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#Post#: 3798--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: David M. Katz Date: February 15, 2018, 3:15 pm
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Perhaps this comes naturally to Liam as he has two younger
brothers?
Perhaps the two should work together and make a schedule for
door open and door closed times?
#Post#: 3804--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: February 15, 2018, 5:10 pm
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I'm sure you're right about Liam, David. He's used to dealing
with the younger boys, and he'd been pretty repsonsible for them
before they moved in with me. He's treated Kenny and Colt much
the same as he has Devon, and he seems to treat Zeke the same
way.
As for a schedule, I think that'd be going a bit far. Zeke
doesn't play with the hamsters every day. Sometimes he's too
busy. Other times, he has free time at different times of the
day. It's better they just get used to respecting each others
needs and desires.
#Post#: 3877--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: February 18, 2018, 5:16 am
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Zeke got some swats again yesterday.
As I said elsewhere, it ended up being pretty nice yesterday,
and Zeke took off riding his bike. Without signing out and
clearing it with anyone
For the record, it's not that I do or don't trusts him, or how
much. It's that it's my job to run the household, and I have to
know where people are to do that. I hold Ethan to the same
standards (with a little more leeway), and I expect even Clayton
to keep me generally apprised of when he'll be home or not.
I had caught Zeke gone, because I was asking the boys to finish
some of their chores early because of Bryce's birthday dinner
(sometimes I wonder how much the boys get away with stuff like
this, when I'm not looking for someone for some reason). When
Zeke got home, I chewed him out, then suggested he loose his
bike for the rest of the weekend. Today's supposed to be very
nice as well (a bit cool - 65F for the high, but nice), and he
begged me not to take his bike (he can drive a car, but it's
pretty limited, and he loves getting out and riding - a sense of
freedom, I suspect). I warned him that I could smack his butt
this time, but if he did this again, he'd loose his bike for
several days. He promised he'd be more careful, so we went to
my room.
I had him get the bath brush, drop his pants and shorts, and go
over the side of the massage table (it's high enough that
putting his hips on the edge and his upper body on the actual
table takes his feet off the floor, and there are handles he can
hold). I did it lecture style, making him explain to me why we
have that rule, and why people need to obey it (besides the fact
that it's a rule). I gave six swats, and he was breathing a
little hard, but not crying when we finished, and he took it
very well. He got up, hugged me and apologized, then fixed his
clothes, put away the brush, and washed his face.
Then he hugged me again and went to play, so I guess we're good.
#Post#: 3878--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Zyngaru Date: February 18, 2018, 7:59 am
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[quote]He got up, hugged me and apologized, then fixed his
clothes, put away the brush, and washed his face.
Then he hugged me again and went to play, so I guess we're
good.[/quote]
Even though he didn't ask to be spanked, he did agree to it on
his own, so that he could keep his bike. Being able to be part
of the decision makes it easier to accept it. It is probably
part of why he took the spanking better without crying. I would
imagine he felt he deserved his punishment, once you explained
it to him and he accepted it.
#Post#: 3891--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: February 19, 2018, 4:31 am
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I wanted to say a couple of words about Reynard here.
Reynard is Zeke's red Lab. The thing is, Zeke hasn't also been
the most reliable pet owner, and it's become easy to think or
Rainy as a family pet, rather than Zeke's.
There were several problems going on. I should have waited to
get a dog for Zeke, but he seemed to really want one, and I
thought that, given his background, he'd be able to do a good
job. There were really two problems with that. First, I was
relying on Van to teach him how to train and help him train
Rainy. While Van likes Zeke, I think he kind of resented the
time it took, and he really would have rather just done it
himself. Zeke has already had some problems with rejection and
feeling unwanted, and I think that strained things between them,
as well as meaning Reynard didn't get the best possible training
(I stepped in to make sure he and Zeke got all the basics, and
Zeke did pick up enough to teach him a few tricks).
The other problem is that, while Reynard was a puppy, Zeke
started regressing. It was nothing horrible, and not even that
noticeable in the short-term. Maybe regressing isn't even the
right word. The thing is, a lot of what I'd seen as maturity in
Zeke had apparently been imposed from the outside by constant
supervision and harsh punishment. When Zeke realized those
things were no longer there, he started slipping more and more.
We've spent the two years since then trying to get him the
experiences he needs and trying to help him build his own
framework to replace what he grew up with.
What does that have to do with Rainy? Simple - in a lot of
ways, it's easier to just take care of the dog than keep after
Zeke to make sure it gets done. He loves the dog, and he
doesn't neglect him and isn't mean to him. He just hasn't been
great about doing stuff like combing him or giving him as much
attention as Labs need. Zeke gets distracted,. If Rainy can't
get his attention (or can't find him), then Rainy would go
elsewhere for attention.
Well, this past week, I've noticed Zeke has been spending a lot
more attention with Reynard. They've been going for walks
almost every day, and Zeke has been combing and raking almost
every day. Reynard has been loving it, and, with the love and
kindness that seems bred into Labs, Reynard has forgiven his boy
for earlier neglect. When I checked on the boys this morning,
Rainy was in bed with Zeke.
This might, in part, be because I mentioned possibly getting
other new animals (along with Ebon and Onyx), but I have a
feeling it might be Liam's influence.
#Post#: 3903--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: kalico Date: February 19, 2018, 2:11 pm
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Aww I’m happy they two made up and that what ever pushed Zeke
back to taking care of his dog worked....
Hugs kal
#Post#: 3905--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: February 19, 2018, 4:20 pm
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[quote author=kalico link=topic=8.msg3903#msg3903
date=1519071116]
Aww I’m happy they two made up and that what ever pushed Zeke
back to taking care of his dog worked....
[/quote]
It's not that he never took care of Rainy - he just wasn't as
consistent as he needed to be.
#Post#: 4041--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: February 26, 2018, 4:20 am
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Zeke and I had a long talk (while playing with the kittens) this
weekend.
I think it all started with someone saying something that he
took wrong (hell - maybe he took it right, for all I know). The
thing is, it's very easy for someone to make an insensitive,
cutting remark because they think they're being funny, or maybe
they don't think at all, or maybe it's really not that bad, but
it just happens to touch an issue where someone is already
tender.
The thing is, he was busy feeling like a freak. We sat and
talked, and I think I got him to understand that he is
different, but that he's doing a great job of adjusting and
learning, and that all these other kids have lived with things
their entire lives that he'd never been exposed to (or only for
the past three years), so it's natural that he's going to take a
while to adjust. And that some people are just assholes, but
we can't kill them for that, because prison's no fun.
The thing is, I got to thinking about it, and I have to say that
I think Zeke's progress has slowed down. I know this from other
boys and my own experience, but, when we're in a bad position,
our brain tends to cover stuff up and soldier on, because
staying alive is the most important thing. Later, when we feel
safe and secure, then we begin to deal with trauma and problems.
I still find myself remembering some bullshit from my childhood
and having to deal with that issue so I can let it go. The
latest was just this last week - probably because of getting the
new puppies (when I was about 12 or 14, my dog was poisoned. My
mom blamed me for the dog dying, and threatened to beat the shit
out of me).
So yeah, Zeke isn't progressing as fast as he did at first.
He's spending more time playing and playing around. He
sometimes acts childish and does things I'd expect from Connor
and Curtis, not a young teen, much less an adult. The simple
truth is, Zeke lived a life without a lot of stimulation -
things for him were very limited, and it was a lot of toil and
drudge. For nearly three years now, after being thrown out of
the only life he'd ever known - the only life to which he'd ever
been exposed - he's been having to deal with basically a huge
culture shock. That has to be hard to process. It has to be a
huge adjustment to make.
The fact of the matter is that Zeke might never be ready to go
out on his own.
This has been a couple of months ago now. Let me start by
reminding everyone that we have family meals on school nights
(usually even if it's not a school night at that time, we still
continue the tradition). On Friday and Saturday nights, because
so many people are coming and going and doing different things,
we get our own meals, though I usually make sure something is
ready for the little guys. So this was a Saturday evening,
probably about 6:15. I think C&C were spending the night at
Jason's, or maybe Chris'. I walked into the kitchen, ready to
check leftovers, or maybe make a grilled sandwich, and Zeke was
standing there crying. Of course, my first response is to make
sure he's okay, and then I hug him. After a while, it turns out
he was hungry. Why was he crying? He 'didn't' know how to
decide what to eat.' I don't know why it took 2 1/2 years, or
if it had ever happened before, and I'd just missed it, but he
was just overwhelmed by the number of choices available to him,
and he couldn't cope.
So yeah - Zeke has made a lot of good progress since he's been
here, and I'm really proud of him, but I'm also starting to have
to admit that he might be my eternal kid. He might never be
ready to be on his own and completely responsible for himself.
Then again, he's not stupid, and he's already dealt with a ton
of stuff. It's hard for me, because his situation pretty much
is unique, and it's hard for me to deal with something I can't
label and pigeonhole, so he's not just going into new territory,
but he's dragging me with him. Still, while he does get
stressed out, and while he is sometimes overwhelmed, and while I
can tell I'm going to have to be really careful about being
patient with him and judging each situation for itself, I think
we're doing okay.
#Post#: 4045--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: db105 Date: February 26, 2018, 4:42 am
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Aww, poor Zeke! :-[
It's normal that he will have difficulties, but perhaps you are
too pessimistic in thinking that he may never be able to go out
on his own?
Really, his parents or whoever raised him have a lot to answer
for.
How is his morale? Is he happy most of the time, or sad and
frustrated?
#Post#: 4048--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Zyngaru Date: February 26, 2018, 10:15 am
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Your heart can't help but to go out to Zeke.
Most wouldn't have a problem with being overwhelmed with to many
decisions on what to eat. Boys being boys, most would probably
just grab some of everything they liked. But having to many
choices is so much better than not having any choices. One
exercise you might want to try with Zeke, is to give him more
choices on things. Instead of picking a movie to watch, ask
Zeke to pick one, from the many choices you lay out. That is
just one example. He might be overwhelmed at first but over
time, he will learn he does have choices and he will learn to
make them without it overwhelming him.
You might be right that Zeke will be your eternal kid. But you
might also be surprised. He might yet become independent. One
of my nephews, we thought he would be an eternal kid, because of
medical complications at his birth. He surprised us all and is
no independent not even living in the same state with his family
and he is thriving. Yes right now Zeke is questionable, but
over time with plenty of patience, he can grow into an
independent young man.
From how you describe things, I do think it is very important to
be very patient with Zeke. What I mean by that is taking the
time to explain and to talk everything out with him. Don't take
anything for granted. With all the other kids, it is going to
be difficult to find the time to be that patient. But Zeke is
going to need that time. He is going to need you to walk behind
him frequently to make sure he knows what he is supposed to be
doing. Not so much in direct tasks, because with his
background, he probably understands his duties when laid out to
him, because that is what he was used for as a boy. But the
intangibles. During free time. Making sure he isn't curled up
in a corner somewhere crying, because he can't decide what to do
with himself, when there isn't someone telling him what to do.
Another exercise for him. Give him free time and lay out
different things he can do with it and he has to chose one out
of many.
Sometimes that is hard for even those of us who grew up
normally. If there is such a thing. I find myself now that I
am retired, lazying (If that is a word) the days away, without
doing anything. I can only imagine Zeke who probably didn't have
any free time, and if he did, it was still probably structured,
to deal with free time.
Good luck Jack.
Zeke has you which makes him one very lucky young man.
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