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#Post#: 170861--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: billieryder Date: March 9, 2023, 8:53 pm
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A lot of my post was presuming my health issues away because the
crux of the problem is independent of my health. Ie a cooking
class is well within scope ... In a reasonable time frame.
Surfing will never be in scope because of eyes and my phobia of
water.
But yeah.... It has been made crystal clear to me that he
can't/won't pick the hobby because he has no interests therefore
he wants me to be sufficiently passionate about something he can
join in on and share. But the things I am passionate about? Say
machine learning? Quilting? Not something he can join in on.
Cycling? I'm not passionate enough about because I don't do
enough of it whether that relates to distance or how many times
a week. I know people who bike 100s of miles a week. I don't
compare so I suppose I could be more passionate but I was as
passionate as I wanted to be about it. I almost reached my goal
of 1500 miles (16 miles short) last year. He probably did twice
that so he says I don't do it at a high enough level to engage
him. But he won't join a group to find someone who wants to do
it at that level.
I'm not sure I am an all consuming passionate kind of person.
Someone mentioned their husband putting in 40+ hours at music.
Not me. I'm not that dedicated to any one thing. If he needs
passionate and lofty in his partner to move forward he might
have picked the wrong person.
And I just have nothing these days on how to solve this impasse.
Before I might have doubled down on trying to be more dedicated
but it doesn't yield results. If I manage a schedule of x times
a week he starts in on x *2 times a week is needed. It's a
never ending commitment that steadily increases and I'm tired of
it. I'm out of hobby suggestions that might interest me and
honestly the things he suggests don't interest me and sometimes
his ideas turn into my workload. I had actually forgotten about
that point until Ani mentioned it.
I was wondering if someone might have an interesting idea to get
past this that I hadn't thought of or tried. Mostly I have
thrown in the towel.
#Post#: 170862--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: MidwestmikkiJ Date: March 9, 2023, 9:28 pm
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I think what we’ve all said in different words is “throw in the
towel”. At least on hobbies. Couples don’t have to have a shared
hobby
#Post#: 170865--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: animaniactoo Date: March 9, 2023, 9:48 pm
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With respect, I don't think there is a solution to this, because
the core problem is that the two of you just have different
approaches to how to do this. Or whether you even want to.
If you wanted to do anything about it, I would say something
along the lines of "I'm willing to try out various things with
no commitment longer than a month to see if I like it. This is
what I'm willing to do. It's either enough for you, or it's not,
but it's all I have to give." and then let him react to it
however he is going to react to it. Don't make it your problem
to solve. Because it's not your problem to begin with! And
trying to solve it is - again - taking on the work that should
be his, and putting in more effort than he is willing to put in.
#Post#: 170871--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: acl-ny Date: March 9, 2023, 10:44 pm
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"I was wondering if someone might have an interesting idea to
get past this that I hadn't thought of or tried. Mostly I have
thrown in the towel."
Honestly, I'm not sure what you're asking here. Ideas to get
past his insistence on controlling your hobbies and how you do
them, your life and how you live it? Or something else.
The way I'm seeing it, based on this and all your posts, is ---
there is no getting past this. He is inflexible. He wants you to
do ABC and XYZ, at levels that you do not want to do, if you
want to do them at all.
But one thing I don't think you've tried yet is sending him back
to his place. Personally, I'd send him home for at least a
month, tell him you want no contact until the month is up, and
then meet on neutral territory when and if you do allow contact
after the cooling off period. It would also be ok to tell him
you need more time. Maybe that will give you a chance to clear
your head and realize that you can indeed manage without him. My
hope is that you'll find that you're actually thriving.
I say this as someone who broke up with a long time bf, who was
a decent guy, because of far far less egregious stuff than this.
We were just no longer working out. I also broke up someone I
loved with all my heart, but I knew that we wouldn't work out
long term as well. It was hard, but I survived just fine.
I really think you need to get out from under his thumb for a
while and give yourself a chance to find yourself and your voice
again.
Hugs.
#Post#: 170874--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: billieryder Date: March 9, 2023, 11:19 pm
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I'm glad I put this out here. Nothing I suggested was fitting
the bill and I wasn't happy with the things he was suggesting
either based on interest or past experience of how it would go.
I actually told him we were at an impasse because of our
different approaches. As opposed to me trying once again
racking my brain trying to meet the requirements.
But I was open to being wrong about missing some obvious
approach. So I'm going to stay the course on not wanting to go
all in on some hobby with a lofty goal rather than dip my toe
and adjust. And he will have to come up with his own hobby that
I may or may not engage in I'm tired of trying to come up that
magical hobby with the lofty goal that I want to do that he
thinks is worth sharing in. Not sure it exists.
#Post#: 170891--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: Queenie Date: March 10, 2023, 6:47 am
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Just be yourself.
#Post#: 170922--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: HugeHug Date: March 10, 2023, 8:42 am
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Billie- Hax had some advice for a letter writer in today’s
column which made me think of you and your situation:
“If you’re plainly mismatched (ahem), then let that express
itself organically and see what happens. Give the friendship a
chance to either be real, or sail off into a Santorini sunset.
You really don’t have to perform.”
You, as well, really don’t have to perform for Mr. Ryder.
{{HUGS}}
#Post#: 171044--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: Sahmtoo Date: March 10, 2023, 11:55 am
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[quote author=billieryder link=topic=1790.msg170861#msg170861
date=1678416798]
But yeah.... It has been made crystal clear to me that he
can't/won't pick the hobby because he has no interests therefore
he wants me to be sufficiently passionate about something he can
join in on and share.
[/quote]
It's just not reasonable for him to expect someone else to
provide this level of energy to get him excited about doing
something. You can't be his external motivation, even if you
were inclined to be as obsessive as he is asking you to be. My
guess is that he's depressed or something, and he's hatched this
plan for how you could solve his lack of passion because it's a
way for him to dodge his own responsibility for his life.
What do you get out of this?
#Post#: 171054--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: billieryder Date: March 10, 2023, 12:44 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Sahmtoo link=topic=1790.msg171044#msg171044
date=1678470944]
[quote author=billieryder link=topic=1790.msg170861#msg170861
date=1678416798]
But yeah.... It has been made crystal clear to me that he
can't/won't pick the hobby because he has no interests therefore
he wants me to be sufficiently passionate about something he can
join in on and share.
[/quote]
It's just not reasonable for him to expect someone else to
provide this level of energy to get him excited about doing
something. You can't be his external motivation, even if you
were inclined to be as obsessive as he is asking you to be. My
guess is that he's depressed or something, and he's hatched this
plan for how you could solve his lack of passion because it's a
way for him to dodge his own responsibility for his life.
What do you get out of this?
[/quote]
This is what I need to make crystal clear back to him. I've
told him that I can't make him happy by taking a moguls clinic
for example to become better at moguls (I have improved but I'm
still pretty bad. Just not utterly hopeless). It doesn't work
that way. And we have proof with skiing and cycling. I'm been
pretty pleased with my cycling in particular (pre eye). Less
pleased with skiing skills but I am still pretty decent. But he
is better at both by a wide margin and therefore he is unhappy
with my passion and his ability to share at a level that is
meaningful to him.
Mostly what I get out of this is hassled. Either for my lack of
passion, my inability to think up something or my lack of
interest in whatever he suggests. This is being presented as a
shared thing so I must participate. But see above on how well
this sharing has actually worked - not well at all.
#Post#: 171058--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: acl-ny Date: March 10, 2023, 12:52 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=billieryder link=topic=1790.msg171054#msg171054
date=1678473890]
[quote author=Sahmtoo link=topic=1790.msg171044#msg171044
date=1678470944]
[quote author=billieryder link=topic=1790.msg170861#msg170861
date=1678416798]
But yeah.... It has been made crystal clear to me that he
can't/won't pick the hobby because he has no interests therefore
he wants me to be sufficiently passionate about something he can
join in on and share.
[/quote]
It's just not reasonable for him to expect someone else to
provide this level of energy to get him excited about doing
something. You can't be his external motivation, even if you
were inclined to be as obsessive as he is asking you to be. My
guess is that he's depressed or something, and he's hatched this
plan for how you could solve his lack of passion because it's a
way for him to dodge his own responsibility for his life.
What do you get out of this?
[/quote]
This is what I need to make crystal clear back to him. I've
told him that I can't make him happy by taking a moguls clinic
for example to become better at moguls (I have improved but I'm
still pretty bad. Just not utterly hopeless). It doesn't work
that way. And we have proof with skiing and cycling. I'm been
pretty pleased with my cycling in particular (pre eye). Less
pleased with skiing skills but I am still pretty decent. But he
is better at both by a wide margin and therefore he is unhappy
with my passion and his ability to share at a level that is
meaningful to him.
Mostly what I get out of this is hassled. Either for my lack of
passion, my inability to think up something or my lack of
interest in whatever he suggests. This is being presented as a
shared thing so I must participate. But see above on how well
this sharing has actually worked - not well at all.
[/quote]
So what are you going to do about it?
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