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#Post#: 2988--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 17, 2014, 10:43 am
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Umm. What if this is not a dream in a way that you can wake up
from it and should try to do that, but to just check constantly
all of my suspicions, which I do have and see whats there?
Ive been having some light "experiences" but they prove yet
again so unsatisfactory, its just crappy euphoria - dopamine,
whatever. I dont like things you crash down from. Except
chocolate.
Ive been trying to keep quiet on my social gatherings, and the
weirdest thing, most of the people I hang around with couldnt
give a damn wether I talk or not. Whats more surprising they
seem to like me more when I shut up. Its like this weird game
where I pick stuff to say, or allow things to say and if it hits
damn, the bells go off. Not much sense there. But I should maybe
keep quiet even more, Im kinda having a weird feeling there a
hook inside every talk opportunity. SOmetimes avoiding it seems
smart, sometimes it really shows what kind of a fish I am.
Ive been playing with the idea "whats next" since im so obsessed
with catastrophic endings, just to see how there is no end- all,
and nothing revolutionary happens, just a thing after a thing
after a thing. Nisargadatta still does amazing things for my
weight.
#Post#: 2990--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 17, 2014, 10:58 am
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So, what will your next thought be? Watch, watch and watch some
more.
Attention,
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 3115--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 21, 2014, 10:40 am
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No. Its all just bs.
There is no way to change the thoughts and how you feel, the
feelings, the state, enlightenment isnt gonna help me to love my
parents more or make them right or make sense of my home life or
have retribution for my past or have the day when theyre gonna
come up and become normal and excuse them for the past and say
they love me and it was all just a dream, that it was all just a
bad dream.
I can just simply move. Like re-locate. Is it that simple? Am I
such a fucking fool? What am I hoping to gain by suffering my
parents? What is thoughts and felings is just something you walk
into, like a fog? And you just go on through and walk out of it
if you want to?
#Post#: 3118--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 21, 2014, 1:42 pm
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I dont know if this post will make sense, but I loved my college
life so much, the music, the people, the feelings, the clubs, my
apartments, my girlfriend, US, so much, that when I lost it I
woke up.
I have no interest in life now in any sort of way. I do not want
a job. I do not want to go to coffees. I do not want to go watch
soccer. I do not want to make any friends. Its just done. My
life ended. ANd yet I exist somehow. Its all so weird. What the
hell happened?
#Post#: 3134--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 21, 2014, 11:44 pm
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Dear Fear:
Once you start cracking the B.S. egg and see it's all so silly,
you have a choice. You can go back to sleep and lie about it
all, or pursue Truth. Both have their pain and rewards. However,
you don't know Truth's rewards until you try them. They are
delicious.
It's up to you, or maybe, it's nothing to do with you. What do
you think?
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 3145--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 22, 2014, 4:33 am
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There is no escape.
#Post#: 3149--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 22, 2014, 7:04 am
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;) ;)
#Post#: 3198--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 23, 2014, 4:15 am
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Well, scrue ( ;);)) you Jed, now I decided i want TR, hell no im
being set up for wanting TR. All that feels like me is not me,
isnt that right? I mean it is me, in the LIE of it, and the lie
functions perfectly, thus hell it is me, only that it isnt me.
Everything here takes up space, thus something spaceless can
also exist and well that would be me, the focal point of this
whole charade. The universe isnt really big, its pretty small,
but who can say anything about size really? What I feel i Am is
the absolute lie that takes control of everything, even though
it has control of nothing, but i still cant help it, its
agonizing. I dont see a way out of it and i think i know my
character pretty well enough and I wont rest till I bend this
the correct way/ or maybe the wrong way. I read all 62 pages of
your responses to other people. I am really not that special.
I am growing in love towards you each day, towards others at a
slower rate and I guess that love may kill me. This whole post
is a lie, but im doped up so I prolly wont edit it.
#Post#: 3201--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 23, 2014, 5:27 am
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Wonderful observations.
Except I don't understand the agonizing part. Please tell me
more about that, specific details. What are you holding on to
that causes agony (there is always something or someone)? Your
are resisting, of that you can be sure. You are aware of so much
else... there is no suffering without resistance. Pain can
happen, but suffering requires work.
Please explain, clearly and concisely. So that I, ooops, I mean
you, might understand it better.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 3261--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 24, 2014, 1:11 pm
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Im afraid that I dont exist in any way, like this ludicrous
world along with my sense of I, all of my sense of living , life
being is just as fake as the "got talent?" shows. How do I know
that I am is true?
Also, with the likes of Benjamin Smythe who is a wonderful guy
and all the other stories, including mine, arent they all just
fake fake fake? How can anything be true vs just correct or
adequate? There is something about everything that just points
to nothing, but I cant really aim for it truly. Help.
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