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#Post#: 8707--------------------------------------------------
passive aggressive MIL?
By: LesserGoddess Date: August 29, 2021, 5:10 pm
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VENTING - scroll along if not interested...
My ex MIL is an avid genealogist hobbyist. She is obsessed the
last few years about "tracking down" a family tree to give to my
daughter.
The last one she did, she included some info on my side. It
really irritated me. Possibly I shouldn't care, but she gets
details wrong and then plasters them into a poster or some such.
My thoughts are, do your side all you want but leave mine alone.
I did say that as tactfully as possible.
A few weeks ago she mailed her a doodad that she had obviously
spent a lot of time on, along with a printed out text in which
she AGAIN got several major details wrong, on my side.
The last time I talked to her about it, after the poster, she
sent me a link to ancestry as back up for what she had. Mind
you, if you go to ancestry, all the links she sent were
essentially someone saying "I have an access to the Mormon
database, and this is what it said" with no images backing it
up.
This latest doodad, I emailed her saying (making up details here
to keep anonymous): "You said Edgar and Mildred lived in
Illinois, then Ohio. I have their immigration, marriage, and
naturalization papers, as well as census data, saying they lived
in Pennsylvania. Can you tell me where you got this Ohio and
Illinois stuff?"
No answer.
At this point I think she's fucking with me. I am really angry
because I spend time correcting the info with my daughter, and
showing her stuff, but I'm afraid at some point my daughter will
forget what I said and take this as an actual record.
::) >:( >:( >:(
#Post#: 8721--------------------------------------------------
Re: passive aggressive MIL?
By: animaniactoo Date: August 29, 2021, 5:35 pm
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What I would say with something like this is that you really
can't ensure that she won't do it. It's her hobby, she's got
experience, and clearly she's coming up with some wrong
information.
Your best bet is probably to tell your daughter that you would
take what MIL has given her with a grain of salt, because you've
found some major inconsistencies with what you know from
firsthand knowledge and records that you have.
There's a strong likelihood that she's got the wrong Edgar and
Mildred - and records don't always line up, especially when
there is more than one of a name, and somebody mistakenly enters
this over there instead of the correct information kind of
stuff.
----------------
Is there a universe in which you can see yourself saying "I
understand this is something you're deeply interested in, I can
send you all the documentation that I have to compare against
what you find so that you can check if it's the right
Edgar/Mildred and so on."?
And maybe to ask her to run what she finds by you since you are
a first hand resource on your family? You still won't
necessarily keep her from coming up with and putting together
wrong information, but she might be more amenable to leaving off
what's questionable if she doesn't feel that you're just
dismissing her expertise at her hobby.
#Post#: 8737--------------------------------------------------
Re: passive aggressive MIL?
By: LesserGoddess Date: August 29, 2021, 5:56 pm
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Interesting points Ani.
You know what? I don't want to share them with her (the docs I
have). I would have I think before she started doing this.
I don't understand why someone would be so flippant with the
details.
To genuinely track one side of my family, you'd literally have
to have expertise in a language as it was 3 centuries ago, not
only the language but more likely a local dialect, and their
social structure, and literally travel to that country to nail
down any details. And she thinks she can get it off of someone's
say-so on ancestry.
As for run it by me, before all this, I mentioned an account I
have, but no. she takes what someone says on the internet more
than my greataunt's family history she meticulously compiled
from other relatives over the years.
#Post#: 8765--------------------------------------------------
Re: passive aggressive MIL?
By: animaniactoo Date: August 29, 2021, 6:57 pm
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Well then take comfort in the fact that she's really BAD at what
she's doing and she's likely bungled her side of the family too.
My paternal grandfather did his side of the family, and some of
my birth maternal side (it is kind of fascinating, I can
understand why it would be hard not to keep looking into, and it
got more interesting when he was talking with the new couple who
had moved in 4 doors down, and the guy was similarly into family
history and comparing notes turned up that he's my 8th cousin
once removed).
He did travel to look into stuff (I mean, he was going to travel
anyway, it just gave him a purpose for some of the travel). So
did my mom (stepmom) when she was looking into stuff.
So, I have a pretty decent sense of what it takes to accurately
piece stuff together and someone who wouldn't START at firsthand
records and previously done research is... not very good at it.
My advice is to stick with telling your daughter to take her
grandmother's info with a grain of salt and letting her know
that you have documents that you are willing to share with her -
daughter - if she's interested.
MIL you can limit to "Interesting, that doesn't match any of the
legal records that I have at all." and leave it there.
#Post#: 8766--------------------------------------------------
Re: passive aggressive MIL?
By: LesserGoddess Date: August 29, 2021, 6:59 pm
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[quote author=animaniactoo link=topic=189.msg8765#msg8765
date=1630281455]
Well then take comfort in the fact that she's really BAD at what
she's doing and she's likely bungled her side of the family too.
My paternal grandfather did his side of the family, and some of
my birth maternal side (it is kind of fascinating, I can
understand why it would be hard not to keep looking into, and it
got more interesting when he was talking with the new couple who
had moved in 4 doors down, and the guy was similarly into family
history and comparing notes turned up that he's my 8th cousin
once removed).
He did travel to look into stuff (I mean, he was going to travel
anyway, it just gave him a purpose for some of the travel). So
did my mom (stepmom) when she was looking into stuff.
So, I have a pretty decent sense of what it takes to accurately
piece stuff together and someone who wouldn't START at firsthand
records and previously done research is... not very good at it.
My advice is to stick with telling your daughter to take her
grandmother's info with a grain of salt and letting her know
that you have documents that you are willing to share with her -
daughter - if she's interested.
MIL you can limit to "Interesting, that doesn't match any of the
legal records that I have at all." and leave it there.
[/quote]
Ah, this cooling the rage jets coursing in my head, thanks.
She's not very mobile so traveling is out for her.
#Post#: 8772--------------------------------------------------
Re: passive aggressive MIL?
By: pamelaaos Date: August 29, 2021, 7:03 pm
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Lesser, I feel for you. My mom did extensive genealogy on both
her and my dad's families - with complete proven documentation.
She published several books with the information. She
encountered people doing the same thing to her. They would send
her information which was clearly wrong and they cite some
source that is known for anyone being able to edit it. It used
to frustrate her to no end.
She knew her documentation was thorough and correct and was able
to use it to prove our relation to signers of the Magna Charta
and they verified it. We have memberships in that society.
She also proved (and it was verified) ancestors going back to
colonial US days in order to join the Colonial Dames Society.
They verified all her documentation.
Yet, some people were always wanting her to either add things
that were not correct or even worse to leave things out because
they didn't like a particular "stain" on their family and they
knew it was true!
#Post#: 8778--------------------------------------------------
Re: passive aggressive MIL?
By: DavidSPumpkins Date: August 29, 2021, 7:09 pm
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What age range is your daughter? This might be something you
live with today, but correct in a few years when she's older.
#Post#: 8784--------------------------------------------------
Re: passive aggressive MIL?
By: LesserGoddess Date: August 29, 2021, 7:14 pm
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[quote author=DavidSPumpkins link=topic=189.msg8778#msg8778
date=1630282168]
What age range is your daughter? This might be something you
live with today, but correct in a few years when she's older.
[/quote]
She's a senior in HS. Boy, have I had to bite my lip. All I've
said is, this is wrong, see this marriage certificate, you can
see what her correct maiden name was, and so on. When inside I'm
hopping up and down
HTML https://media0.giphy.com/media/3oFzmdXXJRyAQebmvu/200.gif
#Post#: 8807--------------------------------------------------
Re: passive aggressive MIL?
By: HeddyL2627 Date: August 29, 2021, 7:52 pm
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You're not going to change the MIL. Teach your daughter to fact
check instead?
#Post#: 15592--------------------------------------------------
Re: passive aggressive MIL?
By: CatDancing Date: September 13, 2021, 11:56 pm
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[quote author=LesserGoddess link=topic=189.msg8784#msg8784
date=1630282444]
Boy, have I had to bite my lip. All I've said is, this is wrong,
see this marriage certificate, you can see what her correct
maiden name was, and so on. When inside I'm hopping up and down
[/quote]
A sibling's MIL is another such Internet Scholar[sup]TM[/sup],
and had briskly informed my sibling (and offspring) that a
certain relative from our parents' generation was a twin who
died at birth.
Sibling, to me: "What's up? MIL said thus-and-such."
Me, to sibling: "She said WHAT??" (I'd always been very fond of
that particular Relative, and had in fact spent the summer
before my senior year in HS with that particular Relative and
Family, and had a *great* time.)
Sibling: "Well, that's what she's telling the kids . . . "
Me:
HTML https://media0.giphy.com/media/3oFzmdXXJRyAQebmvu/200.gif
Except my jumping up and down wasn't on the inside.
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