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#Post#: 399135--------------------------------------------------
Caregiving
DIR By: nsw11
Date: July 11, 2026, 7:51 pm
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I'm posting this here because I need to say it but discussing it
just makes it harder. So don't be surprised if I don't respond
to any replies. My husband has developed COPD, which seems to be
progressing rapidly. I doubt he will live a year. I hope he
makes it to vote this year because he really wants to. He's had
two ICU stays since last October, is now on oxygen and his
oxygen saturation still drops for no identifiable reason. He
also has episodes of delirium that seem to becoming more
frequent. He wants to die at home. I want to support that but
God it's hard. Every incident requires a decision about whether
to call his primary care doctor or call 911. If he's coherent,
then he decides if he wants to stay home or go to the hospital,
but as he becomes less coherent and more scared, he can change
his mind a half a dozen times. He has do not ventilate and do
not resuscitate orders, so the treatment options are limited.
Each time, I try to figure out if he understands what he's
saying he wants and stress about getting it right (not because
he'll blame me if I get it wrong, but I don't want to make it
harder for him than it already is). Dying at home sounds easier
than it is.
#Post#: 399136--------------------------------------------------
Re: Caregiving
DIR By: farmgirl
Date: July 11, 2026, 8:20 pm
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My heart goes out to you, nsw11.
In my early retirement I worked for a caregiving agency doing
awake overnight shifts for people who needed someone there 24/7.
Most had dementia, some were in hospice, some in their homes or
senior apartments and some in memory care. Sometimes they were
recovering from surgery and also had advanced dementia.
Being alone with someone all night under these conditions is
hard, even when they're not your loved one. I understand how
hard it is to know whether to call 911, whether to try to sooth
the person, whether it's better to wait until morning when their
doctor's office is open. It's really hard to make that decision.
The ER is stressful in itself to someone who is already under
stress, particularly if they have dementia.
The nights are very long and emotionally difficult and I wish
there was something we could do for you and for your husband.
Just know that we will hold you both in our hearts.
#Post#: 399137--------------------------------------------------
Re: Caregiving
DIR By: MidwestmikkiJ
Date: July 11, 2026, 8:33 pm
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nsw11. I’m so sorry to hear this and will keep you both in my
thoughts. I can only imagine the struggle each day and the
difficulty of knowing what is the right decision in the moment.
I am sure though that whatever you do you do out of care,
concern, and love.
#Post#: 399138--------------------------------------------------
Re: Caregiving
DIR By: C__Sprite
Date: July 11, 2026, 8:35 pm
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So sorry that you and your husband have to experience these hard
times. Both of my parents had COPD and it was a rough ride for
all of us. There are so many moments where you struggle to
help while they struggle to live.
Please know that you are doing the best you can, in a very
difficult situation. Be easy on yourself.
#Post#: 399181--------------------------------------------------
Re: Caregiving
DIR By: muskrat
Date: July 12, 2026, 9:49 am
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dear nsw, i’m so very sorry to hear this. i know how hard it is
to find even just a small moment of peace when our loved ones
are struggling and in pain. i’m sending you and your husband
much love and grace. even when you’re not here on line, pls know
that we’re with you always.
#Post#: 399201--------------------------------------------------
Re: Caregiving
DIR By: offtopicalways
Date: July 12, 2026, 10:49 am
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So sorry to hear this, nsw, and you're in my thoughts.
#Post#: 399202--------------------------------------------------
Re: Caregiving
DIR By: Aardtacha
Date: July 12, 2026, 10:49 am
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[member=81]nsw11[/member]: This is so hard. I'm sorry that you
and your husband are going through this.
All I can offer is unlimited mojo for peace through this process
and sympathy.
#Post#: 399244--------------------------------------------------
Re: Caregiving
DIR By: animaniactoo
Date: July 12, 2026, 2:24 pm
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I'm so sorry. It's hard. We're here when you want to talk even
if you don't want answers or advice and just want a place to say
what's going on for you.
<hugs>
#Post#: 399246--------------------------------------------------
Re: Caregiving
DIR By: GingerJ1
Date: July 12, 2026, 2:49 pm
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[member=81]nsw11[/member]
{{{hugs}}} I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sure the stress of
caregiving is just the awful cherry on top of the hell of
watching him suffer, along with anticipatory grief.
I have a couple of practical thoughts that I hope will be
helpful:
-Will he give you medical power of attorney, so you can make
sure his wishes are followed if he's unable to decide for
himself? You'd of course want to go over all the circumstances
you can think of together, which may help to get his buy-in.
-Will he agree to hospice care? That does not at all mean you
think he's about to die, just that he has a likely terminal
illness--remember that Jimmy Carter was under hospice care for
well over a year, maybe two.
They have resources for in-home care that may be a huge help and
unavailable elsewhere, and their focus is on palliative care,
making sure he's comfortable above all else.
Mom was in hospice for her last few days (not at home, because
she was too far gone) and they were wonderful.
My dad's wife just lost her daughter (her third and last child
to die) to ovarian cancer, and she'd been in hospice care in her
home for a couple of months.
All this to say, hospices are wonderful, no-cost operations with
the nicest, most understanding caregivers you'll ever meet.
Finally: Since he's anxious to get to vote, please investigate
vote-by-mail options. Ballots arrive very early in many
places--I just received my VBM ballot Friday, for an August 18
primary.
HTML https://media0.giphy.com/media/EvYHHSntaIl5m/200.gif
#Post#: 399250--------------------------------------------------
Re: Caregiving
DIR By: nsw11
Date: July 12, 2026, 2:59 pm
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Thanks to everyone for the kind thoughts.
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