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#Post#: 2461--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 7, 2014, 1:57 pm
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Im kinda amazed how i didnt die like physically, like no crash,
no tumor, no w/e. It feels like one of those samadhi with
objects, as I heard the term yesterday, but its prolly just a
trap too. I do think my understanding is even deeper than i
conciously understand. I had a lot of ideas for how my life was
supposed to be and it isnt. I had a lot of ideas how flow is
supposed to work but they arent true. I had a lot of ideas how a
day should function but i kinda get now how i retroactively
explain anything. If a plane crashes in my yard it would be well
of course, it broke some crap and bla bla, but a minute before
that a plane carshing in my yard would be laughable and
ridiculous.
Ideas, stories about everything, people, life, time, place,
energy, money, job, career, self, capabilities, family, past,
future, the bloody moon, the earth, solar system, w/e, church,
sex, relationships, marriage, you name it, it was a story. But
it also does not mean none of those stories will work out, just
that some will and some wont, it all depends on your, well, my
life. i feel like a blind man that can somehow see. I feel like
a blind man whose imagination is so vivid he doesnt get that hes
blind, like that. im starting to pretty much doubt that my eyes
every worked before, like they really kinda hurt these days.
I used to think my thoughts and emotions are somehwere separate,
tunneled off deep behind in me, in the back room of some kind,
like they are unconciously churned and decoded and perfectly
calculated and then presented to my concious awareness but
theyre not. theyre here out in the open, in the body, thoughts
feel up, emotions feel like they are lower somehow. And my
thoughts and my emotions can be pretty stupid and dumb.
They are not accurate or clever, but they get the job done. The
world still holds together and continues to function wether i
make a total ass of myself or get to be the coolest guy in the
room. I could not even be bothered anymore to put in the amount
of work needed to be the coolest, well thats a lie, i do like to
make a run for it sometimes. My understanding of people/others
is changing by the day. Mostly the thought that surfaces is that
nothing really matters, or that its not so important, even when
emotions are ringing off like bells and thoughts run rampant.
Whatever is even an inch "away" from me doesnt really do much
anymore for me, its all becoming really level. It like im in a
weird way more focused on myself than ever before. I dont even
get how much im observing myself. Like im stalking myself
without even realising. There is still like a need to know how
is it that anything feels so irrelevant on some level. Like it
is really possible to drop all concern about outcomes or self
image or self worth and so on and so on.
ANd how i dont know what im gonna do or say or think or feel.
Well, no thinking and feeling is predictable as hell but i
notice how patterns get interrupted every so often. The days are
elongated and feel like weeks, i feel like ive gained more time,
im starting to question time.
I appreciate all of your comments,
the Witch King of Angmar.
#Post#: 2463--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 7, 2014, 2:44 pm
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Dear Jed , am I for all effects and purposes - blind?
#Post#: 2505--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 8, 2014, 6:46 am
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This whole thing is also and avoidance. Avoidance tactic. I am
avoidant. I cant make any sens of this place. I cant make any
sense of my existence. My existence is not a solution to some
kind of a problem. I have no do or die function. Most of it
relates to body and its survival, in any form. The body survives
like it has been taught to survive, like any other animal. I
have the bonus of thinking, going back and forward in imaginary
time, trading what is for what isnt. But its not even that.
I try to come on top. To handle situations. To be the king of
the hill. Of every hill. But really the body does it for me.
WHat im afraid most is the fear and basically when you are
afraid of the dark you are afraid of fear in the dark. But that
fear is the reason I can sleep at night becuase if some shit
comes up, fear is the one that will defend me. WIthout fear i
would be dead. Hormones, adrenaline and all that. Its necessary.
It keeps the body alive, fucntioning, shifting energy around. I
cannot ever control it or overpower it in any way. Im starting
to think Ralston is a fake too. That fear chapter was not really
I dunno, on mark. Something is missing, something is missing
from all the teachings.
I watched a video by some woman named Gangaji yesterday, and she
mentioned something like willingness to face a catastrophe right
there where you are, where i am. I feel beached like a whale but
im mostly more alive than ever before. I try not to stand up for
myself. I try not to defend myself. Its done. The harm is
already done. Its always over. But I cant really be hurt, if im
hurt its because im set up for it, like jesus and the cross. Its
hardly avoidable.
A grey heron settled here where I live on the lake. I enjoy
watching him. He's so lazy. He can spend up to a half a day just
standing on the stone by the sea shore. Such perfection. How
come cant I see myself as that? How come cant I see how
beautiful I am?
#Post#: 2507--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 8, 2014, 6:59 am
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Being is not really that difficult; what comes up is some kind
of fear that i will be put up for questioning by others as to
why dont I try harder at life. WHy dont I have more hobbies more
interests, why dont I mass opinions and likes and dislikes. I
reach for them but they are as washed up by the sea. The ones
that are left are as hard as rice stains on a bowl, really
hardcore, and immovable. Im not proud of half of them at all and
the other half i am as proud as hell. Guess they are tied
together somehow, by me. The mechanism that get them running is
almost unreachable to me, but they all get revealed to me just
by life itself. Prollyh as been like that all along. I just get
shoved in the smell of the mechanism untill im sick of it. Then
another another another.
Its a pretty day and Im literally afraid to go on a field trip.
Nervous, anxious. Maybe I dont want it. MAybe something bad will
happen. Im afraid of thing continuing to break apart. Im afraid
of losing all distinctions. I am that rag doll you mentioned in
the third book. Ive been thrown into the fire. I went though it.
Didnt burn fully. Not everything burned away. SOmehow. Whats
left is beyond me, what has happened is also beyond me. Ive got
enough going on just going through the simplest day possible.
Draw water, chop wood is unimaginable hard when you have your
thoughts and feelings. It really doenst matter if im in the
concert or in the depest wilderness. THe thoughts and feelings
are still there. THey are still so loud. Makes no difference
what I do. Its unsettling to hear them, to be with them. SO much
crap, and so much truth. SO much fantasy, belief, pretendinf,
effort and energy. GOing into what? Drawing water, chopping
wood, going to the dentist and having a coffee. Its all hard as
hell when theres me doing it. Its all so hard. It takes a lot of
effort, a metric tonne of effort just to get out of bed, just to
fall asleep, just to have a glass of water. Its all effort whe
you try to be responsible.
And its all body. Everything being laid out for my enjoyment.
Everything done without a single decision, no , without any kind
of involvment. I am truly not necessary. Not the whole thing,
the mind, the body, but ME, this sense of me. Its not like bo
hoo, my friends and my gf doesnt need me. Shit, they do, they
most likely do , for the body and thoughts and decisions and
what not, but none of that is me. Nobody needs ME. Nobody has
any damn need for ME.
I wish I could say Im needed for the awareness but that is a
far-reaching conjecture. Nobody needs even the awareness. It can
all just freely go to the darkness, but it doesnt. Its in light.
ANd that also has nothing to do with me. Its just how it goes.
SO i have some importance, but none thanks to me. Nothing thanks
to me.
#Post#: 2509--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 8, 2014, 7:13 am
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Dear Fear:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... tell me something I
haven't hear. Story upon story upon story.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 2520--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 8, 2014, 11:37 am
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I dont think I ever had fun in the whole of my fucking life. I
depress others or I depress myself. Like push down. Im a bouy. I
have no idea what I m doing and I cant do nothing not to be
bothered about it. Oh fuck me, fuck me and my shit already, its
all so god damn annoying. Fuck my advice, my observations, my
counsels, my vision, my perspective, my value, others value,
all, fuck all ,heaven and hell, fire and burning and being a lie
and thte truth and the days and dusk and night, and everything,
fuck every single thing. I want to be at peace. I want to
unwind. I want to let go of something but I dont know what it
is.
The only thing i can think off is carrying around baked pies
with me and then start off the situation with me busting one in
my face, that is the only way i can handle life. Its fucking
silly how serious I am.
#Post#: 2521--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 8, 2014, 11:43 am
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How did i become this serious? how did i become this wise? how
did i become this knowleadgable? how did i become so full of
horse sh it. How did it come to my mind to give advice to
others? how did i begin to think i now now something? how didi i
think it was worthy to spread it around? how did i think this is
worth anything at all?
#Post#: 2523--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 8, 2014, 12:02 pm
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I know all this shit but i have no idea when it comes to living.
This wise crap is all i know i can never give it up. There is
nothing in its place. I am not joyful or happy or serence or
calm or crap, im just in this fucking persona that tries to tell
everyone they know nothing. Other than that im a fucking
failure. A total failure at everything else. If i dont appear as
if i know shit, ive got nothing. Ive got nothing else going on.
Talking thinking feeling about myself. On and on and on. Being a
bit ok then anxious and anxious and anxious.
#Post#: 2524--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 8, 2014, 12:04 pm
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Even here, on this sire, i can see what a fucking drag i am. Im
very good at being a total fucking drag.
#Post#: 2534--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 8, 2014, 1:48 pm
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Theres no help for me. There is no need for help. Its just that
there no need for me thinking about me. Theres no need for me to
be into anything, no need for me to be in anything. I just suck
the shit out of stuff. Im the added, im the unnecessary, im the
un-value added tax. I am crap, i am useless, my fears my
thoughts, my feeling have always been right. There is not a
single thing i do right, not a signle thing i do. nobody needs
me, nobody wants me. Im not useful. Im not necessary, whats
more, im the obstacle. Obstacle 1. I am the obstacle 1. The
speed bump.Whatevers going on the shift goes to ME, me me me me.
Im ve been trying to hide in this ive got no hobbies or intrests
or friends or life anymore, but its a lie. You can do no shit
with your life. I cannot touch my life. I cannot do anything in
my life but get in the way. I get in the way. My feelings, my
thoughts, my weight. Its fucking tue, i cant believe its true.
MY biggest fear and its true. Im fucking useless. Nothing will
ever happen to me. Ill go nowhere, ill see nothing, ill do
nothing, ill enjoy nothing, i wont relax or undeerstand or be
able to explain. I wont fucking sleep. I wont rest. Ever. No one
has any need for me.
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