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#Post#: 3444--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 27, 2014, 10:32 am
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Using your tecnique, I cant seem to be able to drop the I, the
sense, like a physical sense of tension in my head is like me me
me, and I feel like im just deluding myself, or like there is no
me to drop. But I do feel a nice amount of relief when I get to
the last part, that me is perceiving again. To add, my heartbeat
goes up when I stop the I and goes to normal when I relax into I
again.
#Post#: 3455--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 27, 2014, 2:20 pm
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I think Im done.
#Post#: 3489--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 28, 2014, 12:02 am
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Dear F:
I don't....
Lovey ya, Jed.
#Post#: 3502--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 28, 2014, 1:30 am
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Everything is a crutch to this body/mind, no technique will
work, no technique will go though, it wont listen jed. SA
soothed me, this next thing soothed me, even nisargadatta is
starting to soothe me. There is a hole on my shoulders and
nothing sticks, I am distant from everything, nothing makes
sense. I have hallucinations that I am T/R without H/A. Its not
even I, its just, I dunno, I look at myself and I look at a bee
and I know there is nothing different with me and this body and
mind and other bodies and minds, just a switchboard, I am afraid
to think it.
I cant even describe how dumb I see existence, its retarded
gliding, that can be fun but does not have to be.
#Post#: 3529--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 28, 2014, 8:02 am
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I dont think I understand what I mean when I say I or when I try
to think of an I. I am not really being honest, with myself or
anyone. Im not sure I know who I am, really, or what the world
is, really. There are a lot of things that I supress. If
everything is really equal to me, would there be supression? I
dunno, I do think either way is fine, so still, why dont I
express it then?
Im really really hung up on my fears and right-knowing and
judging people and correcting people when they act silly (and
they do act silly ) and am acting like an idiot in general. I
thought I was deserving somehow and am always expecting some
silver enchanted present once "things get into alignment", some
sort of calamity happens or i have a big realization or
experience.
I did not manage to drop the I , and when I saw to what lengths
will I go to delude myself I guess its just all made sense, I
have been manufacturing experiences to delude myself. I burrowed
and am burrowing still. Im not sure I can reach HA or what HA
is. I m not really sure about anything anymore and probably have
never been. Im contemplating leaving the forum as I dont get
what is going on here or anywhere in general.
Thoughts?
#Post#: 3542--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 28, 2014, 11:42 am
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Most of the time I dont know who I am or where I am, but not in
a bad way, just that it does not seem possible or doable in any
way.
WHen I go to sleep, everything disappears and then comes back
up, including the sense of me.
When I do the new exercise I notice that my breathing gets
restricted when I do the I-dropping part, and gets back on track
when I inject the sense of I again.
Its incredibly hard, the whole of this time, no matter how
insanely present I am to be honest. I thought those two would be
mutually inclusive but it seems it isnt so. With most new stuff
that arise that there is a liking for I am not prepared to pay
the price necessary. I dont know if thats a residue or a new
thing.
Things here have costs, and a lot of the time I do not get what
I want. And my opinion on that matter does not matter besides my
pettiness.
I am petty, arrogant, vindictive, fearful and rageful.
#Post#: 3598--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 29, 2014, 2:25 am
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At least you admit it.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 3603--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 29, 2014, 3:33 am
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Well, its not like in the movies, honesty here just gets you
instead of "clean slate" to "slate dirty" so there needs to be
some cleaning.
Attachments, attachments, attachments, emotions, keep popping up
on my mind. YOu see an emotion, that kinda bind me in place. I
cant deny it. I refuse to act on it, and its all just locked in
place. Maybe just do it, see what happens.
Im really sorry I never got that " emotions promise you..."
thing of yours. I dont get A LOT of stuff. Even with my
controling issues, a lot of time I am right, people are idiots,
but with that im inveitably an idiot too for not seeing their
idiocy, another times Im just a controlling jerk. I experience
emotions that I experience solely because Im a jerk. Those
emotions designate me as a jerk and not acting on them stops me
from seeing myself as one but I do have them. I am a jerk. A
controlling jerk.
Now theres a flipside to that, and that is I have barely some to
no boundaries. I dont say no ( even when I think it and feel it)
and I dont say yes (when i think it and feel it). I keep it all
to a maybe. Keeping all options open. Like a child. I guess
thats what a jerk is.
#Post#: 3612--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 29, 2014, 6:41 am
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Im lying when I have any of those ideas of spiritual kind, that
his is a dream, that I get what I is, what ego is, what fear is
, what emotions are, what the world is, the past, the future,
what now is, any and every idea I have is words reinforced by
force, that is by my bodily energy. Im a bullshiter.
I want to control others behaviour so I dont see them for what
they are. I want to control my behaviour so I dont see myself
for what I am. I am ignorant.
#Post#: 3622--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 29, 2014, 8:58 am
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Ignorance is better than stupidity. There is hope yet for you.
Love ya, Jed.
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