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#Post#: 17410--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: TwoASAPsAgo Date: September 17, 2021, 3:01 pm
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Dear Puppy,
I am glad you like the elegant, once-white linen curtains that
hung in the kitchen. We have great taste in linens and things.
I had high hopes that knotting the ends out of reach would mean
we could still admire them from a pleasing distance. But it
seems you prefer to show your admiration in a tactile, tackling
sorta way. I have great respect for your athleticism, which has
a time and place ... but I digress.
Thank you for taking the curtains down, as they were kind of
silly just wafting in a gentle breeze. I underestimated the
appeal of dragging a beige wad or two across the floor, while
being chased by clanging metal rods. The floor is definitely
cleaner!
And it is true that the downstairs neighbors have never visited
when the drapes were just hanging there, completely useless!
Congratulations on that. Who said we aren't socializing enough!
That said, the next time you wish to redecorate or invite the
neighbors over, please call a roomie meeting.
Sincerely,
Your roommate
Post Script: The linens will be added to your Tab, which is not
payable in poop deposits.
#Post#: 18098--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: Queenie Date: September 20, 2021, 6:53 am
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Dear Puppy,
Existential question:
When a puppy destroys the broom and scatters it all over the
basement, what does one use to sweep up the mess?
#Post#: 19152--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: TwoASAPsAgo Date: September 22, 2021, 9:30 am
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Dear Puppy,
Recently, I have begun to suspect that you do not know English*.
So in a gesture of good will, I attempted a few phrases in
Whine, the language of your ancestors. Maybe I got something
wrong, as I cannot reach the higher two octaves you favor. And
perhaps some of the nuance is lost on me. Regardless, I'm sorry
if what I said offended you.
But barking, growling and moving to the West End of the Couch to
sulk seem like an unnecessary escalation. Shouldn't the goal be
more or better communication? I guess the ball, which, for the
record, you never return, is in your court.
* A copy of this letter will be provided to your [s]trainer[/s]
interpreter in the hopes that we can resume negotiations.
Sincerely,
Neighbor on the East End of the Couch
#Post#: 20627--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: Queenie Date: September 24, 2021, 2:31 pm
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Dear Puppy,
Yes. You may sit in my lap.
Could you do that without falling completely apart? Also, what
is this nibbling thing you do and what is especially
nibble-worthy about my boob area?
Maybe don't answer that.
#Post#: 21651--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: Queenie Date: September 27, 2021, 12:57 pm
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Dear Puppy,
All of this hiking is supposed to make you calmer. You know, "a
tired dog is a good dog."
But. Your tolerance for long difficult hikes is growing nearly
as fast as you are. And then where will I be on the days I
can't get you out for a proper romp?
Also: your manners continue terrible. Terrible! Cheerful and
friendly, yes, I'll grant you, but your self-control is not all
that.
Work on that, would you?
#Post#: 24775--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: Queenie Date: October 4, 2021, 10:22 am
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Dear Puppy,
Yes, it is pouring buckets. Yes, I know that you think this is
the best thing ever. No, I will not play outside. Also, when
you do come back inside, could you please refrain from doing
laps around the house at high speed?
#Post#: 26611--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: Queenie Date: October 7, 2021, 3:45 pm
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Dear Puppy,
I agree that it was considerate of The Verminator to provide you
with an injured chipmunk. Yes, it did look delicious. For you,
I mean.
When you puked it up on my family room rug it appeared that you
did not chew it even a little bit before swallowing. I suggest
that this was a poor strategy.
#Post#: 26689--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: TwoASAPsAgo Date: October 7, 2021, 7:07 pm
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Dear Puppy,
I know it is delicious, but the cream I slather on my arms and
feet is not a snack for between meals. No, really! You get
plenty of snacks, and I hand those to you. Yes, really!
And if I oversleep by a couple of minutes, you probably will not
starve to death. Yes, really! Chewing on my hair at 7:02 a.m.
seems a bit dramatic and desperate, and neither of us loves when
your deposits exit, dangling from one of my hairs. 🤢
While we are on the subject, other things that are not snacks:
Rocks (please stop)
Plastic bottle caps
Metal bottle caps
Clothes pins
Screws
Nails
Dead sparrows on the sidewalk (🤢🤢)
Popped balloons
Lighters
Pen caps
Plastic bags
Cigarette butts
Leaves
Grass
What's left of the bamboo inlay on the kitchen chairs
Zipper pulls
My pants
Hair accessories
Sneakers
My remaining flipflops
Socks
Paint chips (from where exactly?)
Cardboard
Paper, so damn much paper
The Brothers Karamazov (where exactly are pages 1 through 258?)
Anna Karenina (last 20 pages)
My 2019 tax returns (yes, it was a tragic tome, much like Anna
Karenina)
The linen curtains, may they rest in peace
Other stuff on the street
Etc., etc.
Basically, if I didn't give it to you, you probably shouldn't
eat it. Neither of us likes my fingers in your mouth, right?
The Very Enthusiastic Tradesman who petted you in an
extra-friendly way says you should wear a special mask. Yes,
similar to the one I wear when we go out. It keeps me from
picking up bad stuff from strangers on the streets.
Or you could just stick to the snacks I give you ... from my
tasty hands. Think about it.
Sincerely,
Your roomie who cooks
#Post#: 27480--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: TwoASAPsAgo Date: October 10, 2021, 9:49 am
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Dear Puppy,
I previously mentioned my suspicion that you do not know
English. I believe I was mistaken.
But now it is starting to look like you are just a snob?
Or maybe you have another explanation for your fascination with
Russian novelists (English versions). First Dostoevsky, then
Tolstoy, and now Nabokov?? They were on a high shelf "out of
reach," so you must have made a special effort to reach them.
Some excellent examples of American literature are right there,
on a lower shelf. Yes, really!
Either way, please ask before you borrow books. Just because
they are on shelves in the hallway doesn't mean they are free
for the taking.
Also, I note that you've broken the spine on two of them, and
they were "returned" with pages missing! Look, I, too, hate the
ending of Anna Karenina, but that's no excuse for vandalizing
literature or my property.
Sincerely,
Your roomie
#Post#: 27692--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Fido
By: muskrat Date: October 10, 2021, 5:52 pm
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Dear Gerbil 🐭,
Realize youre not a dog, but since you acted like one today,
this story goes here.
I just looked down at you in your cage & you reacted by freaking
at the freaker's ball and running/hiding for your life. Sorry,
lil sis.
To make up it to you, I graciously let you eat a few small
peanut dregs out of my hand as I rested it on the bottom of your
cage to make it easy for you to reach the treats.
Guess you got cranky when couldnt find any more peanuts:
because you then crawled up onto my unsuspecting palm for 2
seconds and - yes - peed a little on me.
Almost like a tiny dog peeing on a small fire hydrant.
Man, I seriously get NO respect.
Love,
The Hand That Feeds You
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