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#Post#: 1940--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: September 29, 2014, 3:42 pm
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Thanks.
Also like i undug how we interact with the world directly, its
not via thoughts and feelings, it only seems that way. Thoughts
and emotions are not mirrors or results of interpreting reality,
they exist side by side it. So if the wrold is perceived as
fucked up or weird or just you know dreamy and not really
coherent, why would thoughts and emotions have to be? Because
they're mine, because they are me? Yeah right. We interact with
the world directly, not indirectly. I see into the world, but
sometimes it feels as tho I might keep my eyes closed , its
really the same.
But basically what i was going for is this, why would it be that
the world is allowed to be percedived as shitty or bad or wrong
sometimes , but thoughts and emotions cannot? Why would they
have to be held up to some higher standard? There is obivously
no standard. WHy cant emotions and thoughts also just be, but I
guess where would we complain then, you can use emotions and
thoughts to make up for the world, but where would I make up for
the thoughts and emotions? Nowhere, just nowhere. It is all what
it is,its all a big "because". I know nothing about anything
even when im looking straight at it.
#Post#: 1968--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 30, 2014, 12:06 am
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Dear F:
Why, why, why, why, why. Stupidest word in the English
language. What would be the point of knowing 'why'.
I will tell you, before hearing your answer, because I know the
truth of the is issue. There is only one point, to prove
yourself right, better or smarter and some one else or this,
wrong, lesser or stupid. That's is, absolutely all there is to
'why'. So why the hell would you ever ask it again, ever.
You see, I just used it to make myself smarter than you. Now
that's pretty stupid in my world. There are things you are
smarter at than me and visa-vera. If you are smart you will
start asking smarter questions and get out of your egoic 'why'
rut.
If you ask 'how' about things you may get an answer that will
lead to something else. How did I burn my finger. Hmmm.. I put
my hand on the hot stove. Well, I don't think I don't think I'll
do that again.
Or, why did I burn my finger. Cause I was stupid, didn't pay
attention, was a complete idiot, a moron. Yes, you may be, but
it doesn't help much with your burnt finger syndrome does it.
Never, ever, ever, ask why again or I will compel a thousand
camels to piss in your tent and it won't be pretty, trust me. I
will also make you wander the desert alone for an eternity
without water. Why would I do these things... because...
Love ya, Jed.
P.S. You think I'm joking... just try me.
#Post#: 1978--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: September 30, 2014, 3:02 am
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Love it.
Switched my ALS to paper because i burn more of it. There is no
closure in gmail haha.
#Post#: 1992--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: September 30, 2014, 8:46 am
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My life really consists of a couple relationships which have
been intensifiying with fight every couple of days. Im sometimes
wrecked with fear of separation and abandonment and being alone
and WHYY does it all have to be this way, and sometimes im
strangely calm. I have no real desire or wish to get out of
them, and the thought that comes to mind is to just let it and
see what happens. Im kinda seeing how its almost impossible to
understand each other and the only thing that glues together is
that i dunno lovey dovey feeling that exists for everything in
particular. The thing that leads to a fight, which is
misunderstanding , or lies, never leads out of them. There is no
thinking out of a fight.
Ive been thinking of leaving them, but leaving something just
because its bad seems kinda seethrough, im not chasing rainbows,
also I have no real drive to seek any kind of relief or escape
or find something better or anything along side concepts like
that.
Also apparent is how I cant really help anyone or give advice to
anyone cause i have no idea what are they talking about or i
just find their situation ridiculous , and i know theyre gonna
change their mood and their opinion next morning or the moon
phase or whatever, not that im that aloof and cool even half the
time but its somthing like that. Its really really hard to just
be the space for people to be in without giving some kind of
dumb pointless input, its not even really giving, the words just
fly out of my mouth before i get the idea to stop them.
Thoughts? What to do when people lie to you? When people refuse
to say that lies arent truth? What to do when people show no
real desire or effort to understand but they wont openly say
that they dont love you or maybe even like you?
I feel like i am 5 years old, I have absolutely no idea how to
behave. Should I just lie too, I prolly have been doing it
already.
#Post#: 2114--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 2, 2014, 9:52 am
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Sometimes when i wake up from a nap ill fear intense fear and
being lost, and like i look at things but they dont get me that
"home" feeling, like i cant ping off of the environment
sometimes. What came to mind in autolysys is "maybe i cant
remember that i dont have to think something bad will hapen" and
similar word plays like that.
Also I seem sometimes unable to feel like my memories are
correct, like I do "remember", thoughts arise but it doesnt feel
like anything special to me, like memory thoughts dont really
pass of as something special flashy with a memory function
designation and a "memory" id card, its like theyre stripped and
are just thoughts now. Sometimes what comes to mind is asking
someone if we really did share that moment last night or lunch
or whatever, I am not sure any more. But I dont do that.
Also I have trouble with the whole C-rex thing. When I first
read it the same day I had like a noticeable shift in my living
experience, but it soon wandered off, the punch weakened. So I
started to dig it recently and what I can get to is that C-rex
was viable as long as I thought it was like a conciousness in my
head, like im that mutant Cyclops and the red beam he shoots of
is the world i am seeing and the beam is conciousness, like
literally the world is in my head but how can it be conciousness
is in my head when my head is also just in conciousness and i am
in conciousness , body thoughts feelings, this sense of me is in
conciosness BUT STILL I am the one being concious of
conciousness so something stinks there. I know i am concious of
stuff, like on a thinking basis but it doesnt feel like that. It
does not feel like stuff exists only because i am concious of it
or aware of it. It does not feel like im the one aware of
awareness or that i am awareness or that i could be awareness,
but its gotta be something because I am aware.
Or its just that I feel im the sense of self, thoughts body
feelings is the problem and really Im the awareness awareness.
But it does not translate into my living experience. A lot of
this seems to relate to killing how i think i know and
underneath that i feel like i know and not just think it, and
then i see that i really only do think i know and i dont know
and then the doubt is viscerasl and uncomfortable but there is
no going back.
Maybe there is a better word for this "aware of" lingo, maybe i
should stop playing games.
#Post#: 2223--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 4, 2014, 7:08 am
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Deleted last post. No no no. I feel like I cant say anything
true to you. I dont understand my own words , i dont understand
my questions. They all seem so different once on screen, and I
walways want to write more and different ,a and more and
different and less and different. Im never satisfied with what I
write to you here, it all seems so fake. My concerns are so
shitty, cant allow what is, cant bring myself to accept what i
see, cant bring myself not to be concerned with what cant be
changed by me, cant bring myself not to be concerned with people
that dont really ask for my concern.
I feel torn in million directions and i feel like can only go
nowhere. Its groundhog day for all of use. So why am i
concerned? Obviously im lying to myself. I cant even be honest
with myself. I thought i was focused but i see how i cant focus
myself. The emotions dance all around, and are always
threatening me with crap. How do I stop being a hostage? I just
want to have one honest question or a remark, whatever, just for
once. I do not want to doubt all of me every day of the week, I
cant even do this right, I cant do anything right. No , not
right, its more like properly, honestly. I cant do anything with
my full weight behind it. im always squirming and not commiting
fully. WITH everything
How do I stop the confusion?
#Post#: 2259--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 5, 2014, 10:31 am
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Who's confused? No, REALLY, who is confused.
I feel quite fine thank you.
SO, WHO THE HELL IS CONFUSED?
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 2307--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 6, 2014, 6:36 am
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I dont know who is the one confused. Its not me. I think its all
the bodies baggage anyway, like thoughts , memories, feeling,
what the fuck ever, its all body's. Identification is the
problem. I am like a camera glued on to, but not just sight,
like i get every feed, everything that goes on with the body i
am aware of. I am that awareness.
its just hard to admit how badly my "neighbor" ( calling it like
that because its the closest body to the FoV, or the biggest)
feels, the stuff it goes through, but i get how there is no
person in the body. The body with all the sensory crap and the
ranting in the form of emotions and thinking, the loops it gets
into, the traps that set it off, how much energy, trapped energy
is there. Its hard to admit its you at first and then its even
harder, its almost impossible to admit its NOT me. None of it is
me.
How long do you get accustomed to all of this, to allow yourself
to see everything as it is, i dont even really get why does it
affect the body but it somehow does , but trying to understand
it seems like a trap. You cant do anything about it anyway.
There are no mechanisms, no levers, no buttons, no plugs, no
cogs, no wheel...
#Post#: 2347--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 6, 2014, 12:07 pm
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No.
#Post#: 2418--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: October 7, 2014, 2:40 am
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Dear Jed, it always feels like the same day, why? No no, HOW?
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