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#Post#: 56--------------------------------------------------
“Just” Talking Together by td jakes
By: Intervention Date: July 27, 2015, 4:28 pm
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there may always seem to be something to talk about together.
And there is. But sadly, many couples lose the art of conversing
with each other —talking AND listening to what each partner
feels about different matters.
The dynamics of marriage often leads the way into settling us in
together into a life of familiarity, which can tempt us to
become lazy as far as investing the time into growing our
friendship. Another aspect of marriage can stir us up with SO
much busyness (especially if you have children), that it’s not
unusual to find ourselves in a place where we just don’t talk
together, as we should. Either way, we’re put into a place where
there is a real “need to communicate more.”
I heard someone once say that communication is the lifeblood of
marriage. And I believe that to be true. We need to actively
talk to each other in our marriage, to grow our relationship.
Now, in this blog I’m not talking here about having a type of
“reporting” conversation, where you “report” what this child has
done or how that event went, or something that happened at work
—the regurgitation of facts. Yes, we need to engage in those
kinds of talks too, but that’s not what I’m referring to here.
And I’m not referring to your talking AT each other either. That
happens too. I’ve seen this go on with different couples —my dad
and stepmom in the past, to my amazement, got into that grove of
“talking.” So many words were said, and yet no there was often
no connection.
I remember feeling one time like I was stuck in some type of a
warped chatter box with them that I couldn’t escape (because
Steve and I were in the backseat of their car on a LONG trip).
They both would mouth words out loud that seemed to be important
to themselves personally, and yet even though they were sitting
side-by-side, they definitely weren’t listening to each other.
That was obvious by the bizarre way their “talking” was going. I
honestly don’t think they cared to hear each other… they just
talked to themselves out loud AS IF they were talking to the
other. It had the appearance of a conversation, but it wasn’t.
I’m talking here of conversing with each other —having a
“normal” conversation together. The Merriam-webster dictionary
defines “conversation” as an “oral exchange of sentiments,
observations, opinions, or ideas …an informal discussion of an
issue.” When you talk AT each other, there isn’t an “exchange”
of opinions and ideas going on (as I described with my dad and
stepmom). There is just blabbing, with no heart-felt connection.
And if that meets a need, that’s fine. But please don’t allow it
to be all you have going on together whenever you open your
mouths —either “reporting” to each other, or getting into
contention, and/or talking AT each other. Make sure you include
time to have a “regular” conversation —where you connect in a
positive, healthy, relationship growing way.
Having a regular conversation together, is where you exchange
ideas, involving each of you talking and LISTENING to what the
other is saying, so you better know and (sometimes) better
understand each other.
I LOVE talking with my husband Steve. There isn’t any other
human being I’d much rather talk with, than him. It hasn’t
always been this way when we went through several dysfunctional
seasons of fighting and opposing each other. But eventually, we
each woke up and applied ourselves to working on our issues, and
grew our friendship into a beautifully strong one (that we
continue to apply ourselves to grow). I enjoy talking with my
gal friends, and need them to talk about some things that would
bore Steve or he just wouldn’t understand, as the man he is. But
for the most part, he’s the one I most enjoy conversing with.
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