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#Post#: 3442--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: February 3, 2018, 4:28 pm
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It took a little while to get through this, but I think I can
share what's been going on.
Besides my not having as much free time as I once did, we had to
work into Zeke's therapist's schedule as well.
The therapist and I talked things out. He had already noticed
the things I was mentioning, though he was a bit surprised at
how they worked out. The thing is that he describes Zeke as
socially disabled. It's not that he's like Steven was -
immature. Zeke is almost amature, to coin a term. In some ways
he's reasonably mature (or at least knows how he's expected to
behave). In other ways, he has no idea how to behave, because
he's never had it explained to him. And sometimes, as he's
growing up and exploring new freedoms, he does something that
most of us consider really silly and immature, because he simply
has no frame of reference for it.
At that point, I kind of left things up to the therapist, and he
made time for me, him, and Zeke to have a long session together
a bit later.
The session started with Zeke and the therapist alone. I don't
know exactly what happened, but basically the therapist asked
Zeke a lot of the questions I'd asked here. About how he's
doing, how he feels about how he's being treated (how he feels
about being spanked), what he wants to do, what he thinks about
his friends and how they're treating him.
For those of you who didn't know (or forgot), Zeke may be 20
years old, but he signed a document declaring himself
incompetent, and making me his legal guardian, which was
approved by the family court judge. Despite that, the therapist
is only allowed to share certain (normally non-specific)
information with me. In general though, he's happy with where
he is, and he hasn't given much thought to where he wants to be.
I was brought in at this point, and we discussed how happy I am
in general with his progress, then some of the concerns I have -
both with current problems and with his future goals.
It's interesting because the main thing he was taught was how to
work, so he knows how to accomplish goals that are set for him.
The therapist talked to me after that, then left it to me to put
everything into operation.
The therapist told me that a lot of the problem we're having is
that I'm too concerned about labeling everything. In many
cases, it's a good idea, because it gives us a good grip on how
to handle things. In this case, we're dealing with someone who
kind of defies labels.
Zeke and I did have a long talk a day later. He loves that I
let him have toys and books and let him watch TV and play video
games and drive a car but also ride his bike. He hates getting
spanked, but he understands why he gets it. He's not sure if he
hates spankings or getting paddled worse (spankings go on
longer, but the paddle hurts longer). He hates doing corner
time, but less than getting spanked or paddled. He likes parts
of school - especially art and gym, and he wants to take guitar.
But if you try to talk to him about things in general, he still
kind of gets lost.
I decided on my own that we're not going to try to graduate him
in '19. He's enjoying himself, doing well, and learning things.
We haven't tested him on the GED recently, but there's not a
huge reason he has to have it right away.
Instead of trying to label him as one age or another, I'm going
to have to try to evaluate his behavior and respond to him the
way he's acting. I am going to tend to treat him a bit younger,
because I don't think I can have the expectations from him that
I have of Ethan or Parker, much less Bryce of the twins. Then
again, Bryce and Ryan rarely got in any trouble after they were
14, while Steven was treated like he was 12 until he was past
18. Not all boys act the same, and most of the act differently
in different ways. Zeke is just a bit more extreme than that.
In the meantime, I'm trying to recognize ways that Zeke's age of
ignorance might cause special problems for him, and I'm trying
to recognize ways to encourage him to explore and learn and
grow.
#Post#: 3455--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Zyngaru Date: February 3, 2018, 7:31 pm
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Does the therapist think that Zeke will ever get to the place
where his is socially and behaviorally independent?
I guess what I am asking is, does the Therapist think Zeke might
be a kid forever?
#Post#: 3459--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: February 4, 2018, 5:26 am
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Have you ever heard the phrase 'you have to go backwards to go
forwards'?
The therapist and I both feel that Zeke has made a ton of
progress in the past few years. The trouble is, he had a very
long way to go. We had to get him to where he was safe and
comfortable before he could even start progressing. Then he had
to learn what's 'normal' and see how people react in real
situations, rather than just learning to kowtow to those in
authority over him. Most of us are standing atop scaffolding
that we don't even realize was built up for and by us during our
childhood. Zeke is having to do all that now and, despite how
he sometimes acts, he's not a little kid, which makes some
things much harder for him to learn or understand.
Zeke will probably always be a bit awkward and weird and maybe a
little immature, but so am I. At this point, we haven't seen
anything that suggests Zeke won't one day be a well functioning
adult, able to care for himself.
#Post#: 3462--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: db105 Date: February 4, 2018, 8:33 am
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Zeke's story is really unusual and interesting. He should write
a book about it someday.
I think he will be all right, though. Life has dealt him some
bad cards, but then his luck improved a lot, and with time the
wounds caused by the way he was raised will heal.
#Post#: 3463--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: February 4, 2018, 10:02 am
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This is probably a problem more common in America, because we
tend to have such religious extremist, and some of them shun
education for some reason.
If you're interested, you might Google Mormon lost boys or
Alecia Pennington to see some of the things that have happened
to other kids.
Fortunately, while some bad things did happen to Zeke, his
biggest problem is a simple lack of experience, which is easy
enough to fix - it just takes time and patience (from us all).
Some of the things that you'd expect to bother him don't. He
got paddled this morning (two swats for chores). I suggested us
going to my bedroom for extra privacy, since with have Drake and
Ed in the house, as well as Barrett, who's only a couple of
years older. To Zeke, CP is a standard thing for 'boys', and he
knows he messed up, so he's not really embarrassed by it (much).
I would have been much more worried about someone else hearing
than about the pain of two swats, but it didn't seem to bother
him.
#Post#: 3466--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: February 4, 2018, 1:06 pm
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Brain glitch on my part.
We (Daniel) were/was able to repair the mistake I made, so it's
back to normal.
Since the problem is gone, I also removed the comments about it,
since they don't make much sense anymore, with the context gone.
Thanks to Zyngaru for catching it and pointing it out (no
telling if I would have ever noticed otherwise) and Daniel for
repairing it.
#Post#: 3780--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: February 15, 2018, 5:18 am
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Yesterday, I was coming out of Parker and Ethan's room, and the
door to Zeke and Liam's room was open.
"Hey, Zeke," Liam called, and I stopped to watch.
"Yeah."
"It's after 7:30."
"I already did my chores."
"You double checked?"
"I only had to clear the table, take out the trash, and take our
laundry to the utility room. I even picked up the towel you
left on the bathroom floor."
"Wasn't me. Must have been Kaden or Leif."
"I finiished my homework, too. Can I get the hamsters out for a
while?"
"Okay, but don't you want to get ready for bed first? That way
you'll be ready when Dad calls storytime."
"Okay, right. But then I can get the hamsters our, right?"
"Right."
It's a bit funny, because Liam will be 17 on the first of March,
but Zeke will be 21 about six weeks after that, but Liam sounded
like he was talking to an annoying, but adored little brother at
times, and rather affectionate the rest of the time.
Zeke is a bit annoyed at Liam, because Liam likes the door open
most of the time, and he moves around a lot. Zeke likes being
able to shut the doors and keep them shut, so he can play with
the hamsters. That seems to be the major problem so far.
One of Zeke's biggest problems has been that he was told
everything to do when he was raised, often step by step. He
never learned to prioritize or organize for himself. He's much
better now (he's been living here nearly three years), but the
prioritizing is still a problem The way Liam treats him would
seem condescending to me (and annoy the heck out of me), but it
seems to be working great with Zeke (it's only been a few days
so far, unless Liam did this before they were rooming together),
but it seems to be.
I have made it very clear to Zeke that Liam's not allowed to
spank him, and he understands. He even apologized for it
happening before, though he said he only let Liam do it then,
because he 'didn't want you or Van mad at me.'
I have made it very clear to Liam that, while I appreciate how
well he's working with Zeke, and while I appreciate that he
wants to help, that he doesn't know enough about Zeke's past or
have enough experience to decide when a spanking is appropriate
or when another approach would be better. I think he understood
that, but I'm sure he understood that, if I find out he spanked
any of the other boys - especially Zeke - I was going to wear
him out in front of them. (I did let him know that, if Connor
or Curtis are doing something dangerous, and won't stop
immediately, that a swat or two on the rear is acceptable).
When I put Zeke to bed last night, I let him know that I was
proud of how he was adjusting When I said good night to Liam, I
let him know I was very proud of how well he was doing with the
older boy.
#Post#: 3790--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Zyngaru Date: February 15, 2018, 10:25 am
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Sweet. I hope this works. The hamsters being in there as a
"treat" for Zeke has to be of help for Liam to get Zeke to do
what he needs to be doing. Sort of like training a puppy.
That is not said as a derogatory statement. My sisters have
worked daycares (One sister owns her own) all their lives and
they were the first to point out to me, that training kids is
very much like training puppies.
#Post#: 3794--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: db105 Date: February 15, 2018, 1:10 pm
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[quote author=Jack link=topic=8.msg3780#msg3780 date=1518693496]
When I put Zeke to bed last night, I let him know that I was
proud of how he was adjusting When I said good night to Liam, I
let him know I was very proud of how well he was doing with the
older boy.
[/quote]
Aww :)
#Post#: 3796--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: February 15, 2018, 1:57 pm
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[quote author=Zyngaru link=topic=8.msg3790#msg3790
date=1518711911]
The hamsters being in there as a "treat" for Zeke has to be of
help for Liam to get Zeke to do what he needs to be doing.
[/quote]
Zeke doesn't need Liam's permission to play with the hamsters.
What he does require is for the older boy to keep the darned
door shut, so no cats get it. So far, things have worked out
pretty well. Hopefully it won't result in a problem. It would
be kind of nice to see Zeke get a bit assertive with his brother
though.
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