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#Post#: 170803--------------------------------------------------
Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: billieryder Date: March 9, 2023, 4:39 pm
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Does anyone do this and how?
I have shared some hobbies so this doesn't seem like a hard
problem but read on. I have always done Needlearts. I once had
an ex try it. He hated it but I gave him credit for trying. I
played D&D with an ex. We even attended tournaments. Played in
euchre tournaments with another. So did some things but they
might not fall into the adventure hobbying I'm being asked to
do.
I thought I was sharing skiing and cycling with my current
partner but as I found out over the last couple of years, he
hated both activities and had only introduced me to them hoping
I would get to some skill level that would engage him. I did not
get to that skill level. I have skills. I'm a solid blue skier
and can ski black as long as it's not too scary. I can pretty
solidly ride 25 to 40 miles at 10 to 12 miles per hour. But I'm
not an athlete.
He wants me to come up with a grand adventure that we would work
towards that involves some hobby. Eg. Tango lessons so we could
go to Spain for a year to Tango. Learning wind surfing so we
can go surfing at some islands in the Pacific. Glassblowing
which would require us to eventually move to Seattle to get us
involved to the best artistic community available. It's not
enough to join the local studio/community.
We need to commit and commit big. I am ensuring he won't engage
by not having this big goal. Know that I'm supposed to pick
this hobby and he will come along for the ride if it meets his
requirements for engagement. Something about this just feels
wrong. Like I'm being steered to a hobby and end goal of his
choosing even if he words it like - pick something, anything. I
have made a number of suggestions like cooking or woodworking
but then there was no lofty goal to go along with them. I liked
his glassblowing idea right up until the grand goal had me
moving to Seattle.
I'm more of a let's take a class and see if we enjoy it. Take
next steps as appropriate to move along in your hobby. I don't
find this attitude limiting as it doesn't stop you from
committing big at a later date if you are so moved.
So I feel like we are at an impasse. I don't want to commit to
something like move to Seattle when I don't want to do that
today and may never want to. So we would be pursuing this
glassblowing hobby, for example, based on a lie if I committed
to that. He won't start a hobby unless there is a lofty goal at
the end.
So now what? Anyone have advice I could consider?
Am I being as asshole for not wanting to do these lofty goals or
rejecting them out of hand?
Other things I have not done is train for 200 miles of cycling
in a day or going overseas to do multiday cycling events. Heli
skiing. MTB upskilling for log hops and jumps.
Am I thinking too small? Am I that boring?
#Post#: 170805--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: HugeHug Date: March 9, 2023, 5:00 pm
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You are not thinking too small and you are not boring! You and
he have different ideas about what it means to ENJOY a hobby.
I’ll admit I don’t understand why there has to be a lofty goal
at the end of it for him to consider it to be worthwhile. This
sounds like a basic incompatibility—neither viewpoint is wrong
or right. They’re just different and I really don’t see a way to
reconcile the different outlooks.
#Post#: 170809--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: MidwestmikkiJ Date: March 9, 2023, 5:07 pm
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Billie my first reaction is that this is nuts. You don’t try a
sport or activity and establish some lofty goal before you even
know if you are interested.
My second thought is that the two of you are simply incompatible
when it comes to this. Your partner appears to need an almost
unattainable goal to even be interested in something. He reminds
me of top athletes who say they’ve always focused on winning the
World Series or the Super Bowl rather than everyday games. You
on the other hand enjoy the process of learning and improving. I
think you are more common.
My suggestion would be to quit trying to find something to do
together. If he wants to take up something, great he can find
other like minded people to do it with. You can develop your own
interests.
I was a moderately serious swimmer for a long while but my
husband never took it up. He can swim but doesn’t care for the
competitive strokes. He played rugby and kept telling me I’d be
good at it but while I might have gone for it when I was younger
I wasn’t interested in learning at 53. I ski but he never has
and we both know he’d be bad at it. We both take Pilates classes
but not together since we are at different levels.
Our relationship is fine. We have some things we both enjoy,
some things we tolerate for the sake of the other person, and
things we do separately.
#Post#: 170810--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: acl-ny Date: March 9, 2023, 5:14 pm
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You asked, so I'm going to reply:
Noooooo!
"Something about this just feels wrong" because IT IS WRONG.
Totally, completely 100% wrong.
YOUR goals are your goals. His goals are his. If and when they
meet, fine. If they don't, you can do different activities, or
break up because the relationship isn't working. If he wants to
become an expert glass blower and move to Seattle, there is
nothing stopping him from doing so. There is no reason for you
to do it too if you don't want to.
On top of everything else, YOUR primary goal right now is, or
should be, to take care of your health. Rest your eyes as much
as they need to be rested so they can freaking heal. The last
thing you need, IMO, is more activities and hobbies.
Please please please, sit down and think about what YOU want
from YOUR life. Forget for at least a moment what he wants.
Because it's extremely obvious to people who care about you that
He Does Not care about what’s good for you, what you need, what
you want. You are only there to serve his needs and whims. Is
this a life that’s making you happy?
Life is too effing short.
#Post#: 170826--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: farmgirl Date: March 9, 2023, 6:04 pm
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I’m going to agree with what the others have said. I have
hobbies I enjoy, but I stop when it’s no longer fun. And then
if i miss it, I pick it up again.
I have, primarily when much younger, pushed myself in both
running and biking and became somewhat obsessed with increasing
mileage. But it was something I almost always did alone, for
me, and I stopped or scaled back as I wished.
I think what he’s proposing is wrong on so many levels. He’s
wanting you to do something in the way he’d do it - and taking
all the joy out of it. It sounds like another job. Hobbies are
supposed to be fun. They don’t have to take over your life.
And what Mikkij said about her & her husband is true for me as
well. My husband and I are retired, he spends enough hours
composing music that at times it’s more hours than a full time
job. It’s his thing, not mine. I have my own things that I do.
It’s fine and healthy to pursue different hobbies at different
intensities.
I think you are being very unhealthfully and inappropriately
pressured. It’s wrong.
#Post#: 170843--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: animaniactoo Date: March 9, 2023, 7:07 pm
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Billie, you are not boring or small. You are being
inappropriately weighted with responsibility that belongs to
someone else. It's not yours - and you cannot and SHOULD not
make more of an effort than he will.
Let's start here:
[quote]I am ensuring he won't engage by not having this big
goal.
[/quote]
No. You are ensuring that YOU are not engaging in something you
are unsure about for yourself. This is the sum total of your
responsibility. His engagement or lack thereof is not your
responsibility. You have, as a partner, a responsibility to
being open to what he might want to do. That means listening to
it and not dismissing it out of hand. That's it. Not committing
to doing it. Just giving actual consideration, even if it seems
ridiculous to you at first.
HE is responsible for finding a goal or hobby that he is willing
to engage with, when this is his desire, and bringing it to you
for consideration. And not all goals have to be shared goals.
That you might participate in it is one thing. But not when he's
telling you that you need to do it instead of him. Not in
addition to him. Instead of him.
If he is not willing to make that effort for something he wants,
WHY THE FUCK SHOULD IT BE YOUR JOB TO DO IT?
Next....
The things that interest you are the ones that genuinely
interest you. If they are not compatible with things he is
interested in.... well, that's not your fault or responsibility.
That is simply a function of two people being individuals with
different interests. It is fine. If he finds them boring...
hey... that's his opinion. You don't find them boring or you
wouldn't be suggesting them. There wouldn't be classes for them,
because nobody would want to take them. So apparently... there
are other people who find these things not boring.
And lastly...
Given the other issues you've shared.... this sure the hell
sounds like someone trying to lock you down into a longterm
project that keeps you with them. Committed not so much to the
big goal... but to spending that time with him working towards
it.
Unless that's what you want, I suggest you own your lack of
desire to do that and let him be upset. And if he gets upset
enough, maybe this is the time to remind him that he has his own
place, and he can go be upset over there. Right now. tyvm.
#Post#: 170846--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: animaniactoo Date: March 9, 2023, 7:09 pm
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Also, I am going to straight up say that the idea of having a
big goal that you need to have hobbies in order to be able to do
is a Grandiose thought process.
It's less that you're boring than that he's extreme.
#Post#: 170848--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: animaniactoo Date: March 9, 2023, 7:13 pm
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P.S. I'm sorry if that came across as heavyhanded, but I'm
pretty pissed off on your behalf right now.
You are still in the middle of a blipping health crisis, and he
thinks this is a good time to set you up with unreasonable
expectations and goals?
Okay, honey. Here's my hobby: Getting my eyes fixed once and for
all. Here's my big goal: Being able to see! And do things!
Without getting headaches and worrying about going blind! That's
my goal!
I'm shutting up now before I make this worse. My (mostly)
apologies. But I'm still posting it because I think that it
might be useful for you to see my anger and even the sarcasm
that springs from it. If I'm wrong about that, please let me
know, I and will rein myself in harder.
#Post#: 170849--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: Bobbi Date: March 9, 2023, 7:28 pm
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Agree with Ani. He's putting all of the responsibility--and
likely all of the blame if things don't go according to whatever
his agenda is--on you. He needs to suggest a hobby, and you can
decide if you want to do it.
#Post#: 170851--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sharing Hobbies with loved ones
By: acl-ny Date: March 9, 2023, 7:33 pm
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[quote author=Bobbi link=topic=1790.msg170849#msg170849
date=1678411690]
Agree with Ani. He's putting all of the responsibility--and
likely all of the blame if things don't go according to whatever
his agenda is--on you. He needs to suggest a hobby, and you can
decide if you want to do it.
[/quote]
I slightly disagree. He needs to pursue a hobby, and not
pressure Billie to join him. Then Billie can decide if she wants
to join in, and at what level.
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