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#Post#: 18929--------------------------------------------------
Don't visit, do visit, but you're not welcome to stay here, don'
t visit! Gotta vent...
By: ManyHats Date: September 21, 2021, 5:28 pm
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Some of you may remember my WaPo posts about my family situation
- verbally and emotionally abusive mom, dad who has a lot of
good qualities but enables her, and sister who used to enable
both of them until she got therapy. Over the summer, my sister
texted and called me multiple times about how bad things are and
said "don't visit, you don't need that." Then she said she
feared for her marriage because of the constant drama and the
amount of work she and BIL are doing for our parents. When she
said she thought a visit would be a good idea, we made airline
reservations despite Delta concerns about flying (both the
airline and Covid, haha.)
Back in 2019, I spent a week with our mom while sis took dad out
of state for surgery. DH was told not to come along because "it
would make mom's behavior even worse." The whole week, mom was
so nasty I felt the need to constantly sneak away to text, call,
or message DH and other friends because I feared I was losing my
sanity. Sister told me that she felt bad and the next time I
visited, with or without DH, I/we could stay with her and BIL.
After we got our plane tix for this fall, my sister texted me to
discuss details and I mentioned staying at her place, to which
she replied that we needed to stay at our parents' house because
"it will mean so much to dad." I reminded her how 2019 went down
and she intensified her guilt trip, then said she won't speak to
me unless I do what she wants. We haven't spoken in about a
month, during which time our parents have told us they don't
want us to visit because Covid is off the charts where they
live. DH and I canceled the trip (he'd found a B&B, no deposit,
and we can use the plane tix later.) We hope it's at least
somewhat safe to visit next year.
Is it me or is it carpy to tell someone they can stay with you
and renege unless they've given offense in some way?
#Post#: 18934--------------------------------------------------
Re: Don't visit, do visit, but you're not welcome to stay here,
don't visit! Gotta vent...
By: northbayteky Date: September 21, 2021, 5:47 pm
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[quote author=ManyHats link=topic=332.msg18929#msg18929
date=1632263286]...
Is it me or is it carpy to tell someone they can stay with you
and renege unless they've given offense in some way?
[/quote]
Not just you. This is a pretty crappy way to treat anyone.
#Post#: 18968--------------------------------------------------
Re: Don't visit, do visit, but you're not welcome to stay here,
don't visit! Gotta vent...
By: animaniactoo Date: September 21, 2021, 6:53 pm
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It is not just you... and sounds like Sis may be developing or
resurrecting a few of mom's tendencies?
It will mean so much to dad doesn't mean squat when you are
losing your shit and can't keep it together. You can't hurt you
to make him happy.
Or... potentially she's fallen down a rabbit hole over the past
2 years of dealing with them and has gotten to a point of bad
coping strategies/thoughts, and needs to check in with her
therapist?
#Post#: 18971--------------------------------------------------
Re: Don't visit, do visit, but you're not welcome to stay here,
don't visit! Gotta vent...
By: NoLongerAubergine Date: September 21, 2021, 6:58 pm
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[member=212]ManyHats[/member]
"...then said she won't speak to me unless I do what she wants."
It's definitely not you.
Leave sis out of any plans you make whether this year or next,
imo. (And yes to the B&B. It doesn't sound like staying with
either family is a good idea.)
#Post#: 19021--------------------------------------------------
Re: Don't visit, do visit, but you're not welcome to stay here,
don't visit! Gotta vent...
By: DavidSPumpkins Date: September 21, 2021, 8:02 pm
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I've been through something similar enough to this. Including
doing everything in my power to avoid staying with my mother and
her husband, and including a sister who baits and switches.
Trust your gut and don't let anyone gaslight you otherwise.
Every time I succumbed to this kind of pressure it was a
mistake. That story about the scorpion crossing the river...
#Post#: 19096--------------------------------------------------
Re: Don't visit, do visit, but you're not welcome to stay here,
don't visit! Gotta vent...
By: iamnotarobot Date: September 22, 2021, 6:08 am
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I don't think sister is as over her enabling as she seems to
think.
It's crappy and I'm very sorry for the whole situation.
#Post#: 19097--------------------------------------------------
Re: Don't visit, do visit, but you're not welcome to stay here,
don't visit! Gotta vent...
By: ManyHats Date: September 22, 2021, 6:27 am
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Thanks, all. We're definitely sticking with the B&B plan when we
do visit - it's a cool old mansion and will give us our own
space, both physical and emotional. We never stayed with DH's
parents when they were alive and it was NBD, but I'm sure there
will be ruffled feathers in my family, at least the first time.
I definitely feel like my sister is back to enabling and
gaslighting and I'm sad that the situation is wearing her and
BIL out, but they're adults and chose to uproot their lives and
careers. Both they and and my parents are well enough off that
professionals could be hired to do all the stuff sis and BIL are
taking care of, but pros wouldn't put up with our mom's
attitude.
#Post#: 19165--------------------------------------------------
Re: Don't visit, do visit, but you're not welcome to stay here,
don't visit! Gotta vent...
By: Queenie Date: September 22, 2021, 10:07 am
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I have nothing useful to say, but the entire sitch sounds
incredibly stressful and I'm sorry.
#Post#: 19175--------------------------------------------------
Re: Don't visit, do visit, but you're not welcome to stay here,
don't visit! Gotta vent...
By: Heron Date: September 22, 2021, 10:30 am
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Better ruffled feathers, than feeling like a downed duck being
carried around by a dog!
We used to get flack about not staying with my parents during
visits. I held firm, saying everybody is happier when we have
someplace else to recharge at night. My mom got over it.
(I have a similar parental dynamic, but no meddlesome sister to
contend with.)
Sorry you're having to deal with this! Good luck, and keep us
posted.
#Post#: 20009--------------------------------------------------
Re: Don't visit, do visit, but you're not welcome to stay here,
don't visit! Gotta vent...
By: Itopian Date: September 23, 2021, 2:46 pm
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Yes, it's crappy. Shitty, even.
And I can't imagine even admitting I knew any of these people.
I know, I'm harsher on this than most.
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