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#Post#: 37--------------------------------------------------
Zeke - Ezekial Jonah Hannigan Wells
By: Jack Date: September 13, 2017, 4:40 am
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Since this is a spanking forum, I felt like I should get
something spanking related posted.
Zeke is an interesting case. He's 20 years old, he's a junior
in high school, but he's also still like a younger teen in some
ways. The fact is, he was emotionally deprived, if not abused,
when he was younger, and he may never reach a stage of 'normal'
development. That's not going to be horrible, since I know a
lot of adults who are far from normal, but I do feel it's
important that Zeke learns to be responsible. Trying to find
the best way to do that is something of a challenge.
Zeke had a pretty good summer, but he's been having a bit of
problem since school started (hard to believe it hasn't been
four weeks). During that time, he's gotten very sloppy with
chores, with curfew, with bedtime, and with his homework folder.
Yesterday, he came in right at 6:30. I probably would have
excused that, if not for the other problems we've been having.
I did let it slide until I got the littles to bed, then I
checked his chores, had him fix the one he'd missed, then took
him to his room so we could have a talk.
While a lot of my information was on the forum, since I don't do
a full Spankorama anymore, I've been keeping more stuff on a
notebook or my desk calendar, so I'd sat down and made a list of
behavior problems and dates, and took it with me for us to
discuss.
I honestly think a lot of Zeke's problems are that he basically
had no freedom growing up, and had to sneak away for any free
time. Now he has too much. While I'm trying to help him adjust
and learn to deal with it - he tends to let things slide. I
understand that, but he's like many boys - sometimes a talk will
straighten him out, but sometimes you have to be more direct.
Since we've already had several talks....
Zeke and I sat down and discussed the problems he's been having
lately, what the reasons might be, and what he can do about
them. When the discussion was finished, I pointed out the
number of errors we've had recently, and suggested that we
needed to clear the air and get a fresh start. Zeke wasn't
enthusiastic about the idea, but he admitted he'd been having
problems, and he didn't have a better solution. When I offered
a couple (zero tolerance for a few days, which would really just
be staying where we were, or even just agreeing to do better and
starting fresh without a spanking), he admitted he hadn't been
doing what he knew he should. He never came straight out and
said he deserved something, but he didn't say he didn't either.
It was his shower time, so I let him strip and go get the bath
brush. He went over my lap. I did not tell him what to expect.
I started slow and did a bit of lecturing between swats, and he
was starting to break down quickly. After hearing a couple of
sobs, I made a last couple of statements about improving, then I
went fast and furious for another twelve smacks, which left him
kicking and crying hard.
We did a bit of hugging after that (Zeke is bad about asking for
hugs, but he does love getting them), and I sent him to get
cleaned up and get in bed.
By the time I tucked him in, he was mostly recovered, and we
talked for a few minutes. He seems to be pretty happy being in
the normal classrooms. He says it feels kind of weird to be
stuck that way all day, but he's basically liking it.
#Post#: 41--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Leti Date: September 13, 2017, 6:51 am
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It's great that Zac likes to be in the regular classes!
I hope this wake up call helps him to behave correctly!
Hugs Zeke!
;D :-*
Thanks for sharing Jack :-*
#Post#: 44--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: db105 Date: September 13, 2017, 8:54 am
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Aw, poor Zeke, even if it was just his own behavior that got him
in trouble. He has two more years before he finishes high
school, right? I don't know what he'll do afterwards, but do you
think he'll be ready by then to live on his own and do well in
college, for example? I mean, emotionally ready.
#Post#: 45--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Adric Date: September 13, 2017, 9:58 am
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I hope Zeke will learn more responsibility as time goes on,
enough to function well on his own when that time comes. This
can be a difficult situation. I had a cousin adopted when he
was 10 who had a bad early childhood and a difficult time
adjusting to a normal life after that early trauma. I hope Zeke
has a better time adjusting than he did.
#Post#: 46--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: kalico Date: September 13, 2017, 10:02 am
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Aw hugs Zeke.... like Leti says I hope this wake up call works
and I agree that by the end of high school he should ready....
Thanks for sharing jack
Hugs kal
#Post#: 50--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: September 13, 2017, 11:28 am
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[quote author=db105 link=topic=8.msg44#msg44 date=1505310848]
Aw, poor Zeke, even if it was just his own behavior that got him
in trouble. He has two more years before he finishes high
school, right? I don't know what he'll do afterwards, but do you
think he'll be ready by then to live on his own and do well in
college, for example? I mean, emotionally ready.[/quote]
He should graduate in spring 2019, so this year and next.
The real problem with Zeke (or with predicting his behavior) is
that he took a couple of years just learning what 'normal' life
could/should be, and then adjusting himself to those ideas.
Despite that he is nearly a physically mature adult (there was
some malnutrition or at least undernutrition - it didn't seem to
be too horrible, but it did delay his growth and might have
weakened his immune system a bit, though he seems to be
recovering from both those problems now), Zeke is still
emotionally a child. He spent a period of time just enjoying
that, and he still enjoys more childish things. He doesn't
understand sports (he enjoys playing, but not being a
spectator), but he loves his Legos and playing with the
hamsters. He does spend a lot of time with the younger kids.
He also treats both Leif and Van (especially Van) as his big
brothers, though he seems to accept Liam as more of a peer.
The idea of physical abuse is a hard one to discuss at times.
If you consider that Zeke was actually abused, then I think
darned near every boy growing up in the 50s was as well - at
least based on what my dad and step-dad (David, not Ralph) have
told me. He got hard whippings that sometimes left some
bruising, but most of them were deserved, at least by the rules
he knew. I think it was the rules, and the strictness of them,
and the lack of education and the lack of a chance to be a child
that were actually most of the abuse - so more emotional that
physical. He does have some anger issues, but he doesn't seem
to project them too much. As a matter of fact, some of the
problem we had was getting him to admit and deal with his
negative emotions.
Getting back to the original question, and as I said to start,
Zeke's problem is not a lack of maturity, it's that he can't
maintain it. Like many young teens, he can be very mature at
times, but he can also act like a very little boy at times. I'm
glad to see that, because it means he is loosening up and coping
with his upbringing, but that 'little boy' side can lead him
into trouble. That makes my problem reminding him that he
doesn't have to be mature, but that he does have to be
responsible.
Considering where he was a couple of years ago, I think he'll be
ready for something when he graduates. So far, what we've
discussed is closer to vocational school than college, but if he
changes his mind, I don't have a problem with it.
#Post#: 59--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Kittykat Date: September 13, 2017, 8:53 pm
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Ouch, poor Zeke. The bathbrush is just plain evil.
#Post#: 61--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: David M. Katz Date: September 13, 2017, 10:53 pm
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Despite this set back it seems to me that Zeke is making
excellent progress.
#Post#: 72--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: September 14, 2017, 5:12 am
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[quote author=David M. Katz link=topic=8.msg61#msg61
date=1505361196]
Despite this set back it seems to me that Zeke is making
excellent progress.
[/quote]
I don't consider this a set back, David.
Look at your own kids. Boys (I assume girls as well) NEED to
press the limits, try different things, rebel... and they need
to know there's someone there watching them and ready to help
when they stumble. At this point, Zeke is just experimenting,
trying different things, and flexing his independence a bit, and
I think that says a lot of good about where he is right now.
The hardest part with Zeke is reaching a balance between pushing
him and letting him slide to much, mixed with the fact that (to
a large extent) I have to let him set the pace and let me know
what he feels is appropriate.
#Post#: 1869--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zeke - 13 Sept 2017
By: Jack Date: December 1, 2017, 9:25 am
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I had a talk with Zeke last night.
Nothing specific brought this one up (like tardiness). I think
it was more because of a talk I had with James Worley yesterday
afternoon (which I'll detail elsewhere).
Let me start by saying there was no spanking last night.
Instead, I reminded Zeke about the last spanking he received,
which was about 2 1/2 months ago. I asked him why he was
spanked (he remembered it pretty well), and how he felt he was
doing about improving in those areas. We both agreed he's doing
okay, but definitely not great - maybe goodish.
To me, we needed to break everything down into two groups. Zeke
is not dumb, but his lack of early education comes back to haunt
him. He's barely making a C in history, and the rest of his
grades are around 80 - B/C - even in the area where I feel like
he should be making an A (English/Lit) (and really, his math
should be at least a high B). He says he's still having some
trouble adjusting, but he couldn't really identify any specific
problems. I don't want to punish him for grades, and I do have
a couple of ideas, but I'm going to make appointments to speak
with his teachers next week, which might lead to me and Zeke
having meetings with them, but maybe they can make some
suggestions about how he can work smarter. From there, he and I
will make a program with some goals for him to work towards.
Let me say that one problem I don't have with Zeke is his
attitude/behavior with others. I'm not saying he doesn't get
mad, but he's still learning how to control it. He blew up one
time at Paden and Curtis, but he came to me, admitted it, and
apologized to them (and they were in the wrong, and I would have
spanked them, except he already scared them, and I think they
learned a lesson). In general, he's polite and easy going, and
he gets himself some privacy when he needs to blow off steam.
To be honest, I'd feel better if he would blow up a little more
often.
{Oh, he was trying to clean the hamster cages, and Curtis and
Paden kept coming in, and when the cat came in with them, after
he'd told them to stay out, he threw a screaming fit at them.}
The other problem we're having is pretty much the same thing as
when I spanked him back in Sept - he's rather sloppy about
fulfilling his responsibilities.
He blamed that on me.
Zeke says that when he knows he has wiggle room, he's going to
use it, and he needs me to be stricter on him. His two big
examples are, if I tell him to be home at 9pm (last Monday), and
he comes in at 9:10, he should get in trouble. The other that I
need to be a lot stricter on chores.
Those are honestly the main two areas (besides chores) that I
notice. I want him to start being more help with the little
kids, but he really treats the younger boys like the Two Jakes
and Kenny, like they were his peers, so I don't think it would
be fair for me to ask him to help supervise them. Plus, Zeke
tends to be pretty submissive, so I'm not sure what he might
even be capable of.
At this point, our main takeaway is that he's basically on zero
tolerance for chores. That means he has to do them correctly,
without warnings or reminders. Technically he has to have them
done on time, but I'm leaving that one open, because stuff
happens. That way, if he just has a bunch of homework, or isn't
feeling good, or some family stuff is going on, I can excuse him
without a problem. I do have to sit down with him again, this
evening or maybe tomorrow, to work out consequences on that.
He also mentioned me holding him to being on time more firmly,
which I'm okay with. I honestly do that a fair amount with most
of the kids (using non CP consequences). It's just that Zeke is
pretty good about being on time, so don't push it much when
he's a few minutes late. I'll include that in the upcoming
talk, and get a feeling what he thinks we need to do.
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