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#Post#: 1840--------------------------------------------------
Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: September 28, 2014, 8:47 am
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Id rather not say much about me because i believe it is evident
from my posts, so prolly even more evident to you, and because
ive emailed you before so you probably know more about me than
even i do.
Background: life, your books, zen in the art of archery, zen in
the art of motorcycle maintenance, every book i ever read, every
person i ever met, every thought and feeling ever observed,
school, parents, some youtube videos - paul hedderman mostly,
some adyashanti, parsons and the others that are too blissful
and gushey for me to consider serious
Im not interested in truth , false, ego, death, or anything
remotely spiritual , i dont want bliss, or any kind of out of
body experience. I cant control how i feel or how i think but i
still feel like its mee feeling and thinking. I lost interest in
most of stuff there used to be but still i sense life.I used to
think im going to die but somehow the things are not completely
over. I want to know how can i make my life normal, how can i
just stop the panic already because its been going on to long. I
just want the plain to level alttitude and i think i should be
doing that. How do I just stop freaking out? I know nothing here
has got anything to do with truth because im pretty sure i cant
ever see if im wrong, even when i know im logically wrong, i
still dont feel it.
I want to hear about fear, i want to hear from you what this
place really is, i want to know how bad and hopeless this place
really is. I dont want to run or hide.
I want for once for someone to tell me my hunches are right and
that this place is a retarded costume party.
#Post#: 1842--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: September 28, 2014, 9:13 am
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Sometimes I have so little control over my body, but the catch
is i figure it out late, wether its 5 seconds or two months
late. I figure out I ve done something horrible, something I
shouldnt have. I lash out, i yell at people , i cry , i break
stuff, i break up with my loved ones. And when it first builds
up, the thought or the feeling feels so validated its like ye
ye, and then its like - what have i done?
And so on and so on. Its like someone is pulling the strings and
does stuff and im just here to watch and suffer the consequences
and try to fix it. I feel like i only get to do the shitty
stuff. Like someone is living my life, and creating it and
setting all the conditions and fucking it up monstruously
occasionally and then im the one that lives it. Im afraid and
anxious most of the time. Few years of this have done nothing
for me on the improving the quality of life front, on the
contrary, everything just went to shit and now im living with
what happened. Im now living with who I am.
#Post#: 1851--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: September 28, 2014, 11:15 am
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I want people to notice me , to have an interest in me , and ill
decide what level of interest is really enough. I wont take ay
interest , qualitatively or quantitively. I need and I want
attention, constant attention. If i dont get it, im burning
up/out/in. All of my writings always indicate like I know whats
wrong with me, like Im always finding out whats wrong with me,
and Im sure im correct over and over and over. It never occurs
to me I could be simply wrong. THat I simply dont know whats
wrong with me and Im not finding out. Or hell, simply that here
is nothing wrong with me. See, its that "stinky" knowing again.
#Post#: 1854--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 28, 2014, 11:37 am
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Dear Fear:
STOP RIGHT NOW! (I believe that was a Meatloaf line, love him.)
You are not giving anyone attention. I repeat, you, being the
only source of attention in the world, are refuse to give it
away. What the hell.... ???
Start sharing it for God's sake. There is no other attention in
existence other than what you source. You aren't the sink, you
are the SOURCE. Start sharing it or I'll throw you off the
forum, like right now. Report on my desk in the a.m. I expect a
minimum of three ways you share attention.
By the way, love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1856--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: September 28, 2014, 11:57 am
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Ill try my best.
#Post#: 1859--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: September 28, 2014, 12:40 pm
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Ill do my SA here, I dont know if thats the general idea, but I
know youll intervene properly if somethings off.
MY first thoughts about this forum since joining, wow, people
are reading what i write. Kinda ghastly , but also cool. Ego
steals it, but hey it works the way it works. Attention deficit
is a symptom of my family me thinks. What I do when im mad at
someone or most of the time madat them is that ill withdraw
attention. After all, its not right to speak with someone who
made you angry right? Its not right to give attention, to speak
, to even look at the ones who neglected and neglect you and
your needs so much.
They cross my boundaries all the time, they dont know the right
time to approach, they just intrude. They are insensitive and
they dont notice when im hurt and they breach after that with
dumbest general question and I dont want that. I dont minutiae
after Ive been hurt. I want them to apologize and notice my hurt
but they never really do, not properly, not correctly, not
humanly. So its hard. I know theyre like that, but I cant stop
being mad and/or hurt. If i just fogrive them i feel inhuman. I
feel theyre just gonna continue walking all over me. Its the
weirdest relationship in the world. It makes entirely no sense
to me.
SO like my mom I cant even look at her. most of the time i cant
even look at her. It brings up rage, it brings up hurt, mostly
it brings up resentment, and its so ugly. I hate to feel it when
i look at her. I hate to resent the one thats supposed to look
after me, that was supposed to look after me i guess, and now
says she did her best but always points out shell do nothing to
change and will in the same sentence says shell do anything for
me. So i know shes lieing. Why would I give her attention?
And its a never ending circle, they fuck me over, im confused
and hurt, my health has gone to shit, im hoping it wont be
something serious in the way of illness, and most importantly im
jobless after college so I got no way out. No way out without it
being the dumbest tale of all , because people dont usually take
kindly to talks about prents being shitty because from hat ive
noticed theres a lot of repression going on especially with
parents, especially where im coming from, the general area.
But I always feel like a little bitch not givin attention. Like
I dont have to be lovey dovey, but I dont want to tip toe around
them and act like I usually dont with others. Its fucked up. It
shows how much investment of emotion and identity there is. I
just want to start treating them the same as everyone else and
its hard, its really hard.
My dad particularly, i get into a mental fog with him every
time. He talks and acts semi normal , so i instantly forget all
of the hurt until after the interaction when it all hits me, and
i start feeling like shit because i hadnt spoken out or took a
stand or said anything in the way of my opinion. My opinions
always bruise them because they are quite the children. They
never assume anything they are doing might be wrong. Theyve
alienated all of us the children, and its a very very weird
relationship.
I want to start disentagling all of that but its gotta and it
has started with action like out there, SA has helped to see and
to feel and to notice the delay and how i always take late to
expressing.
Ill contemplate on your "assignment" too and report back.
#Post#: 1887--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: September 29, 2014, 1:18 am
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1. i start looking at people im mad at, so they can feel my
anger or whatever the hell they can feel or i can feel, because
i really do not want to look away but i do because it USED to be
easier, ill look at people that make me feel shame for them,
like they are illogical, really unkempt or poorly dressed or
just act unappropriately for the situation
2. ill start giving more attention to events i do not want to be
happening, like i get prissy and pale because i cant believe its
happening, but its happening , ill stop trying to make them
wrong OR right, and just acknowledge them because again, I DO
want to look at it but im afraid they exist and are real
3. like the two above ill give more attention to my bastard
thoughts and emotions, the ones i do not want to be having or
even to be able to be having which makes me cower in ignorance,
anxiety and fear, like whatever there is a thought about i will
entertain it, ill try to stop adding more thoughts/emotions onto
thoughts/emotions
4. ill try to be a good host for everything in the universe,
that is , that appears in the FoV
This all while pondering about it raised a question of wether or
not can i choose to give or not give my attention because it
sure feels like I can. Then again there are parts where I do
want to give my attention but Im afraid of what it will mean for
who and what i am, because its not something i used to do, that
is its not something I used to give attention to before, and Ive
kinda been though a lot of change lately. Can i refuse to give
my attention to something im aware of?
So ill start with giving attention to stuff im afraid or anxious
to give attention to and Ill see where that leads. Good host I
hope does not mean a fool. That bothers me a lot, like that
Jesus turn the other cheek crap. I dont believe its true or that
Jesus is true but im sure that cheek-turning is a part of my
programming.
#Post#: 1921--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: September 29, 2014, 10:54 am
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Dear Jed , my problem is I cant find out what is my problem.
What do I do? Can I just do nothing?
#Post#: 1922--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Fear
Date: September 29, 2014, 10:59 am
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No, its more in the sense, that none of my problems are
spiritual, they are all quite earthly. Why dont I have more
money, why was I not born higher, why dont I live in a better
place , why dont I have better parents, why dont I have more
determination, why dont I have a bigger penis, why am I not
cooler? Thats it. Thats how wise and holy I am. That is entirely
it.
#Post#: 1933--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fear
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 29, 2014, 1:38 pm
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The answer to every question you present is 'because' but don't
let that stop you from making up some b.s. to explain it.
Love ya, Jed.
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