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#Post#: 25187--------------------------------------------------
TRN
DIR By: TRN
Date: November 8, 2016, 12:30 am
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Deleted my last thread because I feel that re-reading things I
wrote will only result in more misunderstanding. Start all new.
For lack of better words, it's ego's one and only job to go
against the flow of operation to protect the illusion that it
exists. There's still work to do for me.
Reading the Yoga thread I realize that I'm no better than the
gym tools bragging about how much they can lift. Same thing
manifests in different ways.
#Post#: 25189--------------------------------------------------
Re: TRN
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 8, 2016, 12:33 am
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;) ;) ;)
#Post#: 25230--------------------------------------------------
Re: TRN
DIR By: TRN
Date: November 9, 2016, 8:23 am
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A thought to throw out there and see what happens next
In my autolysis I ended everything at Truth/perception is.
But perception doesn't stand on its own either I suspect, there
has to be "things perceived" for it to exist.
Awareness/appearance might be a better way to put it, does
awareness exist when there is no appearance? The question "Why
something instead of nothing?" might be a variation of it?
Can there be no appearance? On the top of my head I'm inclined
to say yes, certainly? Death of the physical body will sure kill
all senses and put "my" perception to an end. But I can't rule
out the possibility of new perceiving entities being created. It
can't be proved, either. And there's always the mistake of
taking the form/body/manifested as the underlying
principle/perception. Which circles back to the same question,
does awareness exist without appearance?
Not exactly sure, we'll see later
#Post#: 25232--------------------------------------------------
Re: TRN
DIR By: TRN
Date: November 9, 2016, 9:02 am
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Also am I stepping too far? Biting more than I can chew??
#Post#: 25234--------------------------------------------------
Re: TRN
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 9, 2016, 9:43 am
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Perhaps hallucinating a little. Just stick with your
now-experience.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 25278--------------------------------------------------
Re: TRN
DIR By: TRN
Date: November 11, 2016, 1:50 am
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Two days ago I drew the sword across the me I thought I was. It
was a very intense moment, but I can't describe or explain it
accurately right now because of the uncertainties in
interpretation that comes with what's past and memory.
In short, there were no relief. It's all quite unexpected
because from the practices prior to that, when some of the
beliefs about the self are illuminated with focused attention it
automatically results in a sense of freedom and the natural
ability to let go some more. I know, shouldn't try to repeat
past experiences, but the memories are there and before you know
it just kind of forms an unconscious assumption about the way
how things are. I was surprised and thrown off, and I fell into
the loop: feeling bad about letting it get to me, feeling bad
about feeling bad, wanting and trying everything to get back on
my feet, and feeling bad again. Angry annoyed and frustrated
with practices and inquires(they don't fucking work), but at the
same time I know there is no other way to avoid it. Self-forced
discipline achieves the opposite with all the guilt it induces.
#Post#: 25425--------------------------------------------------
Re: TRN
DIR By: TRN
Date: November 16, 2016, 1:43 am
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I don't know anymore.
Identification with the "I", for most of times it just hurts me
but there's still a silver of happiness, the stars in a sea of
darkness they keep me hanging on. I want to be over and done
with it but I'm just dragged back everytime like it was an
abusive relationship.
There's always self inquiry, the-who-am-i inquiry, I've been
reading Ramana for a while. I always turn to him when the
suffering is just too much and I can't stand anything in my
head. The inquiry hurts in a different way. It heals but it's
not an...attractive activity. Can't I just keep this good
memory? I'm lost and hurt and why can't I keep believing in
something? I want to, I always wanted to believe but it
backfires and creates more pain so I'm sort of forced to strip
away everything...
#Post#: 25432--------------------------------------------------
Re: TRN
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 16, 2016, 4:27 am
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All beliefs are made up. It's pretty much inevitable that they
will backfire some day. Trick is to consciously make them up.
When it looks like one is going to backfire, change it
immediately. It can be done with a little practice, but only if
you believe it can be.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 25616--------------------------------------------------
Re: TRN
DIR By: TRN
Date: November 25, 2016, 10:11 am
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Thank you.
I want to be genuine, but there's no me to be genuine
Everything is beyond any level of understanding my mind can
reach, but at the same time it's all occurring in me - atman,
the observer, the labeling feels silly because well there's no
the mind-me in the first place. Then why do I feel there is
one??
There is no me and there's nothing but me at the same time
???????????
#Post#: 25633--------------------------------------------------
Re: TRN
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 25, 2016, 7:37 pm
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Much of what you experience is memories and habits... signifying
nothing at all.
Love ya, Jed.
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