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#Post#: 9257--------------------------------------------------
Oct 2018's Just Stuff
By: Jack Date: October 10, 2018, 4:58 am
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Inertia is a huge problem, and so is my sleep schedule. I'm
afraid it's getting pretty erratic lately.
Most of you know that I deal with depression. Technically, I'm
bipolar, but my manic phases are pretty mild, and my depression
usually isn't very extreme. Really, my depressive episodes tend
to be a combination of ennui and sleeping more.
I think lately I've been dealing with some of that, but really
it's a combination of that, with teaching, dealing with the
businesses, and caring for the family. Sometimes I even make
time for my offline friends. However, I will admit that part of
it is inertia. There are things I meant to blog about
yesterday, and I could have done some of it yesterday morning,
but I looked at what had been posted, went to do something else
- blinked - and it was already 7am, and I couldn't break away
from the routine.
Part of my recent distraction is my mother. She's only 70 years
old, but she's having some memory problems. Part of the problem
I'm having is that she's been a long-term alcoholic, and her
husband told me she's used drugs in the past, so her health
isn't great. She's got a bad knee and has surgery, but, because
of her health, they're having problems clearing her to get it
done. To me, she's showing some of the early signs of dementia,
but some of them can be attributed to pain from her knee, and
limits on what she can physically do because of it.
In the meantime, she's demanding more of my time. I had to take
her to the doctor yesterday, trying to get her cleared for
surgery, and that ended up taking from as soon as I got out of
school until almost 5pm. That's leaving me in a mood, both
because I can't be home for the kids, and because she's very bad
about pushing my buttons.
Being honest here, my mom and I never had a great relationship.
I try to be a 'good son', because I know my grandmother would
want that. However, my mom was an abusive drunk, and I have a
lot of problems with her that I've never been able to work out.
Let me share a story of something that happened when about the
time I turned 9, not long after she's married her third husband.
It was a Sunday, and his daughter had spent the weekend with us.
We had to take her back, but no one knew when we'd be leaving,
so I asked to go play with my friend. I was told I could, but
to check back 'every once in a while' to see if they'd decided
to go. I went and played, thought about it and checked back in.
Still no plans, so I went to play. Then I heard someone
calling me. I went back, and got spanked for not checking in
often enough. Then we had to go straight to the car, and I was
stuck in the back seat with a 13 and 5 year old girl and trash
in the floor. I was promised another spanking when we got home,
because I couldn't sit still and kept making noise.
Obviously, this made a huge impression on me. It's what I refer
to as my mom's 'telepathic parenting', since I was literally
spanked because I 'should have known what she meant by 'a
while''.
Recently, she was complaining about some young people she knows
(her husband's family, with whom I have nothing to do beyond
having met them a couple of times) having asked her to watch
some infant, and they left him with her for four hours. She was
really upset by that, though there was no time limit set by
either of them. Then she told that they should have known what
'a while' meant, so I reminded her of that incident from my
childhood.
She laughed.
I nearly went berserk, and it's a good thing we were on the
phone. The sad thing is, I think she knows she pissed me off,
but I don't think she understood why.
I mentioned she was an alcoholic, and she went to AA for years.
The 8th step of 12 with AA is apologizing and making amends, yet
Mom has never done that, and there's a simple reason why.
Nothing is ever her fault. That doesn't make it easier for me
to work through my own problems with her. Worse, even though
I'm 53 years old, I still sometimes surprise myself by finding
emotional landmines that were laid 40 years or more.
Anyway, while I'm not going to change when I'm sleeping to be
able to post more, and while it is easier for me to write in the
mornings, I am going to try to make myself spend at last a
little time updating things every afternoon. Maybe if I can get
just one update done every afternoon, after I get home and eat,
I can get back into the habit of writing.
So, thanks to all of you who still bother to read my posts. Let
me remind you that, while feedback and comments aren't required,
they do a lot to keep me coming back and motivated. So thanks
to all of you who've stuck with me so long.
#Post#: 9262--------------------------------------------------
Re: Oct 2018's Just Stuff
By: Zyngaru Date: October 10, 2018, 7:22 am
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[quote]
So, thanks to all of you who still bother to read my posts. Let
me remind you that, while feedback and comments aren't required,
they do a lot to keep me coming back and motivated. So thanks
to all of you who've stuck with me so long.
[/quote]
I haven't been around as long as others, but I do read
everything posted. I don't always comment. I try to put
emoji's when appropriate.
Some posts that I read, I don't know how to comment on them and
this is one of them. I could tell you that I somewhat
understand, because of my own experiences of boyhood and how
Depression runs in my family, even though I don't have that
issue myself. I deal with brothers and sisters that have
depression issues, but that could come across wrong. Like I am
trying to do you a one-upence.
Thus, it is difficult to respond to some posts. I also don't
want to post something that would make you even more depressed,
by how it comes across to you. Our mood at the time of reading
a post, can change how we perceive it. Like I said, I never
want to make you feel worse after reading something I post,
especially when you are in a state of depression.
I don't know your mom so I don't know if she knew she was
pissing you off or not. Some people know and others don't know
when they are pushing your buttons. I think it is more
difficult dealing with those who don't know when they are
pushing buttons. Because when you react to them, they don't
know why you are upset. The people who intentionally push your
buttons, when you react to them, they know exactly why.
As for the medical. When we get older, the medical issues
surface and they seem to be more serious in nature. As your
mom's medical issues get worse, remember you being the "Good
Son" is more for you than for her. When she eventually passes,
you will know that you treated her a whole lot better than she
treated you. That should relieve any guilt thought you will
have afterward. I know me caring for my dad during his last
years, have helped me from having feelings of guilt for hating
him and praying that he would die during my boyhood. The good
we do for those who were spiteful to us, is for our emotional
well being not theirs. They most likely wouldn't understand the
concept, because they think they didn't do any harm to us.
I'll close with that. My best wishes and prayers.
#Post#: 9271--------------------------------------------------
Re: Oct 2018's Just Stuff
By: kalico Date: October 10, 2018, 10:05 am
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Awwww HUGS Jack
I feel for ya.... it’s hard to deal with parents when we feel
wronged and they won’t admit to thier part of it..
My mother went to her grave thinking she did nothing wrong to
any of her children. She was horrible to her only son and he got
the worst of it and me being the baby got the least but enough
to mess with me...
I think your doing a great job with how you are dealing with
your mom and I bet your grandma would be so proud of you and all
you do for everyone...
I hope you start to feel better and get sleep...
Hugs kal
#Post#: 9274--------------------------------------------------
Re: Oct 2018's Just Stuff
By: jackson Date: October 10, 2018, 11:59 am
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Sorry to hear about your problems Jack.
I hope things begin to smooth out a little in future for you.
Rest assured I do read all your posts and really look forward to
reading all your updates, I do the human equivalent of a Fido
jump when I see an interesting "Jack update", especially with
what's been all happening at BCA.
I'll also try and contrubute more myself, often I read the
replies to BOTD and think I can't match the creative responses
of the others here.
Anyway, hope you manage to get back on track soon.
#Post#: 9278--------------------------------------------------
Re: Oct 2018's Just Stuff
By: Jack Date: October 10, 2018, 4:41 pm
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[quote author=Zyngaru link=topic=876.msg9262#msg9262
date=1539174128]
[quote]
So, thanks to all of you who still bother to read my posts. Let
me remind you that, while feedback and comments aren't required,
they do a lot to keep me coming back and motivated. So thanks
to all of you who've stuck with me so long.
[/quote]
I don't always comment. I try to put emoji's when appropriate.
Some posts that I read, I don't know how to comment on them and
this is one of them.
[/quote]
That was not meant as an attack, or even meant to be begging for
attention. I know there are some people who read everything,
but rarely respond. There are others who are very good about
responding.
I will also admit that, every once in a while, a time comes
along when everyone doesn't comment at the same time and that
can be a bit depressing.
Also, let me say that I do appreciate people who 'react' to the
comments, and I normally look at the list to see who did what.
To me, one of the most important things about comments is that
it lets me know what interest people and what they like hearing
about most. That's why I try to always answer questions when
they appear. I figure that, if one person asks, twenty people
might be interested.
Anyway, thanks again to those of you who do always read and to
those who respond.
#Post#: 9281--------------------------------------------------
Re: Oct 2018's Just Stuff
By: Zyngaru Date: October 10, 2018, 6:13 pm
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[quote author=Jack link=topic=876.msg9278#msg9278
date=1539207707]
To me, one of the most important things about comments is that
it lets me know what interest people and what they like hearing
about most. I figure that, if one person asks, twenty people
might be interested.
[/quote]
I can tell you up front what interests me the most. It's the
boys. I love hearing about what they are up to. How they are
doing in school. What kinds of things interest them. How they
relate to others. You are living the life I wanted to live. I
came close to it once and messed it up, so now I read what you
post and live vicariously through you and the boys.
#Post#: 9287--------------------------------------------------
Re: Oct 2018's Just Stuff
By: David M. Katz Date: October 11, 2018, 12:57 am
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Jack, your mother sounds like she has some narcissistic
tendencies.
I admire your patience with your mother. I was not as good of a
son as you are.
Who watches the boys while you are away? I guess they are all
mostly old enough to watch themselves.
#Post#: 9295--------------------------------------------------
Re: Oct 2018's Just Stuff
By: Jack Date: October 11, 2018, 3:37 am
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[quote author=David M. Katz link=topic=876.msg9287#msg9287
date=1539237446]
Who watches the boys while you are away? I guess they are all
mostly old enough to watch themselves.
[/quote]
Most of the time I spend at Mom's is after I finish teaching,
but before the boys are released, so no watching is required.
When I do have to be gone when they're home, as happened Tuesday
thanks to Mom's very long doctor's appointment, Jeremy is
nominally in charge. While Van, Parker, and Joel are usually
busy after school, and while Zeke isn't mature enough to be in
charge of others, Liam, Kaden, and Leif are all able to help
Jeremy if needed. Also, Rose and Mary (both former step-mothers
of mine, and both active grandmothers to the kids) are able to
stop by and help out without a lot of notice on most occasions,
if I need extra help.
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