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#Post#: 1955--------------------------------------------------
Corinne
DIR By: corinne
Date: September 29, 2014, 10:20 pm
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Below is an email I sent Jed last night as well as some present
moment inquiries.
I'm not really sure what to say to prove that I'm dedicated or
serious. Honestly, I doubt my own sincerity in my life all the
time. But I am desperate, more desperate all the time. My life
is a total sham. Nothing about me or my life feels authentic.
I'm only 25, but I feel like a few steps away from my death bed.
And I'm terrified I'm going to make it to the end of my life
and look back and know I really didn't do a damn thing. I feel
like I know exactly how I'm going to feel as I'm about to die
thinking of how I wasted it all away instead of turning towards
the nothingness that's been there my whole life.
I've been at a kind of stand still for the past few years
because I have yet to take full responsibility for my own life.
I've been relying on others to help get me where I want to go.
I haven't been choosing to take responsibility for my own
awakening or failure to awaken. I've been lying to myself
saying I can't get there on my own. But a few nights ago it
really dawned on me that that was a belief only, and I had no
facts to back it up. I saw that until I am solely responsible
for my progress and journey, I can't go anywhere. I have to
know that I am responsible and if I fail it's on me. Deep down,
I've always known this. I just wanted to try and get away with
it. And now, here I am, stuck in the same hole, knowing I
fooled myself, and knowing that I let myself get fooled. I am
not happy about it. But I'm also grateful for it, because it
opened my eyes a little. I fear that I'm going to forget all
about this an lull myself back into sleep.
I feel like I have to be so vigilant. It seems like one day of
unconsciousness could put me into a sleeping slumber for
weeks...or months. I've had many sobering wake up calls in the
past and they have made me very serious and intense for a short
time. Then I just go back to daily life. Sometime I wonder
where the urgent feelings of upheaval and change went to. I've
given myself so many breaks. Every time things get slightly
uncomfortable I put the breaks on. I say I can't handle things,
so I shy away from them. I paint this picture of me as fragile
and weak. But it's a lie. I have no idea how much I can handle
because I've never pushed myself past the minimal level of
discomfort. I'm pretty sure I could handle far more than I've
even considered. For so long I have made myself out to be
helpless and incapable. I've crippled myself with my belief
that I can't do things on my own. Instead of listening inside
for answers I know I could have given myself, I have gone
outward in search of them. Instead of trusting my own
judgements and opinions, I've inquired upon others. I've boxed
myself in and given up all my power. I have told this story
that I am pathetic. Yet, I know it isn't true. The whole thing
is completely made up. I've crippled myself for nothing more
than a belief. There's so much I could have done on my own.
There's so much guidance I could have given to myself. But I
chose to hold onto the story that I can't take care of myself.
What a way to live!
I have done SA in the past but only when I found myself really
stuck. Never have I done it consistently and I actually thought
it wasn't for me. I was so wrong. It's like I start writing
and I'm normal, then suddenly I get drawn into it and get very
alert while feeling sick to my stomach and like my mind is going
to explode out of my head. Yet, the more I do it the more I
just want to pick up my pen and write some more. It wouldn't be
accurate to say I'm enjoying it, but on a certain level I am.
--Corinne
#Post#: 1958--------------------------------------------------
Re: Corinne
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 29, 2014, 11:21 pm
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Welcome Corinne and thanks for sharing... do you have a
question for me, or are you just seeking another way to avoid
becoming an adult.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 2021--------------------------------------------------
Re: Corinne
DIR By: corinne
Date: September 30, 2014, 8:16 pm
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Was I trying to seek a way to further avoid being an
adult...that's a sobering question. And I'm not sure, but I
will sit with it. I don't think it would be a bad idea for me
to ask myself that periodically throughout the day. That
question strikes me very deeply and probably has a lot to show
me.
That aside, I do have a question. I'm confused about when to
push myself and when to just relax into things. I go through
phases where I push myself very hard. I don't allow myself
breaks or breathers. I refuse to leave myself alone and pretty
much just pound away at myself. I tend to get so exhausted and
emotionally unstable that I say f*** it, I give up and begin to
relax with things. So the first perspective, I feel like I'm
putting in a lot of effort to make progress. But at the same
time, it also feels like I'm trying to get away from where I am.
The second perspective is more surrendered and willing to be
with present feelings and circumstances, yet I worry it's
laziness and and easy place to go to sleep. I basically cycle
through these states. Maybe it would be best if I just watched
these both play out without getting so involved. I would be
very grateful for any guidance on this.
#Post#: 2044--------------------------------------------------
Re: Corinne
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 1, 2014, 6:05 am
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Nothing wrong with your approach at all. Give it shit and take a
break. I personally like it.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 11824--------------------------------------------------
Re: Corinne
DIR By: corinne
Date: May 20, 2015, 10:54 am
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I am sick of feeling like I'm doing good or that I'm more awake
than others. Those feelings have dangerous hooks in them. They
are so untrue. I have no idea where I am or where I'm going. I
don't even know who/what I am. I feel more lost on this path
than I ever have. I look back and see where I thought I was on a
path and I thought I knew where it led and that is laughable
now.
I'm constantly trying to figure out whether I'm doing well or
doing bad. I feel like my only way out is to face doing
everything wrong. If you have any guidance as to how to see
through this I would be very happy to hear it.
#Post#: 11825--------------------------------------------------
Re: Corinne
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 20, 2015, 11:36 am
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Dear Corinne:
''Path'' is just a convenient word but very confusion. There may
appear to be a path, a you, a journey and a goal, but in the end
you realize that was all just mind trying to explain the
unexplainable.
Just be with this... what is seeking is what is sought. Nothing
needs to be added, no stories, no b.s., no right, wrong, good or
bad, just come back to that though, the seeker IS the sought.
If you are always seeing yourself as the seeker on a journey you
won't ever get that sense, what is sought is what is seeking,
said a slightly different way. Stay with that.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 12679--------------------------------------------------
Re: Corinne
DIR By: corinne
Date: July 1, 2015, 11:16 am
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Jed,
I just had a realization shake me with its somewhat horrifying
truth and i would love some clarity on how to navigate and what
to do with this new insight.
I have been struggling a lot lately, resisting in full force.
Today it occurred to me that the reason I fight and suffer to
the extent that I do comes from the fact that I think I deserve
something. I think I should be trying to gain happiness for
myself, should be extracting pleasure from life. But now that I
think about it, I have no clue where such an idea came from.
Why should I get what I want? When I think I should, then I'm
trapped in the chase of seeking the thing I've decided I desire.
But I see this well of indifference in me now and I wonder if
my wanting and tying to get for my own gain is really just a
habit, a way to pass the time.
#Post#: 12697--------------------------------------------------
Re: Corinne
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: July 3, 2015, 4:12 am
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I suggest you just gentle and quietly ask yourself who/what is
seeking all this. Don't expect any answer, that's not the point.
The point is to keep you on that sense of I am, that is a portal
if you will. Once again, let go, expect nothing at all and find
out who/what want this or, in the alternative, who is this all
occurring in.
Go easier on yourself, it will all come on it's own good time.
Love ya, Jed.
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