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#Post#: 27--------------------------------------------------
Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: August 27, 2014, 2:41 am
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Hi Jed, nice to see this new forum. I will see if I can do my
part.
Actually, I've felt lately that I was done with the writing part
of this journey. But I suspect that may not be true. I don't
know yet. I'll try to figure it out here. I've come to a place
in my journey were I feel a gentler approach is right. That I
have got a pretty good overview of things. Perhaps I should
write a little about what I've been doing and the understandings
that have come so far.
Several years ago, perhaps six or seven, I came across Eckhart
Tolle's books. (Early twenties). That was the first time I
suspected that there was something specific I was missing. I
guess I've been seeing for quite a while that people are not
getting what they want out of their lives, but I didn't have any
solution to it. My view on life was that chasing money was not
worth the effort (working 10 hours a day...), but that there
could be something to having fun experiences. So I did that for
a while, and although there were fun experiences, there was also
low ones. And the baseline experience was pretty shitty, so it
was like trying to constantly escape. But along came Eckhart, so
I started reading his books and became enthralled. Perhaps there
was possible to get to some solid ground after all.
So these past years since, I've been losing interest in the
competition of life. With keeping up the facade. But didn't
really take TR seriously enough. Just a lot of dabbling around,
apathetic. All the while feeling shameful of life passing me by,
and even at times being envious of the ones in the ratrace.
Envious is not the right word, but I hated meeting people from
my past and revealing I have nothing to show for the last years.
Also, finding out that not having much qualifications for jobs
is not the easiest way to staying afloat in the world, so torn
between diving into something and the yearning for truth,
enlightenment. So took jobs that were boring and required very
little thoughts so I could half heartedly go for TR. Actually, I
didn't 'go' for it, because I didn't think you could do so much
about it. Thought it was completely up to fate.
Then came last summer. I read something from someone who had
done cognitive therapy, this changed how I took on things.
Essentially, what I learned was that if you do something with
enough effort and for a long period of time, things will change.
Pretty obvious to some, but wasn't for me. So the following fall
I cleaned up my act and started getting serious about something.
I did cognitive therapy with diligence, and found my thoughts
beginning to change. Then came winter and I asked myself, what
if I put in the same diligence in TR? After all, that's what I
really wanted - I knew deep down that the only way I can become
truly happy is to become enlightened. Changing thoughts wasn't
enough. I wanted to find the source of life, to end confusion
for good. So that became my heading. That was january.
So since then, I've been doing a lot of reading. What I learned
from cognitive therapy was to read the same stuff several times,
to get it deep down in the brain. Find the right books, and read
them several times. Reread the ones you liked in the past. I
reread the Theory of Everything. Reread Marc Leavitt's book.
Send him an email and he emailed me back an unfinished version
of his new book. Read Galen Sharp's What Am I. And I would try
to use my intuition. After reading something, I would take a
walk and think about things or just let my mind rest. Or I would
meditate. I would do inquiry. I would stay with the sense of
self, the 'tension' that Marc called it in his book. I would
look at it and wonder, is this what have fooled me all this
time?!
Then I started writing a bit. Even though I was persistent in my
pursuit, I had an avoidance to writing. It just felt too hard.
But I knew it could be very effective in sorting things out. So
I did, and of course it wasn't as hard as I thought it was. The
first minute the first times, perhaps, but then it's easy. That
was before the summer, and it continued throughout the summer.
Not insanely much writing, but about a page a day. Cleared up
many things, and got me unstuck more than a few times.
I noticed in my journey that there would usually be a period of
gentle persistence, followed by intense frustration or even
depression/anxiety, and finally sunshine and a new
understanding, then rest before it begun again. The
understandings were sometimes specific, or sometimes more
subtle. But that was usually the sequence leading up to an
understanding. So I developed a trust in things being figured
out. My method would be pressure on, pressure off. Using
intuition as much as possible. Being patient. I knew 'I'
couldn't figure something out, so I just made myself accident
prone as they call it. Looking back, I see that I have made a
lot of progress since the winter. I have by no means been
perfect in my pursuit, but I've been one pointed enough to push
through the doors that's been in front of me. So the trust and
the confidence have had a snowball effect.
So here we are now. Lately, I've been more about being aware of
awareness, than deconstructing the person. I find that when I
stop caring so much about the person and being more aware of
what I really am, the person stops being such a pain in the ass.
I've been diving into Greg Goode's and Göran Backlund's
material. That really helped me quite a bit. Almost to the point
of me feeling like I'm close to 'done'. Perhaps I am, perhaps
not. But that's the stuff I'm looking into now. I remember from
Warfare the conversation you and Curtis had were Curtis said
he'd bet his life that this table is real. And you said it would
never occur to you to think that the table is real. I never
really got that until recently. The table exists solely of sense
perceptions. It can only exist subjectively, but that's not true
existence. All my life I've been going around thinking the
objects around me to be real. How obvious that they're not! No
table, no banana, no tree, no mountain, no body, etc. But still
trying to figure out universe and space. Ok, that's it for now.
#Post#: 29--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 27, 2014, 3:45 am
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Hi Smith:
Welcome and thank you for your thoughtful post. I will be going
over them all in more detail tonight and tomorrow and get back
to you.
Love ya, Jed.
P.S. Sounds to me like you are doing all the right things.
#Post#: 79--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 28, 2014, 12:04 am
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Dear Smith:
How about a specific question... what is the most important
single question on your mind now. Find it like your life depends
on it, and maybe it does. Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 97--------------------------------------------------
Tor
DIR By: Smith
Date: August 28, 2014, 10:08 am
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I'm sort of torn right now. I quit my job this summer, so I have
a lot of free time. Which is perfect for this. On the other hand
I don't have a lot of job skills and could benefit from doing
some preparation to go to college. So the last few weeks I've
been doing some math. Overall it's been ok, but now I'm feeling
like the spiritual side of my brain is deteriorating because of
it. I'm noticing it now. The energy, the focus, the fire is not
there. Chasing two rabbits is impossible. I thought I could do
this math stuff for a couple of hours a day, almost like a
healthy break from the spiritual quest, then forget about it.
I'm beginning to think that it doesn't work like that. I'm
feeling like the hours I do math seeps into the rest of the day.
I like to have my brain think of only this. I've worked so hard
to get to this point. I will not throw it away.
Hmm. I think a key point would be to spend the first two-three
hours of the day on this, then maybe allow myself to do some
math after I'm spent. I wish I didn't have to, but I have to
take some consideration about my life situation as well. Or not,
we'll see. At least I don't have to work right now though. So in
conclusion, two-three hours at least on this stuff in the
morning. I'll have to see if I can balance this.
#Post#: 98--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: August 28, 2014, 10:11 am
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Didn't see your post jed. Will do
#Post#: 113--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: August 28, 2014, 3:07 pm
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I've never looked for a question, or perhaps I have, but rarely
formulated it. The 'what am I' question have been asked plenty
of times, and I think I have a pretty good idea of the answer to
it. 'What is true?' is something that I've been looking into now
that I've been investigating subjective/objective truth. My
question is in that area. Space and 'physical matter' is
something I'm not really clear on. I feel they are related. My
question is: What is space and physical matter? or: Is
space/physical matter real?
So to the question 'what am I?', my experience is 'this'.
Perceiving. Experiencing. Pure awareness. Is what I perceive
true? No, what I perceive can't exist objectively, only
subjectively. What can exist objectively? This experience is
true, but what else is?
#Post#: 130--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: August 29, 2014, 7:08 am
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Confusing shit. Still so much crap rise to the surface. Release
again and again. Not sure about my question. Sometimes it feels
like I'm trying to figure things out too much. One part of me
says find out what's true, the other says abide as awareness.
Perhaps it's something to alternate between. I pondered my
question earlier. When I'm in a bad mood, that's usually not a
good idea. I then remembered how this process is not always
pretty, so I relaxed knowing 'this too shall pass'. I think I'll
have to accept that I still have some way to go. Better not to
expect too much, yet at the same time trust that things are
going forward.
Bad emotions drag me back. Feeling separation. Remind myself
that they are no more or less me than the rest of the scenery.
After a while I return to a more peaceful place. I don't take
the crap as seriously anymore. Gone past it many times now.
Still, they are not very fun. No one is immune, or perhaps some
are.
Felt good to get this out.
#Post#: 133--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 29, 2014, 7:27 am
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Excellent, now that one specific question, like your life
depended on it. What is it?
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 135--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Smith
Date: August 29, 2014, 8:32 am
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Jed: thought I answered it: what is space/what are the building
blocks of the world?
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Ok, post got deleted. Let's try again. Space is dependent on
distance. Distance is dependent on difference. Objectively,
there is no difference. Space is a hoax. But I'm having a hard
time understanding these objects that are appearing. The house
I'm looking at. I know the house can only exist subjectively,
but there must be something where the house is. I still see the
objective world as consisting of building blocks that appear as
the subjective reality. That may not be true, but that's how I
see things. 'Something' must be there. Is consciousness more
dense there than here? What is dense, what is here? Probably in
over my head right now.
#Post#: 137--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smith
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 29, 2014, 8:41 am
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Dear Smith: No, you're not in over your head, you are just into
your head. I don't want you to ask a question that will meet
your cerebral requirements and increase your understanding of
the universe. Understanding is the booby prize and for losers.
Now.... contemplate further Grasshopper. Love ya, Jed.
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