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#Post#: 24--------------------------------------------------
KayF
By: KevYo Date: August 27, 2014, 1:19 am
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Here's some context:
I recently spent about 2 weeks with a teacher. What pushed me
to spend $5,000+ and go to spend time with that particular
teacher was the suffering of being unimportant, unwanted and
SUPER behind in obtaining women, money and a desirable life. I
couldn't articulate it at the time, but now I know I was in the
pursuit of enlightenment so I can trump all the people who has
ever made me feel inadequate.
Now I see that was just another game ego has tricked me into
playing. But it was not a waste of time.
Where I am now:
I can see that my experiences are the perceiving of colors,
sensations and thoughts. None of which can make up an inherent
person. I have read some of Greg Goode's materials and
understand that an objective world "out there" is not
verifiable. At this moment, as I sit here typing, I can see that
the thoughts I am aware of is not me and i can't find anything
that I can say is ME. But from time to time, I still get caught
up by the desire to be loved and look impressive to other
people. Most of my desires are for sex and love from girls I
have determined as "attractive." But I see that the concept of
"hottest" or "attractiveness" is also what I have labelled on
the perceiving of colors and sounds. When I get caught up, I
still get worried about getting fat and out of shape. So to some
degree, I still identify with the sensations that I have deduced
to be "my body."
I am progressing slowly (I know there's no progress, only
thoughts), and I am okay with that. I think I know what you mean
now when you say enlightenment is not something you choose but
more like a mud slide after you've taken the first step. I have
no idea whether I've taken the first step or not, but it feels I
am not doing "this" consciously, I am just moved to read things,
be with awareness, scrutinize my experience... It feels like I
am on a lazy river that is slowly taking me somewhere and I have
no idea where that is. (After I wrote that, I am not sure if
that's true anymore. I am on a river? I don't know).
There are fears about this as well, there are moments when I
feel like "I" am dying. And that makes me sad. I am more sad
that I am killing my dad's son and and my sister's only brother.
Yesterday, I went back to my boxing class after being away for 2
months and I saw how pointless it was. And how I only started
doing it because I thought it would made me look "cool." I wish
I could go back, Jed. But I know I can't. I question everything
now. Assumptions, attachments, everything.
In the introduction of this forum, you said that if you assign
an assignment, I must pursue it diligently. If I were to do the
exercise you assigned in your first book, the one where you
asked Sarah what she's moving towards and what she's moving away
from, it would be like this:
Moving away from: Unnecessary additive, deductions and/or any
crap I've added to my direct experiences (i.e. see/experience
through thoughts that I have about sensations, colors and
feelings)
Moving towards: direct experience in its simplest form.
That's all for now.
#Post#: 25--------------------------------------------------
Re: KayF
By: Jed McKenna Date: August 27, 2014, 2:24 am
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Dear KayF;
Thanks for that. Up to my ears and will give a deeper read
tonight. Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 59--------------------------------------------------
Re: KayF
By: KevYo Date: August 27, 2014, 6:22 pm
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Today I was looking at the thought: “my stomach is fat.” This is
a recurring thought I have had but only yesterday I looked into
how the identification sticks.
Most of the time, it begins with a sensation in my stomach. The
sensation triggers the thought “I am fat.”
Am I the words FAT? No. Without labels, am I the sensations? No.
Am I the shape attached to the sensations? No. The picture I see
in the mirror, am I those collections of colors? No, those
colors are outside of me. How can I be anything outside of me? I
am that which I perceive? Can I verify that there is a person
doing the perceiving? No.
What does being fat means? Being fat means being undesirable.
Not wanted by girls and women. Being fat also means I won’t be
able to have sex with them to the best of my abilities. And
therefore I won’t be important to them. Where is the person who
can attract women sexually? I see a picture. Colors. Are those
colors a person who can attract women sexually? No, they are
just colors. Not a person.
I am meeting a girl for the first time tomorrow, and I really
want the date to end in sex. I see pictures of the meeting going
super well, her laughing and touching me and then me plowing
her, feeling attractive and desirable. Does that picture point
to a person who is wanted, attractive and loved? No, it’s just a
picture coupled with sensations.
I see pictures of her being not as attractive as I thought and
I’m disappointed. I won’t be able to become a more attractive
person by sleeping with her. This meeting is pointless. I’ll
just rest in awareness and be a spectator of this perceiving.
I see pictures of her being really attractive, pretty and cute
personality. I wanna f-u-c-k her, but she is not responding to
the things I say and the jokes I tell are making things awkward.
My acting of a “normal person” is not holding up. Thoughts of
“you are different” and “This nondual thing is making you not
attractive and unappealing to normal people” come up. I feel
unwanted. Where is the person who is unwanted? Is there a person
who is on this “nondual path”? All are just thoughts. I know I
won’t be sleeping with her. “I really want to have sex.” Is
there a person there who can have sex? I have no idea. I want
that sensation.
What does that sensation mean? That sensation means that I am
living my life to the fullest.
Jed, this is where I feel stuck. The thought of “go sleep with
more girls! If you don’t, you are not living your life!” keeps
coming back.
If I drop into awareness and get some distance from the thought,
there is still the sensation. I can see that the chasing of
sensations is just a hamster wheel that will keep me trapped. So
I know that’s not it.
In some posts, you talk about hormones, but isn't that just
story? I feel a sensation and an institution arbitrarily deemed
“credible” tells me that the sensations are caused by
“hormones.” What the hell is that? How is that different than
saying “you feel h0rny because there is a little unicorn that
comes to you at night and sprinkles h0rny dust in your ear”?
Both are thoughts. All thoughts are equal.
Okay, I guess the direct experience is there is a sensation of X
(let’s call it being h0rny). Without the labels it’s just a
sensation. A sensation that is not a threat or anything else.
Any thoughts to get rid of it or judge it or explain it are just
excess bull****. Sensation just IS. The sensation isn't a person
and it does not mean anything.
That’s it for now.
#Post#: 71--------------------------------------------------
Re: KayF
By: Jed McKenna Date: August 27, 2014, 11:34 pm
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Dear K:
Thanks for sharing. I understand the horny thing, and all the
male bullshit that's out there. On a practical level, men want
to fuck so everything can be o.k. and women want everything to
be o.k. so they can fuck. That's all you need to know about
that. Set out to make a friend and fucking may or may not
follow. Just fucking someone who is not there is pretty yucky.
Beside, you don't really want to fuck, you want to feel love for
another, and that's a good way to fake it.
Regarding your path. Please submit one specific question to me
and we'll take it from there. Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 104--------------------------------------------------
Re: KayF
By: KevYo Date: August 28, 2014, 12:09 pm
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[quote author=Jed McKenna link=topic=10.msg71#msg71
date=1409200452]
Regarding your path. Please submit one specific question to me
and we'll take it from there. Love ya, Jed.
[/quote]
I know any answers you give me will just be thought-level BS
that can't/shouldn't be stood on or clung onto. All thoughts all
like that to me now, seemingly helpful but empty when looked at.
I wish I could write and write and write like Julie did in
Spiritual Incorrect, but I can't fill more than a page without
seeing that all are just thoughts that are NOT me.
For the sake of seeing where this can take me, the question I
have is:
How do I subtract myself from the equation?
When I rest in that-which-is-aware, I sense that there is no
perceiver or personhood. Perceiving is all. Is-ness is all there
is. But when a thought about the future comes, or a thought
about my relationship with others, I sense an entity of me-ness.
But wait, all those thoughts about the future are experienced in
the present, and I am not those thoughts or pictures nor can I
sense a person that is doing the perceiving.
So how do I subtract myself from the equation? Is it just a
matter of continuous looking and seeing "This is not me. And
this is not me. Nope, this is not me either and NOT ME..."?
#Post#: 121--------------------------------------------------
Re: KayF
By: Jed McKenna Date: August 29, 2014, 1:46 am
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You can't really subtract 'you' because you need a 'you' to do
it. Just rest in that perceiving and welcome everything, if
Truth is not an infinite welcome then what is it? Just practice
welcoming everything.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 480--------------------------------------------------
Re: KayF
By: KevYo Date: September 3, 2014, 4:06 pm
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[quote author=Jed McKenna link=topic=10.msg71#msg71
date=1409200452]
Set out to make a friend and ****ing may or may not follow. Just
****ing someone who is not there is pretty yucky. Beside, you
don't really want to ****, you want to feel love for another,
and that's a good way to fake it.[/quote]
I was considering what you said today. And it occurred to me
that I have no idea how "I" can make a friend. I am not even
sure what friend means.
I also "realized" that it really doesn't matter if I have date
someone or have sex with them or not. All are just sensations
and colors. Awareness and perceiving. Who's to say that the
"sex" sensation is "better" than the sensations in my current
experience? All sensations are the same. They are only different
when an evaluatory thought has been added to the experience. It
really doesn't if I am sitting here typing or if I am in a hot
tub with Niykee Heaton (you should google that name; the
arrangements of colors in the search results are pretty
pleasant). I only thought it mattered because of the meaning I
attach to the sensations and the thoughts that tell me one
sensation will mean something about "me", which are more
clusters of thoughts, sensations and colors.
It feels like things are unraveling for me. Or maybe that ego
thing everyone keeps talking about here is tricking me into
thinking that... I have no idea.
#Post#: 918--------------------------------------------------
Re: KayF
By: KevYo Date: September 10, 2014, 12:05 am
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I am just gonna wallow and marinate in my bullsh*t/lies for a
bit…
I don’t like living with my family anymore. I mean, things
aren’t bad but I am just tired of propping up stories, meanings
and all that stuff that comes with relationships. Things were
easier when I was away and living on my own. But I wasn’t
comfortable with where I was living so when I was away, I missed
the comfort of a clean shower and familiar bed.
I want to live in a place where I am comfortable on my own.
Somewhere quiet and slow with places to hike and oceans to surf.
And a punching bag. But I need money.
But I think I would feel bad for somehow abandoning my family.
That I have dug myself out of this vat of stale lies and left my
family trapped in their own prison of futile drama.
I think that’s why I am tired of living with them. I can see
everything they do is lame and purely out of being trapped in
lies. And I am tired of being around the constant preservation
of characters. I know what you will say to me, Jed. Everything
is me, all of it. Where is my family? All are just colors,
sounds and sensations. All are just arisings in awareness. No
right or wrong, no good or bad, no meanings whatsoever. And no
matter what I do, everything will be based on lies. But at least
I’m conscious of the lies I am operating out of.
I also get super annoyed with other people’s posts on here. “Hey
Jed, please tell me how to get to Human Adulthood! Hey Jed,
what’s the difference between H/A and T/R?? Hey Jed, please feed
my endless craving for answers so I can cling onto a thought
from the WONDERFUL, GIFT-FROM-HEAVEN MASTER Jed McKenna! Hey
Jed, check out this realization I had!! BLAH BLAH BLAH…” Stop
trying to pursue this, you idiot. Can’t you see? They are just
thoughts. They don’t mean s-h-i-t. Don’t believe them.
Again, all these are all JUST ME. There is no one else on here.
There isn’t even a “here”. They are just f*cking lines on a
projection. There’s no one there, don’t be a f*cking retard,
KayF. You shouldn’t say that word “retard.” F*CK you, I’ll say
whatever I want.
All these thoughts point to a “self” who is “further” than other
people. The thoughts are deluding me into thinking “I” am
someone who is further along than my family and “other people”
on the forum. Don’t believe it, KayF. Don’t believe anything.
Treat all thoughts the same, like wind blowing or birds flying
by. The thought “my sister is blind and trapped in bullsh*t” is
the same as “my sweatshirt is laptop and engaged in popcorn.”
Where is a you? Show me. Oh, you can’t? Then SHUT THE F*CK UP!
#Post#: 940--------------------------------------------------
Re: KayF
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 10, 2014, 4:30 am
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Dear K:
Got it. Now what yah going to do?
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 990--------------------------------------------------
Re: KayF
By: KevYo Date: September 10, 2014, 11:39 pm
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[quote author=Jed McKenna link=topic=10.msg940#msg940
date=1410341417]
Dear K:
Got it. Now what yah going to do?
Love ya, Jed.
[/quote]
I don’t know, Jed.
Further, I guess. I’m going to finish reading Greg Goode’s The
Direct Path and continue to rest in the perceiving and the
IS-ness of experience. And inquiry into everything I’ve come to
know as “reality” and as I do that, I’ll continue to untangle
and tear apart inefficient, unnecessary and untrue thoughts and
other mumbo jumbo. Seriously, that’s all I wanna do. I want to
dismantle the person-hood I take myself to be and look at
thoughts and ask “what is supporting that thought? What is my
direct experience?”
I still have a year and a half left to my university degree so I
am somewhat bound geographically until 2016. I suppose you will
ask me “why am I going to school? Why finish?” My answer is “why
not?” I don’t have any inkling or impulse that tells me not to.
I mean, when I sit in class I can see most of the things they
are teaching me is bullsh*t and based on wrong-knowing and
unfounded assumptions/thoughts but I don’t mind it. I am
studying nonfiction/journalistic writing so the sh*t that are
thrown at me aren’t too smelly.
There’s a recurring thought that tells me to read John Bogle’s
Common Sense on Mutual Funds and Little Book of Common Sense
Investing so I can start investing and building some personal
capital to fund my move once I graduate. But so far, I’ve just
been allowing the thought to arise and then disappear. I don’t
know what to do or what thoughts to trust and follow. I don’t
know anything.
And I am okay with that.
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