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#Post#: 3286--------------------------------------------------
Resources stuff
By: animaniactoo Date: August 19, 2021, 5:21 pm
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This article has been hanging out in a browser/window tab for me
to finish reading whenever I have time (you can all stop
laughing now), and it's something I thought would be useful
here, along with whatever else we might want to toss in here.
HTML https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
#Post#: 8767--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resources stuff
By: CaviaPorcellus Date: August 29, 2021, 7:00 pm
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Oh hey, I posted that on WaPo awhile ago and it got nuked! Glad
to see it posted somewhere where it will [i]stay up.
#Post#: 8771--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resources stuff
By: animaniactoo Date: August 29, 2021, 7:02 pm
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[quote author=CaviaPorcellus link=topic=93.msg8767#msg8767
date=1630281600]
Oh hey, I posted that on WaPo awhile ago and it got nuked! Glad
to see it posted somewhere where it will [i]stay up.
[/quote]
Probably where I got it from. Pre-nuking of course. :)
#Post#: 8921--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resources stuff
By: Queenie Date: August 30, 2021, 10:27 am
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This hurts me to read. A lot. On the one hand, I left home
very young. At the time I thought it was because I was in love,
but in retrospect it had much, much more to do with the high
level of dysfunction in the house. Turns out me and my
rebellion were a cliche right out of a Psych 101 textbook. I
didn't speak to my mom for five years, or to my dad for more
like 25 years. Neither one of them is particularly interested
in rehashing why, at least partly because it would be so painful
for all of us and really, what would it accomplish? That's in
the past. The only direction available to us is forward.
OTOH I am now the mom of young adults, and we have had our
struggles. I see much more clearly now how difficult it can be
to avoid big parenting mistakes, and I am now rather more
forgiving of my parents and their blunders. My parents may have
been less than ideal, but they actually did better than their
parents did, especially in the context of the times.
My suggestion to any parent experiencing estrangement:
apologize. Just apologize. Apologize for failing your kid,
because I bet every parent on earth has failed their kid in some
way, and we don't get to decide how failed the kid gets to feel.
I will say as a parent that there are things my kids and I
evidently experienced very very differently. I can disagree
with how my kid remembers an event even while respecting his
version of it. Am I just being defensive? Maybe. But again,
there's no direction available but forward. I can apologize for
hurting them, ask how I can make amends, and promise to do
better going forward. That's all I got.
I love my kids so much. Sometimes I fear that they experienced
my willingness to stay estranged from my dad as an example that
they might be willing to follow.
Finally: parenting is a thankless task. It's inherent in the
job. Accepting this can be helpful, I find.
#Post#: 52268--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resources stuff
By: animaniactoo Date: December 15, 2021, 1:11 pm
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Thetis posted this on the daily thread today and it's relevant
to a lot of stuff, not just parenting and families but I didn't
want to make another section just for that, so posting it here:
HTML https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2021/04/25/987208356/comic-how-i-cope-with-pandemic-numbness
#Post#: 52278--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resources stuff
By: LabPartner Date: December 15, 2021, 1:42 pm
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[quote author=Queenie link=topic=93.msg8921#msg8921
date=1630337267]
This hurts me to read. A lot. On the one hand, I left home
very young. At the time I thought it was because I was in love,
but in retrospect it had much, much more to do with the high
level of dysfunction in the house. Turns out me and my
rebellion were a cliche right out of a Psych 101 textbook. I
didn't speak to my mom for five years, or to my dad for more
like 25 years. Neither one of them is particularly interested
in rehashing why, at least partly because it would be so painful
for all of us and really, what would it accomplish? That's in
the past. The only direction available to us is forward.
OTOH I am now the mom of young adults, and we have had our
struggles. I see much more clearly now how difficult it can be
to avoid big parenting mistakes, and I am now rather more
forgiving of my parents and their blunders. My parents may have
been less than ideal, but they actually did better than their
parents did, especially in the context of the times.
My suggestion to any parent experiencing estrangement:
apologize. Just apologize. Apologize for failing your kid,
because I bet every parent on earth has failed their kid in some
way, and we don't get to decide how failed the kid gets to feel.
I will say as a parent that there are things my kids and I
evidently experienced very very differently. I can disagree
with how my kid remembers an event even while respecting his
version of it. Am I just being defensive? Maybe. But again,
there's no direction available but forward. I can apologize for
hurting them, ask how I can make amends, and promise to do
better going forward. That's all I got.
I love my kids so much. Sometimes I fear that they experienced
my willingness to stay estranged from my dad as an example that
they might be willing to follow.
Finally: parenting is a thankless task. It's inherent in the
job. Accepting this can be helpful, I find.
[/quote]
I don't even think of it as disagreeing. We're all standing in
our own spots and all seeing through our own eyes. The goalie
and the guy with the breakaway describe the even very
differently, and either way, it's a goal or not. I spent a lot
of time talking with siblings about a foundational event in our
family's life --- my grandfather's death and funeral. We all
experienced it quite differently, but there were enough common
points to be aware that we were all remembering the same event.
#Post#: 91823--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resources stuff
By: animaniactoo Date: April 25, 2022, 5:24 pm
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I put this to the side a few weeks back and think that's useful
for defining and being able to understand how unsettling this
can be.
HTML https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2022/04/15/gaslighting-definition-relationship-abuse-response/
#Post#: 118961--------------------------------------------------
Re: Resources stuff
By: animaniactoo Date: August 18, 2022, 7:22 am
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I found this article that was posted by - I think Crickey? -
matches my understanding of social constructs about the
differences between genders and how that creates dynamics that
are self-defeating.
HTML https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2022/08/02/masculinity-men-emotions/
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