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#Post#: 2588--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 9, 2014, 10:45 am
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That's what you think and your thinking mind can only do one
thing, lie to you.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 2598--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 9, 2014, 1:10 pm
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Ye, but I identify with my thinking mind so bad, also with my
feelings. Im too gullible. I have this weird thing where i think
im really fine with outside authority and people and what not
but me, oh man, fuck, i cant get enough of me.
But ALL of me came from the outside. I doubt theres more than
programming. Not even my vision, like where I point the eyes and
what the focus is on, is even that mine, is even that me, no? Im
a fucking stranger here and I have always been wether its due to
parentig, environemnt or what not but ive been made into
battling my self with myself. I dont have like two voices like
other people do, I have just one, and its obnoxious. Ive fought
if for 24 years but i cant do it no more. The lightness periods
are so short and are getting shorter, Ive started to have
periods where I just give up and then I get the unbearable
lighness, i buzz.
But in between that, its a torture, literally, ive been made to
torture myself. To make my existence living hell. I hate veryone
and everything, nothing is good or bad enough. No one is honest,
nothing is true or worthy or pursuing. I cant have an half an
hour where i keep my mood where it is. I get up to complain to
someone and then its off. Its just a rollercoaster, its
unbearable. Im so sensitive to everything, i get you have stuff
for when people are stupid or dumb or lazy, maybe im stupid and
lazy and dishonest, but do you have something for when people
are too sensitive. Nothing is enough for me. I dont get
callusses. I dont learn. I dont ever try to do things
differently, i see no point. If it got me to get a bullet in my
brain i would not change one bit. What is wrong with me, why the
hell cant I move or morph or shift, or what ever? Why dont I
even try to live better? If not that, why dont i give up trying?
But one of those, just one of those.
I mean, this is all NOT me, to be honest here. Its just the
programming. But if there is something to be done, I just hate
to see this kid so tortured, so fucked up. No suicide , no
heroin, no career interest, how the fuck will he live? This kid
provokes no sympathy from others, hes too bitter and angry. He
doenst go along. And hes not cocky enough to make this shit and
crap worth something or crazy enough to get medicated or ... Hes
just got a fucking tolerance for beating. Hed be a homless
person and still not give up. THere is no end for him. Doesnt
believe in death. Hes a demon.
#Post#: 2599--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 9, 2014, 1:36 pm
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Ye, thats more story. And this is a story, and whatver there is
thinking about will be as troy and feelings will be a stroy and
others will be a story and this evening will be a story, this
whole fucking process has been is and will be a story and i wont
ever ver ver get out, or get sane again. Great. So be it. Now
piss off.
#Post#: 2600--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 9, 2014, 1:43 pm
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Before all of this i thought i had like imagination, i was
imaginative and witty and always afraid i wass really broing and
here it is, done. Im done. I have absolutely no interest in
story telling, expression or any shit like that no more. Its
done. Stories, books, novels, fairy tales, w/e, its all so dumb.
No more stories. Done done done.
#Post#: 2604--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 9, 2014, 2:45 pm
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I just cant get away from the sense that im what happens,
happened to me, that im the thoughts, the feelings, the body,
that im this life, this experience. I cant go futher from it, i
cant do anything, i cannot do it, and if i dont do its its all
shit. because it changes all the time and its not pleasant to
see to experience yourself changing all the damn time. Over and
over and over. But never anything new, maybe three chords. GCD
GCD GCD GCD GCD. Im STUCK.
#Post#: 2636--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 10, 2014, 5:49 am
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I really want to thank you, not that i want to thank you, i am
filled with gratefulness that theres you that i can place my
uncoditional trust on, for the first time in my life i have
found someone corporeal i can experience full trust in and im
really really grateful for that. Thank you.
#Post#: 2638--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 10, 2014, 6:20 am
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If im at peace or if im at war, its just that I AM. Thats the
most important part. But I am not peace and i am not war,
anxiety, fear or whatever conoction is in front of me currently.
Imagination and memories is also currently, fears of future,
wishes and wants are also currently. I am is always. And never I
guess, but im wobbly on that part.
All the galaxies are ideas, bacterias are ideas, carbohydrates
are ideas, job is an idea, finding peace is also an idea,
searching for ANY thing is just an idea. As you said, wanting is
simply not having. Doesnt matter if I have or have not, because
its a separation. Im separate from all of that and in a way
again, im together with all of it. There should be like some
kind of line when I write sentences with I. I am does not mean
like === sign, its not that. Its not the same. If its like in
math, one side of the equation doesnt correspond to the other,
how can i then put the = sign? My high school teacher would
flunk me for that. I am angry, no. Not conventional at least. Am
cannot be being, because just the I is being, only the I
signifies vbeing ,existence, awareness, w/e. Am is more like
trying to be what comes after it. Or "doing currently". I am
currently doing angry. There is no being in angry, no being in
happy, no being in city or village, or looking or w/e. Its all
verbs. No being. Being is still beyond stillness.
I cannot be anything. But that does not mean i am nothing. I am.
After the I am there is like a mirror. I am am I. But its not
even a mirror. Its just there is impossiblity to be other than
this I that I am. I can do lots of stuff and try to do even more
stuff. But i cant pull it off. Its not, i dont have enough
energy. Never had it. I can only be me, and then save that
energy for whatever's here. Getting rid of crap mostly nowadays,
breking though fear and wanting and ideas and fantasies.
Breaking through everything litereally.
Even if there is no end to this, i cant do anything else. But
that no longer means ill try to do this longer than possible. I
dont know what ill do. But ill be the same. Ill just be I. It
wont be the me. Anything visible or felt or w/e. I I I I I. If
there is only me on the other hand than everything else has also
got to be I. What else. If theres only me, theres only me. AN
then some. Its hard no to batle to mind, its hard to admit its
just silly, like parents, like the society, the news,
politicians, store clerks , doctors, teachers, friends,
girlfriends. And just like that I am not wiser in any way, is
just... I cant pronounce it. Im maybe a bit aware of how silly i
am. And that has made difference.
Further.
In what way am I something but then again I am not that
something because i can only be I ? God damn. My brain is gonna
po(o)p.
#Post#: 2644--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 10, 2014, 9:26 am
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I got ideas for everyone, for everyones life, but my own. Funny.
Im also stuck in some weird authority crap where i gotta impress
the authority whose words or behaviour i dont really see as
anything worth its salt , but its better to believe there are
authority figures than that there are none and no one knows crap
about my life but me, hell not even me. SO i do this bending
stuff so their words check out. They give me old passwords but
is still accept them.
Im the one who needs authority, im the one who enables their
bullshit, im the one who prostrates myself at their feet, im the
one who believes and fantasizes. Because well, what is there to
do, let the idiots do their business while i sit in silence and
boredom. Eh. This damn place.
#Post#: 2683--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 11, 2014, 5:45 am
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This world ma, I cant get over it and things in it. How long
have i lived here, how long have i pretended to live here, in
this madness, insanity , stupidity, struggling, thinking it was
all sane and justifiable and there was some possibility of
change or improvement, some possiblity of it all being wrong,
that Im just wrong and that this whole charade is right.
Literally every aspect of what a person should be/is is made up,
by people in fear, i mean, not even people, just functions
reproducing their code over and over and over. Wisdom,
significance, importance, reasons, meaning. I haven been having
fun for so long because i thought, no i was learnt that there is
something to it. To counting costs, pondering, thinking,
managing, fixing stuff, diverting attention , diverting the
gaze, seeking relief, seeking all kinds of stuff.
Question why wouldnt i kill myself comes up but that is just a
residue of former , well, and current seriousness, but there
really is no biggie here, except for the biggies. Am I concious,
amd I conciousness, am i doing conciousness or am i being
conciousness? What am I ? Ive started to look at stuff and ask
'is this me'? Answer is always no. And no and no and no. I dont
know what is next. I dont know there is an end. Nor do I seek
one. Seeking endings is children play. Seeking clear cut
distinctions.
This ends here, this starts here, this is this, this is that.
Meh.
I always wanna be told what the current episode is, its name,
what is going on, how long will it last and is it one of those
shows where episodes follow one another or if its not linked at
all. I wanna know everything before I dip my toes.
I thought I was over music books and movies, but I am just
afraid of them. I am literally afraid of books movies and music,
of words of everything because i see its power. Its all so
silly. The self is like play-doh, so moldable, so sensitive.
Is there any way to focus more on the I AM, other than exploring
what i am not and just practice and patience?
#Post#: 2684--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 11, 2014, 5:58 am
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Im minding others people feelings, egos stories. Or at least
thats what I think. Im a little confused here, If im supposed to
treat others as myself, how is it okay to step on their toes and
not on mine? Most of the time what I want to express will be
hurtful to the other side. Or at least not comfortable. Its what
needs to be said, its what bugs me, its the elephant in the
room, you know its not even too much, just a few sentences.
Its mostly to do with my parents. They cant handle anything,
they dont want any talk, never have. They dont repect any need
or want of another, just themselves. They are always irritated
and so easily offended, its like living in a uncovered tooth
nerve. I cant freely say anything without offending them and yet
when i do it they dont change their behaviour so I dont ave to
do it again. Its like they seriously try to avoid suffering but
really do everything they can to invoke it again. Its like they
very very quickly fall asleep, they behave as if nothing
happened after half a day.
And yet I avoid talking around them, expressing what wants to be
expresses, hell, wanting to express what i want to express. I
used to think it was simple, standing on your own with parents,
but its layer after layer after layer, all the more insidious
than the next. They give advice but refuse to listen to
anything. They give unsolicited advice, They behave as children.
They havent changed, not one bit. Its like they dont want to
live at all, its like they arent even alive. Its like theyre
trying not to be alive and im constantly blowing their cover.
"Dont you see we're invisible, that we're dead?"
ANd I keep sheltering them, and inducing pain in my thought feel
system. Over and over and over again. Are there really others,
or im just prolonging stuff to avoid seeing there are none? It
feels like im always avoiding the inveitable because im afraid
there is no end to the skirmishes. Battle after battle after
lesson after lesson. Breathe rest fight fight fight breathe
rest. SOme walking some eating.
Im reading Nisargadatta "i am that", more like shuffling then
reading. But it suits me.
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