
pile. And it does seem stuck, heavy. Like it's anchored in
pretty good. I do seem to take it less personal though. Doing
your exercise got me zoomed out from this one, will do it some
more.
#Post#: 2434--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 7, 2014, 6:12 am
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Was inspired by someone's post to try a new technique:
Sat and became still. Then brought up a some memories, light
first, then bigger and heavier. Looked at them and all they
represented - how they at this point only drag me down. Even the
light ones are too heavy. I visualized them, one at a time,
being attached to me in a large green vine. I then started to
hack at it with a machete, all the while remembering how heavy
this is. Some of the memories were quiet. Indifferent. Some
objected to it, and that "you can't escape from who you are!".
Ignore. Keep hacking. Another one cheered me on. It only wanted
the best for me. I was very thankful for this one. "Thank you
for everything you taught me one point in time. Now I must let
you go..." All I got back was: "Good for you mate! I'm happy for
you. If you ever need anything, let me know!" ... Hack!
#Post#: 2477--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 7, 2014, 11:39 pm
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Wanting to experience your true nature can bring you close to
it. It gets you focused, cuts away dead meat. But ultimately,
wanting it has to be let go of. Wanting it obscures it. It's
always available. The price of truth is all of your desires and
fears. Do you want to hold on to them, or experience reality as
it is? Who is it that wants anything? There's nobody to do such
a thing. It's complete nonsense. Why would you hold on to
nonsense? Nonsense is quite heavy. Is it fun to drag heavy
nonsense? I'm not trying anything here, no agenda. Just asking.
Is it fun to drag all that around? Are any of your memories
worth its weight? Is there even anything other to them than
their weight? Not even trying to 'get rid of it' so you can get
TR. The gift is in letting go itself. The gift is in dropping
the weight - not what you might get because of it.
#Post#: 2577--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 9, 2014, 6:51 am
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(...something personal...) When i look at it, it's such an
intricate story. A story. There are no other people. What is
this 'me' that needed to be special?? It's a phantom. Not even
anything. Made up. It's not important to be special because
there is no separation. Trying to untangle bs in the dream is
ridiculous. Move out of the dream. See that the dream isn't
real. A person, and his problems, is not. The question is, do we
feed the story, or stop holding on to it.
I don't think as much about my stories as before, but some
situations cause a reaction. Those, I feel helpless against, but
most of all very scared. But what am I real afraid of? Feeling a
couple of feelings that I've felt many times before (and lived
to tell about it)? Is that so bad? Making a fool of myself in
front of other non-existing entities? I don't exist, they don't
exist. That's the truth of the situation. In fact, what's better
for me than letting this ego suffer? Not caring about such
nonsense is true freedom. When you really let go of all pride,
that's true lightness. When you know that it's no longer 'you'
anything happens 'to'. Why is the situation with this character
important at all? There is no doer of doings. This poor little
guy got the rules all wrong. No wonder why he's confused. He
thinks the world is real. He thinks it matters what happens to
him. I'm not separate from anything. Everyone is me. My worst
enemy is me. The beggar on the street is me...
I felt such compassion for this gypsy couple I saw on the
street. About 50 years old, having found some cardboard boxes to
sleep on for the night. Man and woman, 50 years old and sleeping
together on the street in the pouring rain a cold night. They
looked like very nice people. You could see the goodness in
their eyes. The world is a brutal place. I remind myself that
they don't exist. That's a relief. Some might say it's an escape
to think like that. I guess it is, but it's an escape from a bad
dream - a false dream. Noting wrong with thinking clearly.
Nothing wrong with letting go. I can still feel love for
everyone I see, but nothing is any longer 'wrong', 'unfair',
'terrible'. I feel plenty of love for people. But why not think
clearly as well? Truth is good. For me, that's self evident.
It's right to let go. It's natural. I say that partially because
I don't view death as 'bad'. If every person in the world were
rescued, and each had three or four kids, the world would become
pretty crowded. It's insanity. I think that we might be past the
point of no return. Don't really care though. It is what it is.
But the blindness to it - still prioritizing people over the the
thing that makes life even possible. Death is denied so much
that the whole planet will become inhabitable. Death is fine as
long as it's every life form other than Homo sapiens. Where did
we get the idea that human life is sacred? (We don't care if
someone truly lives, just that they have a pulse.) I don't have
any solutions or even care, but human stupidity has no limits.
But it brings me back to the truth - there are no people.
Nothing controls whether or not this party comes crashing down.
No one to blame, no one to be the hero either. We'll see what
happens. (I don't think overcrowding is a problem that needs to
be solved or even should be solved - how would you even do that?
It's more about the fact that it is reality and we pretend it's
not.)
It's easy to get sucked into debates with body-mind organisms
that appear 'stupid'. But that's just another layer of the
onion. Accept that most (all) people are driven by emotions.
Accept that they walk in flock. Accept that they're stupid.
Accept that they won't listen to reason. Accept that they won't
argue fair. Accept that they're not looking to find a solution,
they only want to 'win'. That's ego for you. Marvel at it. Play
by the rules. These are the rules, play with it and have fun, or
be: ...stupid yourself. Maybe a bit smarter than most, but being
bitter = being stupid. Easy to fall into traps, but nonduality
is true for everything, not just for bits and pieces of reality.
#Post#: 2589--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 9, 2014, 10:51 am
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Yup....
#Post#: 2609--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 9, 2014, 5:17 pm
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Thinking about death. Read a long article about two twins, 19
years old, who died together in a car crash. Their life and
death told by their mother. Heart wrenching. I think about my
family and my girlfriend. How can you deal with something like
that? Experienced heavy emotions. Though about my own death. How
it would be to fall from a plane without a parachute. How my
mind would frantically think about my loved ones. Perhaps
thinking about life and thanking for it. Then... Surrender.
Realization that thoughts are useless. Giving up. Let's
experience these last moments before impact... Relaxation.
But I still had a hard time dealing with how it would be to deal
with the death of my girlfriend. Then I asked myself: 'what does
it mean to die? Is it really bad...?' The answer came to me very
clearly: No. It's not bad to die. In fact, it can be a lot of
relief...
#Post#: 2610--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 9, 2014, 5:22 pm
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And if the premise for death "being bad" isn't true, it has big
repercussions...
#Post#: 2634--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 10, 2014, 4:43 am
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One thing I've been hung up on is that "People should be
smarter. Less false. Honest. Shouldn't be so proud."
Essentially: "People should be different. What is, is wrong."
1. Who is it that thinks this...?
There's no one here. How do those opinions even make sense?
2. What's it like carrying these options around? Is it nice?
What do I get out of them?
Misery and feelings of separation...
3. What's it like not carrying those beliefs around?
Lightness. Instead of seeing people as bad and stupid - seeing
that they are scared and... that they're people!
People in the grip of ego deserve only compassion... Deserve is
not even the right word. It's just as much I who deserve to give
compassion because it feels good for me - not because "they need
to be healed".
#Post#: 2650--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: October 10, 2014, 10:34 am
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I'm beginning to realize how much energy that goes into this
phantom self. Either protecting it or trying to enhance it. It's
nothing there to protect or enhance! Fears of being humiliated,
desires to be important and special. 'I don't like these
situations because I might mess up.' 'I should do that. Then I
will be well respected.' I'm ready to let this ego go. We'll see
how ready I'll be when it gets rough, but at least I am in
principle.
It's ruining every experience. This "me". A sadist. Always
thinking, always planning. Why would you ever want to carry
something untrue?? Can this "me" be useful for anything? The
basic principles of life are wrong. Everything is misunderstood.
We are not separate, and we're not better off pretending we are
either! Yeah, truth takes the wind out of the sails of the
events in life. But what was good about them anyways?? Life is
miserable for almost everyone! Probably a struggle for every
single person I've ever met.
Maybe we'll lose some ambition and some experiences. Probably.
Is that bad? Is it bad to drop out of the rat race of life? Drop
out of the race in becoming a 'super rat'? Perhaps it's not
missing out on much. Are there any content 'super rats'? How can
there be? It's nature is misery...
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