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#Post#: 28782--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: Queenie Date: October 13, 2021, 2:55 pm
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Dear Fido,
How is it that such a small chocolate colored body produces SO.
MUCH. HAIR?
It's everywhere!
#Post#: 29907--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: TwoASAPsAgo Date: October 16, 2021, 4:18 pm
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Dear puppy,
I am sorry for dragging you out of the street yesterday and
again today. I know you were annoyed. But the middle of an
intersection is not the best place to poop, especially when the
light is starting to change. Yes, really!
Why not continue to handle your business in any of your 80 other
favorite places? They're all better than the last two spots,
and you took forever picking them out!!
But thanks for adding a new kind of excitement to my life. I
had no idea what I was missing back in the B.C. (Before Cyrus)
era.
On a related point, we will be pushing back your jaywalking
lessons. Clearly that's a Puppy 202 class.
Sincerely,
Leash Lady
Post Script: You were really brave at the Very Enthusiastic
Tradesman's office today. I don't blame you at all for not
taking a treat from him after he stuck a needle in your back
side -- and then, right in front of him, taking the same treat
from his assistant. You are clearly my mother reincarnated!
🤣🤣🤣
#Post#: 31042--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: TwoASAPsAgo Date: October 20, 2021, 10:05 am
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Dear Puppy,
If you really want to go for a walk Right Now! maybe return one
of the four pairs of shoes you swiped?
No, a matching pair.
Or you can just wait until I locate the shoes, which, for the
record, was never a problem in the BC era.
No, the numerous pairs in the closet, which by the way are still
none of your business, don't count.
Also, thanks for holding it! I found them.
Sincerely,
Delayer of Urgent P-mail
Post Script: The bells hanging from the doorknob are there to
alert us to predators (😱) and not to summon me like a
peevish patron at the front desk!
But okay. Since we haven't noticed any predators in 17 (25?)
years, and your repurposing has "some" merit, let's go with it
... for now.
#Post#: 31047--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: Queenie Date: October 20, 2021, 10:12 am
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Dear Puppy,
That loud booming noise, that big scary "get off my lawn" bark
was in fact coming from you. You found your "big girl" bark!
No need to be scared of it.
#Post#: 33774--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: TwoASAPsAgo Date: October 26, 2021, 6:17 pm
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Dear Puppy,
There's an open space, about 40 inches wide, to my left on the
couch. It is all yours for the taking, including the comfy
cushions!
So why do you keep squeezing into the 6-inch gap between my
right side and the arm of the couch? That gap is for my right
knee, in case I cross my legs, not that it is anyone's business.
Yes, yes, technically, you "can" squeeze into the gap, if -- and
this is a really big IF -- you stay standing. But we both know
you plan (1) to lie down (whereupon you will become 8-9 inches
wide), meaning I have to scoot over, and then (2) to turn onto
your side and stretch out your legs (making you 18-20 inches
wide), which means pushing me to the middle of the couch!
The middle?!!
I believe the left-handed pettings are as skillful as the right,
so quality can't be the issue. So what is it?
If you just prefer the right side, we can explore switching.
But FYI, the people snacks will move with me to the end table on
the left. And if we switch, you will not be squeezing into the
new 6-inch gap. Right? RIGHT?
Also, if I lean over for a second to pick up a toy you dropped
off the edge of the couch, that is not an invitation to slide
into my spot. I haven't abandoned the space and am obviously
planning to return.
So why are you in it? I hope this isn't just a nefarious plot,
but I admit I wonder.
Love,
Your couchmate
#Post#: 34780--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: Queenie Date: October 29, 2021, 7:15 am
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Dear Puppy,,
Yes, I'm fine. Really. I'm doing yoga because my back is shot
from trying to work at the kitchen table. This is called "child
pose." It works better with no puppy sitting on my head.
#Post#: 35982--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: TwoASAPsAgo Date: November 1, 2021, 10:35 am
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Dear Puppy,
Yes, I reduced the space between my right side and the arm of
the couch. The gap is now three inches wide. There is no
reason to look puzzled. You are at least six inches wide. Do
the math -- you just don't fit there.
Also, if you need to make a three-point turn to back into the
gap, then you don't fit there.
Also, also, if you need to climb across my laptop to start your
three-point turn, then you don't fit there.
But now that you have squished yourself into the gap -- where
you don't fit! -- and are sprawled across my right arm and half
the laptop, I believe this means I am incapacitated. And
therefore I get to take the day off, right? RIGHT?
Sincerely,
Your Couchmate
#Post#: 36488--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: Queenie Date: November 2, 2021, 12:00 pm
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Dear Puppy,
I can't believe I'm asking this: could you please bark more? I
can count on about a hand and a half the number of times you
have barked, and nearly all of those were at The Verminator when
he wouldn't play.
It would be very helpful if you learned that thing nearly all
dogs seem to instinctively get: the "attention bark." So, when
you need to go out? A little "yip" instead of either sitting by
the door hopefully or jumping onto my couch-sleeping head. If
you are outside and your run line is stuck under the deck? A
vocal way of letting me know would be good.
Yesterday Youngest was certain you had somehow run away, when in
actuality you'd somehow managed to close Oldest's room door
behind you and there you were, wagging hopefully away, entirely
silent until I found you.
Take a lesson from The Verminator! He has all kinds of opinions
(OK, really just the one: "You people need to do what I want,
you idiots!") and has no trouble announcing them at an
increasingly annoying volume until we capitulate.
#Post#: 38142--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: guest114 Date: November 6, 2021, 12:48 am
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Cute letters. This is why I pick my puppies after they're
already teenage hooligans. I have no patience for puppygarten
teaching.
My first service dog prospect never chewed anything I had worn--
shoes, etc... but he did once rip up a pair of silk pants I had
never worn.
Mr. Hastings came to me a bit more defective in the chewing
department.
#Post#: 38860--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: Queenie Date: November 8, 2021, 12:20 pm
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Dear LCP,
I know you think that the dead voles in the yard are presents
from The Verminator just for you. In actual fact this may even
be true.
But ew, gross, ptooie! Stop eating them, and if you must, could
you not gobble them with such alacrity? That last one went down
so fast I didn't have a nanosecond to grab the tail as it
disappeared down your throat.
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