DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Jack's House
HTML https://jackshouse.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: On Spanking
*****************************************************
#Post#: 13774--------------------------------------------------
Resentment during or after a spanking/paddling
By: guest50 Date: July 9, 2019, 6:59 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I'm curious about how people deal with resentment for being
punished. I know that I personally resented being spanked, for a
few reasons and even now I'm still dealing with that. What are
other people's experiences with this?
#Post#: 13792--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resentment during or after a spanking/paddling
By: Jack Date: July 10, 2019, 5:44 am
---------------------------------------------------------
For me, I was very resentful of my spankings, but also of other
punishments. I think I recovered from the spankings themselves
in a fairly quick manner. The problem in my old home was not
the spanking, but why and how it was given.
Most of our members have already heard these stories, but I was
once whipped because I did what my mom told me to, but '(I)
should have known what (she) meant.' To show it wasn't just
spanking, in sixth grade, I brought home a 'C' on my six weeks
progress report. It was the lowest grade I'd ever received, and
it was the only low mark on that report, but I was still
grounded for an entire six weeks 'until (I) could bring it up.'
No attempt was made to find out why I'd had the low mark of
if/what kind of help I needed. Despite being only 11 or 12
years old, I was expected to solve my own problem.
My second step-father worked in a bar for years, usually
sleeping until noon or a bit later. He married Mom when I was
9, so there were 2 or 3 years when I wasn't considered old
enough to leave without permission, so, on holidays and
vacations, I was just stuck in the house until he got moving -
often with a younger sister with whom I did NOT get along. Yet,
if something happened to get us noisy and he was awoken, I got
whipped.
THAT is why I'm resentful. My dad was too strict and sometimes
too harsh, but he had rules you were expected to obey, and you
knew what they were and what would happen if you didn't. With
my mom and her husband, it was almost random. It took me a long
time to realize that I was rarely spanked because of misbehavior
they thought needed correcting. I was often punished for either
making them made or embarrassing them.
[center]**************************************[/center]
With my kids, there is sometimes... I generally think of it as a
recovery period. I think we all know there are negative
emotions with a punishment - even one that is known and admitted
to be deserved. There's upset at the pain, embarrassment at the
behavior, anger at the disciplinarian for not letting it go.
People react differently.
In general, my kids know I'm pretty touchy-feelie about things,
and most of them accept a hug and a bit of cuddling (what Adric
called after care) when the spanking is done. I do this because
I think people need support while they're dealing with negative
emotions, and a little close contact is a great way to show that
quietly. On the other hand, some of my kids - Noah and Mikell
are the strongest examples to jump to mind - need to be alone
for a bit for various reasons.
As to dealing with the resentment of it - there's really no way.
If it was deserved, then you just have to understand that the
person doing it felt it was best for the situation and everyone
involved, and accept that, even if you don't disagree with it.
If it was undeserved (or too harsh or whatever), then all you
can really do is put it aside. Like any forgiveness, that's not
for the person you're forgiving, but it's so you aren't eaten up
with the negative emotions. That's not easy, and I still resent
my mom for the way I was treated growing up (and even as an
adult), but I don't want that spoiling my relationship with my
kids, or eating up all my energy and attention, so i try not to
dwell on it.
#Post#: 13794--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resentment during or after a spanking/paddling
By: memoryman Date: July 10, 2019, 7:23 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I had a very secure childhood and knew beyond any doubt how
deeply I was loved. My parents were by no means wealthy but
they encouraged me and supported me (probably making unknown
sacrifices themselves) in whatever I wanted to do.
With this background I always wanted them to be proud of me.
Sadly from the point of view of my bottom they were also
strongly principled and set high standards of behaviour both for
themselves and for me and they were pretty strict about
enforcing them.
Consequently whenever I fell sufficiently short of their
standards for my pants to start heading south my overwhelming
feeling (apart from the inevitable sting) was not of resentment
but of guilt and anger with myself for being such a
disappointment to them
I believe that the (not very many) hidings Dad gave me were
delivered as much from a sense of duty as from anger but they
were salutary in that they certainly hurt.
Perhaps I may even even have come to believe the trite phrase
"doing this for your own good?" :)
#Post#: 13796--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resentment during or after a spanking/paddling
By: Adric Date: July 10, 2019, 10:44 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=memoryman link=topic=1367.msg13794#msg13794
date=1562761382]
I had a very secure childhood and knew beyond any doubt how
deeply I was loved. My parents were by no means wealthy but
they encouraged me and supported me (probably making unknown
sacrifices themselves) in whatever I wanted to do.[/quote]
I did too. I always felt secure in my parent's love, although
there were times when I probably wasn't very likeable. It is
difficult when talking about this subject to avoid giving a
distorted impression of one's father. We were a happy family
and our confrontations were few and far between.
#Post#: 24431--------------------------------------------------
Resentment from *Spanker* POV?
By: HumbledBareBoy Date: April 11, 2022, 12:36 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
For those who don't already know, the sudden "resurrection"
ancient threads by HBB is nothing more, but also nothing less,
than an eternal and unchanging aspect of the universe's natural,
cosmic Order! :P
When I first saw this thread's title, I was indeed very
interested, but I was actually imagining the topic from
precisely the mirror-opposite perspective! In other words, I
was thinking in terms of...
[list]
[li]The spanker's own thoughts, feelings, and reactions...[/li]
[li]...to the overt or subtle expression, evidence, or general
awareness at all -- of the recent spankee's lingering
resentment, either real or imagined![/li]
[/list]
And perhaps more crucially what the spanker might be inclined to
say or do, in response to such! I could imagine a spanker's
reaction taking either of at least two possible, although
diametrically-opposed, possible forms...
[list type=decimal]
[li]Tolerant and understanding: "Ok, I just spanked the boy, so
he's perfectly well entitled to be standoffish, and even to
'hate my guts,' for a while..."[/li]
[li]Intolerant of even the very sentiment-- thinking like,
"Listen here, boy, I'm the one in charge here, and you jolly
well deserved every bit of that spanking, so you had better "get
with the program" -- or else! If you're even 0.01% less than
complete smiles and friendlines, by the time I finish counting
to 10, then you're gonna be getting it again![/li]
[/list]
Allowing, of course, for "shades of grey" in between, along a
spectrum...
#Post#: 24432--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resentment from *Spanker* POV?
By: Kat Date: April 11, 2022, 1:35 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=HumbledBareBoy link=topic=1367.msg24431#msg24431
date=1649698598]
And perhaps more crucially what the spanker might be inclined to
say or do, in response to such! I could imagine a spanker's
reaction taking either of at least two possible, although
diametrically-opposed, possible forms...
[list type=decimal]
[li]Tolerant and understanding: "Ok, I just spanked the boy, so
he's perfectly well entitled to be standoffish, and even to
'hate my guts,' for a while..."[/li]
[li]Intolerant of even the very sentiment-- thinking like,
"Listen here, boy, I'm the one in charge here, and you jolly
well deserved every bit of that spanking, so you had better "get
with the program" -- or else! If you're even 0.01% less than
complete smiles and friendlines, by the time I finish counting
to 10, then you're gonna be getting it again![/li]
[/list]
Allowing, of course, for "shades of grey" in between, along a
spectrum...
[/quote]
I doubt many parents who are old-fashioned enough to spank kids
would fail to address blatant disrespect after punishment, such
as cursing. On the other hand, most parents I've known were
willing to allow a kid his feelings. In fact, the parents were
often still angry themselves, so they may not have even noticed
or cared the kid was angry and upset. In any case, a kid could
act sullen for a while without repercussion. I've heard kids say
they hate the parent who just spanked them, and the parent
didn't react.
I find insistence on cheerful acceptance appalling
authoritarianism. The Ripping Yarns "In..." series has parents
like that. It's a beloved series at MMSA for good reasons: high
quality writing and WHASS ethos. Nevertheless, I know that if
I'd grown up in that family, I'd have either run away or killed
myself. It's unnatural and unreasonable to force kids to
suppress every bit of negative emotion or endure more
punishment. While the series is fiction, I've read enough about
some "Christian" parenting to know this parental attitude exists
in real life situations. I can only guess this sort of parenting
either crushes a child's spirit altogether or builds up a store
of anger that must at some point explode.
Kat
#Post#: 24436--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resentment during or after a spanking/paddling
By: Jack Date: April 11, 2022, 5:12 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
My mom, and especially her third husband, were pretty bad about
that. They literally told me, after a spanking/whipping, that
'if (I didn't) quiet down, they'd give me something to cry
about.' I wasn't punished for saying 'I hate you', but I was
chewed out and threatened about it.
Part of my problem is that they were always so huge on saying
'please' and apologizing, but I'd apologize for what I'd done
wrong, and I'd ask them please not to spank me, but they'd do it
anyway, which just left me confused and angry on top of
everything else. Then, they were yellers as well. I try to
avoid those problems by not punishing randomly, not screaming,
and not making it clear why please and sorry only work in some
cases, but never solve everything. Even then, I don't expect
the kids to be happy little angels immediately after. As Kat
said - they're humans; they deserve to have their feelings.
#Post#: 24445--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resentment during or after a spanking/paddling
By: Kat Date: April 12, 2022, 12:20 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Jack link=topic=1367.msg24436#msg24436
date=1649715144]
My mom, and especially her third husband, were pretty bad about
that. They literally told me, after a spanking/whipping, that
'if (I didn't) quiet down, they'd give me something to cry
about.' I wasn't punished for saying 'I hate you', but I was
chewed out and threatened about it.
Part of my problem is that they were always so huge on saying
'please' and apologizing, but I'd apologize for what I'd done
wrong, and I'd ask them please not to spank me, but they'd do it
anyway, which just left me confused and angry on top of
everything else. Then, they were yellers as well. I try to
avoid those problems by not punishing randomly, not screaming,
and not making it clear why please and sorry only work in some
cases, but never solve everything. Even then, I don't expect
the kids to be happy little angels immediately after. As Kat
said - they're humans; they deserve to have their feelings.
[/quote]
Jack, your experiences as a child illustrate something a lot of
people refuse to recognize: spanking children does not equate to
good discipline. Whether parents spank or use other methods of
punishment and reinforcement says nothing about whether they're
good disciplinarians. Most parents, regardless of what they do,
are too inconsistent and arbitrary. Their "discipline" often
does more harm than good. You were left confused and angry, and
no wonder.
Parents who are good disciplinarians provide clear
communication. Their kids know what the parents expect. Their
kids know their boundaries. Their kids know what will happen if
they fail to meet expectations or violate boundaries.
Even though my own parents were generally pretty good, I still
remember resentment for punishment when I didn't realize I'd
done something wrong. I had the same resentment at school.
Punishment shouldn't come as a surprise. If the kid didn't
understand he did something wrong, what's the point of punishing
him?
I've also long noticed how many parents impose hypocritical
standards for their children. Don't lie in front of your kids or
engage in other forms of dishonesty and then expect your kids to
be honest because you say so. Don't treat them with rudeness or
disrespect them and expect them to be polite and respectful to
you. The best such parents can hope for is coerced conformity.
They'll never instill any actual values in their children.
Kat
#Post#: 24450--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resentment during or after a spanking/paddling
By: Jack Date: April 12, 2022, 9:47 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Kat link=topic=1367.msg24445#msg24445
date=1649784042]
I've also long noticed how many parents impose hypocritical
standards for their children. Don't lie in front of your kids or
engage in other forms of dishonesty and then expect your kids to
be honest because you say so. Don't treat them with rudeness or
disrespect them and expect them to be polite and respectful to
you. The best such parents can hope for is coerced conformity.
They'll never instill any actual values in their children.
[/quote]
Definitely true. I have seen over and over again where parents
behave like this, or simply show their child zero consideration,
and then are shocked when their children don't know how to
behave. Another thing I've seen (more on social media than in
RL) is parents who don't enforce behavior standards on their
kids, then, when the kids don't know how to behave, the parents
come down on them like a ton of bricks.
Comedians often joked about being told 'not to spank a child in
anger'. "When am I supposed to spank them - when they just got
straight As?" However, the truth is, it's not just spanking.
Yelling and screaming at a kid, belittling them, punishing them
with no warning or out of proportion for what they did doesn't
teach a lesson - it just makes the kid angry and scared of you.
#Post#: 24451--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resentment from *Spanker* POV?
By: HumbledBareBoy Date: April 12, 2022, 11:17 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Kat link=topic=1367.msg24432#msg24432
date=1649702141]I find insistence on cheerful acceptance
appalling authoritarianism. The Ripping Yarns "In..." series has
parents like that. It's a beloved series at MMSA for good
reasons: high quality writing and WHASS ethos. Nevertheless, I
know that if I'd grown up in that family, I'd have either run
away or killed myself. It's unnatural and unreasonable to force
kids to suppress every bit of negative emotion or endure more
punishment. While the series is fiction...[/quote]
Ahhh, it's interesting you should bring up that series!
[emoji362] Indeed, although one of the older works in the
archive, it is nonetheless known to me -- because of its
popularity and reputation, as well as the "Flag" connection. On
one hand, I have been genuinely interested in checking it out
and taking a closer look, on account of that "beloved" status,
but on the other hand, I have been hesitant to actually do so
precisely because of that "insistence on cheerful acceptance"
component. >:( Which I first read about in an older thread in
the MMSA forums, and which you just recently brought up here,
too!
Ironic, though, isn't it? :o That a reader/writer with my
obvious penchant for the extreme (e.g. the recent "Jonathan"
story) would have "second thoughts" about reading a WHASS series
-- all because the general theme of "forcing kids to suppress
every bit of negative emotion" is actually the part that gives
me pause? ??? Ehhh, go figure....
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page