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#Post#: 2552--------------------------------------------------
Re: PJ Wells (28) and his half-brothers, Ryan (13) and Jake (11)
By: Jack Date: December 27, 2017, 4:34 am
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Saturday morning, I had a call from PJ.
"Dad, Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the house!,"
Okay, I might be paraphrasing there a bit. He actually told me
that they'd had a breakdown, and he couldn't handle it.
I made sure that no one was bleeding, then I took the time to
make sure the older kids knew where I was going, and I took off.
When I arrived, I went in to talk to PJ, but it didn't take long
to decide I needed to talk to Ryan and Jake first.
Going into their room, I found that both of them were mostly
naked, and their butts were red like they'd had a double deluxe
upgrade session. I had understood why PJ had spanked them, but
not this hard.
There comes a time when you have to say 'done is done' and try
to get things going right from that point, which is what I did.
I sat down next to the two boys and rubbed their backs until
they were ready to talk to me. Then we talked about what
happened.
You see, they were supposed to spend that night with their Mom,
but she'd called and cancelled. She had a party she wanted to
go to, which pretty much made me sick. Worse, PJ was having to
work the Sunday, but he then had several days off in a row.
He'd actually had a date planned that night. While he was
trying to reorganize and get everything settled, the boys were
throwing fits of their own, and they backtalked him and
disobeyed him when he sent them to their room.
They deserved a spanking, but - as I said - the spankings he
gave weren't abusive, but they were overboard for what the boys
had done.
Once I got them talking, I let them blow off a little steam at
PJ, but then I defended him - not in how hard he'd spanked them,
but I got them to look at what he's gong through, an pointed out
that they were making things harder on him. Ididn't try to say
he'd been right, but I tried to explain things from his side a
bit, and consider how they'd acted, and how someone doing that
to them would have made them feel. We agreed that maybe they
should apologize to him. They weren't exactly happy to that, but
I convinced them that they can't control his behavior, but they
should still be the best they could be. After they apologized
to him, he apologized, and said he should have waited and calmed
down - even though they had deserved the spanking.
Later, I reminded him that, just because someone has earned a
spanking doesn't mean you have to give it, and sometimes one
last chance is the better choice.
After the apologies were done, I told them to go wash up, pack a
bag for a couple of nights, including pajamas, and get dressed.
They came home with me and spent Quiet Night and Christmas Eve
with us. PJ came over for Chritmas Eve, but went home. He's
used to being at work at 6am, so he made it back in plenty of
time (I just called him when I got up, and he was there by the
time I was dressed).
The boys did go see their Mom, though it was Christmas
afternoon. Bobby was happy to take them, so he could visit some
friends of his in Fort Worth. She took them to see Jumanji and
they had lunch. She wanted them to stay overnight, and then she
took them to the mall to get a present for each of them, then I
had an Uber pick them up and bring them out (which was a lot
easier, if not cheaper, than sending someone to get them).
In the meantime, PJ and I have had a couple of long talks. It's
barely been over a year since he took custody of the boys,
though he's been helping with them a lot before that. I don't
think he'd bargained for everything he was getting into. He's
stuck in a job that he really doesn't like, because he needs the
money. PJ and I have become a lot closer over the past year or
so - especially since he moved back to Branson. On the other
hand, I thought for a while that he was going to be the first of
my kids to really move on and cut ties. He lets me help, but he
still doesn't want me to just give him money. He wants to be
able to cut back on work for a while, so he can devote himself
to looking for a job in graphic arts.
I asked him yesterday if I need to take the boys. He just
doesn't know, but I'm sure he's tempted. We're going to talk to
the boys about the situation and see what they think, and we'll
probably end up having a family meeting about it.
#Post#: 2562--------------------------------------------------
Re: PJ Wells (28) and his half-brothers, Ryan (13) and Jake (11)
By: kalico Date: December 27, 2017, 6:35 pm
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Aww HUGS pj....
I'm so happy he called you for help and I'm happy you could give
it and I hope you guys come to good solution for them all....
Pj is one of your boys that can to you older right?
Hugs kal
#Post#: 2570--------------------------------------------------
Re: PJ Wells (28) and his half-brothers, Ryan (13) and Jake (11)
By: Jack Date: December 28, 2017, 5:39 am
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[quote author=kalico link=topic=88.msg2562#msg2562
date=1514421341]
Pj is one of your boys that can to you older right?
[/quote]
When PJ moved in with us, he was already 17. We had known him
for a while before that, since he was friends with Tommy.
Actually, I have only ever paddled PJ once (though it was
tempting this past weekend), and that was before we fostered
him. When he moved in, he originally told me he would move out
as soon as he turned 18. I told him that was unacceptable, and
laid out my expectations for him. I don't think either of us
saw him here more than 10 years later, but so it goes.
[hr]
PJ had to work yesterday. I met with Jake and Ryan, and we
talked a while.
PJ i a private person, and the boys didn't know a lot of his
history. I tried to explain enough to get them to understand
some of what's going on with PJ.
I hadn't really made this connection before, but the age
difference between PJ and the boys is about the same as it is
between me and my mom. This is a much different time, though,
and it came about in much different ways.
I don't want to say that PJ doesn't want his little brothers,
but I will say that, if he'd felt they were 100% safe with their
mom, he wouldn't have taken them. I know that sounds like he
sees them as just an obligation, but I don't think that's true
at all. Rather, I think he saw it as his duty to take them
because they are his brothers and he loves them.
I also have to admit that part of this might be my fault. For
over a year now, I've tried to explain to Jake and Ryan that I
am not their father. I did that largely because I don't want to
interfere with them bonding with PJ or thiking that I'm going to
go around overriding and interfering with PJ (and partly just
because I'm pedantic, I suppose). To me, they should be
accepting PJ as their father figure, but that's not the
relationship they already had defined. He can be in charge, but
I think they needed to define themselves as part of the family,
and I was preventing that.
Having admitted that to myself, I'm now going to accept it and
try to make it clear to everyone that they are mine. It also
means I really need to have a talk with a few other parents and
boys who don't live here, but whom are either undefined or see
me as a father figure.
We didn't have time for our four way meeting last night, PJ
worked late. He's trying to get the weekend off, by working
longer days. He came over last night, and I made a plate for
him, and we talked a while. I told hm most of what I'd told the
boys, and what I'd decided. As far as I'm concerned right now,
if he wants me to take the boys - for a while or forever - so he
can take time to do some of the things he really wants to do,
then I will throw Clayton out. Clayton can move in with PJ and
help with the bills. (I have been considering forcing Clayton to
move out for a while now, but that's a totally unrelated issue)
While there's no one I'm willing to move into the garage
apartment right now, I think it would actually work as a college
room for two people, since they won't be living in it.
In the meantime, I let Jake and Ryan know that I do love them,
and that they're always welcome here. I also pointed out to
them that this place and their apartment each have their
benefits and their drawbacks, and I got them to find some of
each for me, so they'll really understand that. I only did that
to make them realize that they're not losing a ton by not living
here, especially since they're over here almost every day, with
their friends.
PJ is taking a few days to make his decision, though he knows we
should try to make it before school starts back. In the
meantime, we're both going to talk to my family lawyer, and
we're going to investigate ways to make our relationship
stronger. We're definitely going to start by me specifically
putting them in my will, and PJ making a will that very
specifically passes custody to me, and explaining why not their
mom, and we're going to run that by the judge to see what he
thinks about it.
#Post#: 2574--------------------------------------------------
Re: PJ Wells (28) and his half-brothers, Ryan (13) and Jake (11)
By: kalico Date: December 28, 2017, 12:36 pm
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Thanks for clarifying about PJ I thought it was like but
couldn't go back and reference....
I'm happy y'all have a plan of action and I hope it all works
for the best what ever the outcome is....
Hugs kal
#Post#: 2599--------------------------------------------------
Re: PJ Wells (28) and his half-brothers, Ryan (13) and Jake (11)
By: David M. Katz Date: December 28, 2017, 8:44 pm
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Is there a problem with Clayton?
It does seem like it would help take some stress off of all
involved if the boys stayed with you for a while. Would moving
in with you impact school; would they have to change schools?
#Post#: 2624--------------------------------------------------
Re: PJ Wells (28) and his half-brothers, Ryan (13) and Jake (11)
By: Jack Date: December 29, 2017, 4:18 pm
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[quote author=David M. Katz link=topic=88.msg2599#msg2599
date=1514515485]Is there a problem with Clayton?[/quote]
He's not in any type of trouble, if that's what you're asking.
My problem with him is that he works, goes to school, does his
chores, then plays video games. He doesn't participate the way
the previous boys did.
Part of that might be my fault. These days, I have Chris and
Marcus and their wives, I have my nephewe Jason and his wife,
and I have a number of dear friends who can help when some of
the kids need watching Maybe Clayton isn't doing as much, just
because I'm not asking him to. Still, I'm having to force him
to save money, his grades could be much better, and he seems to
need an invitation to hang out with us - not to mention that
he's not sharing much money or chores, compared to what he's
getting. I don't want to throw him out or start spanking him
again, but I think that if he were to move in with PJ and be
responsible for himself more, it might be a good thing for him.
[quote author=David M. Katz link=topic=88.msg2599#msg2599
date=1514515485]It does seem like it would help take some stress
off of all involved if the boys stayed with you for a while.
Would moving in with you impact school; would they have to
change schools?[/quote]
No, they'd continue at the same schools, so except for actually
moving, it wouldn't be too big a hassle.
#Post#: 2689--------------------------------------------------
Re: PJ Wells (28) and his half-brothers, Ryan (13) and Jake (11)
By: Jack Date: January 1, 2018, 3:44 pm
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Things seem to be going well with everyone for now. With the
college kids home, there just isn't room right now, so all three
of them seem to be taking their time. I'm just going to say
that I think the decision is mostly PJ's, and he seems to be
really thinking about it and considering what his options are,
and what's best for everyone.
I made it very clear that, since school starts Wednesday, this
evening is family only night - not even grandsons or nephews.
Then I made it clear to Jake and Ryan that they're to bring
stuff to stay over tonight.
They were very happy to be counted.
#Post#: 2704--------------------------------------------------
Re: PJ Wells (28) and his half-brothers, Ryan (13) and Jake (11)
By: Zyngaru Date: January 1, 2018, 7:33 pm
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[quote author=Jack link=topic=88.msg2689#msg2689
date=1514843054]
I made it very clear that, since school starts Wednesday, this
evening is family only night - not even grandsons or nephews.
Then I made it clear to Jake and Ryan that they're to bring
stuff to stay over tonight.
They were very happy to be counted.
[/quote]
That was probably the greatest thing you could have done to make
them feel a part of the family. :)
#Post#: 2723--------------------------------------------------
Re: PJ Wells (28) and his half-brothers, Ryan (13) and Jake (11)
By: kalico Date: January 2, 2018, 1:11 pm
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Aww ... I'm in agreement with zyngaru
Happy that things are going good for them
Hugs kal
#Post#: 3007--------------------------------------------------
Re: PJ Wells (28) and his half-brothers, Ryan (13) and Jake (11)
By: Jack Date: January 16, 2018, 11:39 am
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PJ needs a long, thorough trip over my lap with the small lexan.
Failing that, I think he needs to go back to the therapist for
a while.
I've known this for a while and I'm pretty sure I mentioned it
before, but PJ is afraid of commitment - or maybe he's afraid of
relying on someone. I can't really blame him, since he was sent
to TYC over relatively minor behavior, because his step-father
wouldn't support him or take accountability for him, and his mom
wouldn't stand up to her husband.
Now, PJ is anchored down with his little brothers, but he's also
stuck in a job he doesn't like, and he doesn't have time to move
on with what he needs to get the job he really wants.
He just seems to feel like he has to be the one to do
everything, He has literally told me that he doesn't want me to
have to take care of Jake and Ryan because he doesn't want to
'take advantage' of me. I have pointed out that he is my son,
and it's my job to help him with things, and that him allowing
me to help where I offer is something different than taking
advantage.
For now, PJ has custody of them, and I don't want to do an end
run around him or hurt his feelings, but he does seem okay with
the boys approaching me as a father figure, so I'm not just
allowing but encouraging that. I want them to know, understand,
and believe that they are part of the family. For now, Jake and
Ryan will be spending a bit more time over here, so that PJ has
a bit more free time. I've got him to change his work schedule
some, so he'll be able to take a couple of classes he wants to
take this semester. They'll be Tu/Th, so he'll be getting the
boys to school, then going himself, and working other days. I
insisted on paying his rent this sememester, then we'll see how
everything goes when he finishes.
I'm still not sure it wouldn't be better for the boys to move in
here full time, but PJ is their brother, and they have a good
relationship, and I don't want to break that up.
For now, we're going to stay more or less like things have been,
and we'll see how they develop from here.
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