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#Post#: 52493--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offensive words - and which ones are TOO offensive
DIR By: Queenie
Date: December 16, 2021, 8:50 am
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--- Quote from: ManyHats link ---
>
>
> Riffing on name calling: I hate the term "trophy wife". . . To
me, it's the same as calling someone a prostitute or any of the
other gazillion pejoratives people call female sex workers.
>
--- End Quote ---
Heartily disagree, and actually I find this statement wildly
offensive.
#Post#: 52593--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offensive words - and which ones are TOO offensive
DIR By: ManyHats
Date: December 16, 2021, 11:58 am
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--- Quote from: Queenie link ---
>
> [quote author=ManyHats link=topic=609.msg52470#msg52470
date=1639660069]
>
> Riffing on name calling: I hate the term "trophy wife". . . To
me, it's the same as calling someone a prostitute or any of the
other gazillion pejoratives people call female sex workers.
>
--- End Quote ---
Heartily disagree, and actually I find this statement wildly
offensive.
[/quote]
To clarify: I wasn't hating on sex workers, or at least, that
wasn't my intention. I'm not a fan of slut-shaming in any form,
and I find "TW" a form of slut-shaming. YMMV.
#Post#: 52608--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offensive words - and which ones are TOO offensive
DIR By: Queenie
Date: December 16, 2021, 12:16 pm
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My issue is the assignment of any sort of slut label to a woman
who is basically considered too good for the guy because,
beautiful. It's incredibly offensive. Why would you even think
that? Why would anyone?
#Post#: 52613--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offensive words - and which ones are TOO offensive
DIR By: ManyHats
Date: December 16, 2021, 12:20 pm
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--- Quote from: Queenie link ---
>
> My issue is the assignment of any sort of slut label to a
woman who is basically considered too good for the guy because,
beautiful. It's incredibly offensive. Why would you even think
that? Why would anyone?
>
--- End Quote ---
Agree 100% - that's awful - and in DH's case, completely
ridiculous (yes, I'm very biased.) It's the flip side of
assuming a woman who is younger than her partner and, at least
by some standard(s), "beautiful" has nothing to offer but her
looks. I find both lines of thinking repulsive.
#Post#: 56210--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offensive words - and which ones are TOO offensive
DIR By: guest114
Date: December 28, 2021, 2:01 am
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--- Quote from: animaniactoo link ---
>
>
> But - when my husband or sisters call me a bitch in relative
fondness that doesn't bother me at all, and likely, I HAVE just
been a bitch.
>
> But I don't have a similar evaluation in my head for what it
means to be a c---, and if one of them called me that, we'd be
at war.
>
--- End Quote ---
Let's focus on online, not family? Nobody automatically wants
to be called a special sugarbunny online just because that's OK
inside their family.
My family normal is NOT cursing on my mom's side. My dad was a
bit freer with it, but not around me and I refused to teach him
how to sign curse words better. (I endured too many episodes of
him signing "fuck" incorrectly because it beat... actually
teaching my dad how to use a word I didn't want to see him use
anyway.) Yes, I'm sure it comes across funny to people who
routinely curse. I frankly only curse occasionally with friends
and not AT them.
The last 5 years has changed me, as I told my sister, I now
curse like Samuel L. Jackson whenever I read about the previous
administration. My sister couldn't imagine it. I said, think of
his favorite curse word. Mo Fo. Straight to the screen.
I'm not knocking people who grew up with cursing as the norm.
Playing the dirty dozens has a cultural reason... it's not just
"only I/in my culture can use that word"-- it's more "we need to
condition ourselves not to be upset by being called that by
using it on ourselves in play... and still, it's gonna hurt in
RL from somebody who means it." I get that. I also think
insisting on a safe space from that is also OK.
Harder is the patronizing "bless your heart" talk which I grew
up getting far more often.
Another thing my family didn't do was gang up on others, no
matter how well-intentioned it was. Let people talk without
jumping in and making it about you. If you don't like the
behavior, you say it clearly, but you DO not turn a quarrel into
a brawl by inserting yourself. Trust the other people to
resolve it. My mom enforced this rule in "The Family Essay
Day."
As she put it, we were all fighting one day.
One would fight with another, others got involved and so on and
it was a big family and my mom had enough. She was schooled by
nuns. She had us all sit down and write about ourselves, what it
meant to us to be in this family, create a motto, family crest.
After that we learned to let people argue without jumping in all
over and worsening the situation.
We are all close today and affectionate because we don't take
sides in others' quarrels. Ever. (Logistically, the number of
possible alliances goes up exponentially in a big family.) I
grew up with blunt and short-lived disputes. Because we stop and
we do not have to fear a third party putting their big mouth in
and stirring the pot even more.
Such restraint is not seen online and as such, flame wars occur
when people violate this kind of rule, with seriously hurt
feelings. And taking sides is not a good idea because it does
not allow things to resolve. I try to stop myself at 2
exchanges when I see it is degenerating, but it is not easy for
me to remember such restraint.
I think taking sides, even slightly, is a greater issue than a
chance curse word. I also would caution against using questions
in a veiled attack mode, as well.
That's also unproductive and in Minnesota it indicates somebody
is calling somebody out for not conforming enough to social
norms or what people expect others to be doing. (Bless your
heart, freak, what are you doing?) Another one is "I never saw
anyone do that before" or similar, and not in an entirely nice
way.
BTW, I had to learn this "questions are attacking" point
directly from a teacher out here who said please don't ask
questions like that, it comes across as an attack. He was
correct. The student didn't mind and rethought what her writing
sounded like. In context he was right. I was angry. She had
inserted a gratitious anti-Catholic joke in her writing. My
question was: "Are you catholic?" (She wasn't. I was raised
one.) I thought it was probably the politest response I could
make. But it was still an attacking tone, in context. He
redflagged it because it is hurtful for many to be asked
questions in that tone. I was still pissed at him anyway.
Because anti-Catholicism was a problem I had already had to deal
with. I'm here to learn writing, not deal with bigotry.
For some maybe they would prefer being cursed at than being
asked questions hurtfully. Totally possible, I can see that.
Could I have rephrased it if I weren't so emotional? Probably.
Would it have translated the way I meant it? I have no idea.
It's a constant hassle to phrase things correctly for
translation. It calls for patience and often wordiness.
I would prefer to be told, "I don't like __." It's very easy to
understand and doesn't poison further communication. ASL is
direct, not rude. It's a difference.
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