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#Post#: 686--------------------------------------------------
Amusing Guides for New Members
By: Thorgrimm Date: March 22, 2013, 10:15 am
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Victor Hadin’s Foreworde on Phantastickal Forume Frippery
If you are reading this, as I shall assume you are, it may be
gathered that you are currently navigating -‘surfing’ if you
will- the worldwide interweb and are viewing this on some form
of discussion forum. This is just dandy, and reflects both the
tremendous variety and heightened productivity of modern
technological life and the callous lengths office workers will
go to in order to avoid doing any actual work during the day. It
is only to be assumed, therefore, that said productivity
increases are all down to trained animals of some sort.
Nonetheless you find yourself here, on a forum, possibly engaged
in debate or intellectual revelry of a high-brow digital nature.
Good for you. While you may not be doing any actual work by
reading this, you’re also not looking at porn or using the
company Email utility to send amusing message attachments
involving dancing rodents, which I regard as a sort of no-score
win for all concerned.
Or you might be looking at this from home, in which case you
should probably be getting some fresh air or reading a book… but
perhaps it’s raining and perhaps you have tired of Dan Brown.
These things happen. What will follow, therefore, is a loose
guide to the etiquette of internet forums: What to do and what
not to do, particularly if you are involved in a debate with
someone.
And so here we go…
1) Unless the thread in question is entitled “name your favorite
breed of dog” (and sometimes even then) there is a good chance
that at a given point you will be engaged in debate on an
internet forum. It may be a good idea at this stage to define
that word: ‘Debate’ is variously given as “to hold or take part
in a formal discussion” and “to consider the arguments for and
against something”. By now the more astute of you will have
noticed that these definitions do not include “calling your
opponent a sexually-challenged moron”, “shouting at your
computer monitor while foaming at the mouth” or “accusing your
opponent of having a whore as a mother”. What these examples are
of is, in fact, a flaming row and not debate at all. The
difference between the two are best summarized by example:
a) “I will agree with you that the freedoms of men are
inalienable rights that should not be infringed, but I think I
disagree on the particulars, one example of which would be…”
b) “Yeah whatever, Gaylord.”
Did you notice the distinction?
2) Nobody is all that interested in your religious affiliation,
and you should not expect them to be. –Think of this as a
conversation over dinner with friends and relatives at
Christmas; religion is a banned topic, as are the dubious
quality of the host’s pork chops and the smell of elderly
relatives. The reason for excluding religion and pork chops is
so as not to offend any Jews or Arabs you may have invited over,
which as history has shown is a really silly idea. The reason
you do not mention your uncle’s odor is simple embarrassment.
Apply the same principle to religion on forums, and be sheepish.
3) Internet forums are also occupied by teenagers, as well as
bored office-workers. Give the former group the same respect you
would give any collection of spotty delinquents: Ignore them,
don’t openly offend them and if they’re hanging around your
doorstep or your threads, keep a close eye on the buggers.
Getting your thread closed isn’t quite as annoying as having
your car vandalized, but it’s still bloody frustrating.
4) Unless it is generally accepted to be thoroughly hilarious,
try never to argue on a topic you know little about; accept your
own humility and move on. Nothing is more tiresome than some
up-his-own-arse oik entering a five page thread and rehashing
arguments that were dealt with yonks ago because of what he
heard from some guy he knows… no, I admit there is one thing
more tiresome than that, which is if said oik hangs around
repeating himself to the tune of “Why is nobody listening to
me!?” until somebody snaps and calls his mother a whore, and
that never works out for the best…
5) Try your hardest never, ever to use the statement “Everybody
knows that” in your debating …Common Knowledge is usually
neither common nor particularly knowledgeable. Be wary.
6) If you are a teenager, please accept that you know absolutely
nothing about anything. I’m terribly sorry.
7) If you are a skilled professional, a learned academic or
otherwise a specialist in your field, please be aware that you
will still make errors of judgement, even in the field you are
an expert in. This is only human and doesn’t make you any less
of a person, so correct your mistake before somebody else does:
The internet is a big place and there’s always somebody who
knows more useless shit than you do.
8) THE CAPSLOCK IS NOT A GENERAL PURPOSE CONVENIENCE.
9) The most dangerous individual on an internet forum is a
satirist. As such, be extremely wary of taking everything at
face value, or you might find yourself unexpectedly being
sniggered at, and nobody likes that. If a particular statement
seems too stupid to have come from the mouth or keyboard of a
thinking human being, consider that it might well be a joke and
let someone else take the bait. –It is worth pointing out at
this stage that a satirist is not the same thing as a troll: A
troll is an individual who provokes reactions by stupid comments
that could conceivably be… well, conceived by a suitably stupid
or vitriolic person. You can identify a troll, as such, by the
fact that he lacks any sense of humor. A satirist, by contrast,
is a much rarer personage, and will provoke a reaction from you
but nobody else, and you will only realize this when you find
everyone sniggering at you mid-debate. As such, don’t take
everything on the internet seriously: There is no easier target
for a good satirist than a guy with a rod rammed up his arse.
10) Satire is also a double-edged blade. Be damned sure you know
what you’re doing if you choose to exercise it yourself.
11) Having extremist ideologies is a good way to get attention
on internet forums, but it is a very good way of swiftly getting
disregarded as an idiot with nothing worthwhile to say.
12) Patriotism is a fine thing, but going on and on about it
makes you a boring person.
13) Strangely, attention-seeking often makes people less
noticeable than they were beforehand. If you wish to blend
invisibly into the background, a good strategy is to post as
many outrageous details about your personal life as you can.
14) Being a newbie is not simply a chronological thing: Some
people have never been newbies while others will be n00bs
forevermore.
15) Correcting somebody else’s typos, except in extreme
circumstances, is almost as distasteful as mocking someone for a
speech impediment and the analogy holds fairly well: If you mock
people with speech impediments in polite society, you risk
becoming shunned and disregarded, and the same is true for
typo-spotters. The only difference is that while there are a
great many amusing jokes and anecdotes about people with lisps,
there is nothing fun at all about anal retentive people who like
to correct spelling. For such people, I recommend manufacturing
as many made-up compound words as possible, such as
‘multi-surrogacy’, just to wind them up. Try to introduce them
into sentences where they’re not needed.
16) Not everybody likes the things you do, so please be willing
to accommodate their tastes: Avoid saying things like “People
who listen to rap are retards, hur, hur” because this gives the
impression that you are a narrow-minded oik with the lateral
thinking capacities of an oyster. I may not like rap, but I also
disapprove of cats and very thin women: This does not mean that
I support making puppies and pork pies mandatory consumer items.
17) Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, and the use of expletives
is not witty at all, so avoid them wherever possible. The one
and only exception to this is for the person who has already
gone demonstrably so far beyond them that any use of sarcasm is
instantly transformed into irony, which is acceptable.
18) All the above arguments are null and void in the event of
football, which is the one globally-accepted exception to being
polite to other people.
Thank you all for your patience in reading through this now
18-strong list of handy hints! If you feel you need to make any
revisions, well do so, and if you think you can make the list
shorter and more concise, that is good too.
-And in the event that you like this list enough to want to copy
and paste it to other forums… well go do it! There’s nothing a
guy likes more than having his ego stroked by duplication, and
if enough people read this during work hours then I might
actually get billed for the cumulative man-hours I’ve wasted in
writing this. So hurrah for apathy!... And be polite to the next
person you feel like flaming.
THE END!
#Post#: 687--------------------------------------------------
Re: Amusing Guides for New Members
By: Thorgrimm Date: March 22, 2013, 10:29 am
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Every so often, GPI will get a new member or two. More often
than not, this new member has chosen a username that is, to be
quite honest, very common and dull. Personality issues, or lack
thereof, aside, most new members complain that they're
overlooked; it's difficult to gain credibility.
The reason for this is that most usernames tend to blend in with
each other. Cosmetically, what's the difference between Ryukin
and Hyoken? Very little, despite their having no relation.
How many times have you seen several people in the same thread
with an identical word in their respective names, such as Dark
or Neo? It happens frequently enough to be noticeable.
I grow weary of seeing the same hackneyed username themes day
in, day out, ad infinitum.
I know some people do not mind being known as SolidSnakeX37, but
such names are apt to be forgotten as soon as the viewer is
through glancing over the owner's post.
So here's a simple guide to the biggest Do's and Don'ts in
creating an enjoyable username for yourself. Some of you down in
front may wish to open a notebook and begin recording.
Rule 1: Avoid Numbers If Possible - This is a big one. The
difference between BigJohnny and BigJohnny349 is that obviously
the name without the numbers came first, as he didn't require a
sequential ID to avoid confusion.
Having numbers at the end of your name demonstrates a lack of
originality. There are millions of people online. Having numbers
makes you a number, a meaningless drone in a crowd of many.
It is somewhat acceptable to use numbers if they have a strong
significance, such as a number that has brought you great luck
or your hockey jersey's number the year you won the title.
Nobody will mind that, but don't expect to be instantly
gratified for existing either.
Numbers to avoid at all costs: 666, 69, 1337, "#1".
Rule 2: 13375P34|< = BAD - This is a no-brainer to most, really,
yet it must be stated so that nobody could say it was ignored.
Leetspeak was devised by a group of lonely, college geeks who
had no life outside of their pizza-box infested dormitory. Even
if you too are a lonely college geek whittling the time away on
EverQuest, by virtue of not being a co-inventor of 13375P34|<,
you are cooler than that. Do not sink to this level! It is
considered the lowest method of communication upon the internet,
lower, even, than singles chatrooms on AOL.
Rule 3: You are NOT Vegita, Spike Spiegel or Cloud Strife! -
There is something instantaneously phony about someone who
arrives at a message board and calls himself Squall Lionheart.
You want credibility? Don't rip off a popular series or video
game. It reeks of fanboy-ism, which indicates an immature
obsession or an inability to separate reality from fiction.
Imagination is priceless, but we left behind this level of
pretend way back in the second grade.
Everybody knows that Trunks, Dante, Lara Croft and the rest are
fictional. You're fooling only yourself.
By all means, it is absolutely retarded to attempt to create a
persona by combining several unrelated characters into one
uber-fusion of ungodly might and breathtaking awe, such as
Serious Link Highwind . PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
And for God's sake, don't name yourself after an entire anime or
video game series!! I cringe each time an inanimate concept such
as Resident Evil, Macross or Twisted Metal Black somehow
manifests itself into a real, moving, functioning being, then,
invariably, heads straight to these forums to post inane
opinions on unreleased software.
If you feel the need to be perceived as a particular icon,
please make it one that isn't already idolized by hundreds of
thousands of rabid fans. A good choice would be a lesser Marvel
comics villain, such as Judas Traveller or High Evolutionary,
for just two examples.
Rule 4: If Everybody Else Is Doing It, Then You Don't Need To As
Well! - There are a great many words which appear in usernames
frequently, so much so that distinguishing between those who
have varying combinations of these internet buzzwords is
downright frustrating.
Take the following sample names: DarkNinjaX and XDarkness -
These are obviously different when placed side by side, yet in
scrolling through an assortment of posts, their unique features
tend to smear together in a disgusting blur of hackneyed jargon.
Toss in some more overused lingo and it may as well be the same
person posting repeatedly.
The problem with most of these words is that they all reflect
some sort of angst. Within each, there's an implication of
impending doom, as though the user were absolutely writhing with
a desire to destroy either himself or humanity-at-large.
See, we don't care about your angst. You're not the only person
who has problems with which to contend, so your suffering
doesn't need to be made ours by having a name that demonstrates
the kind of embittered, tortured, misunderstood soul that you
really are. Yeah, you, the guy wearing the Blink182 shirt and
shoving Hostess cupcakes into his mouth at 135 mph. You're so
full of suffering, aren't you? Get real.
Instant buzzkills: Hyper, Dark, Fallen, Neo, X, Hell, Mega,
Final, King, Lord, Shadow, Eternal, Soul, Night, Grim, amongst
numerous others.
If you wanna be angsty or mysterious, make it good. Gloryblaze
works just fine. Empty Heart is pure cheese.
Rule 5: Excessive Punctuation Is Not a Substitute for Creativity
- This is to say that your name is not rendered qualitative by
bracketing it in obscure punctuation symbols. Worse yet, using
nothing but hard to find accents, octothorps and foreign
currency marks as your username is downright annoying,
especially for those who would wish to address you by said name.
Imagine typing out the following name several times a day:
xX$quelch~Xx - Your mind would go numb after locating the
various shift coordinates for each mention of this cretin's
name.
Should you find the desire to include punctuation, please note
that it rarely ever makes your name appear more attractive.
Perhaps "~~@" symbolizes a rose in IRC, but it doesn't do much
for your actual name except overcomplicate it with needless
ideography.
Rule 6: There Are Thousands of Asian Names and They All Tend to
Look the Same, Especially to Non-Asians - As pointed out earlier
in this work, the frequency of names inspired by the Asian
culture is ever-growing. Granted, many of us think the various
cultures of Japan, Indonesia and China are fascinating, yet when
filtering through hundreds of people in one Forum, it is
increasingly complex to tell the Asian names apart.
This is not meant as a slander to those of authentic Asian
descent; you are quite justified in your wishes to use an Asian
name, for you hail from the land of Overpriced Big Macs. This is
your native tongue.
For everyone else, give it a rest. Back in 1996, when the
internet was still primarily used by fat, pimply, engineering
majors who had good reason to disguise their true natures,
acting as though you were of another culture was permissable,
albeit dishonest.
Now, the internet is used by geeks, soccer moms, inner-city
folk, jet-setters, the elderly, etc. There's no real reason to
hide yourself, because nobody truly cares anymore. Nearly
everyone uses the net, therefore there's no reason to not be
true to yourself. If you're still the kind of person who
consistently asks "a/s/l?", then these forums is not for you in
the first place.
This having been said, the glut of names based upon Asian
culture simply because it's the cool culture to be, at the
moment, is ridiculous. There are so many names in this style
that very few can honestly keep them organized in their minds.
In other words, A Hikari is a Shoujin is an Umezawa is a Yi
Xing.
If you use this kind of username, don't become offended whenever
someone innocently confuses you with another member whose Asian
name contains similar letters. He's out there somewhere.
Rule 7: Be Kind to Our Eyes - This is a short one, but this rule
is none-the-less broken periodically by insensitive, possibly
mentally deficient, people who think the "Caps Lock" key is
there to keep their hat firmly on their head while they play
their Megadeth albums at 170 decibels, as they type.
Simply put, using names in all capital letters is very harsh
when the name is displayed in bright, white lettering in your
userbox.
Here, let's see how this looks: PARTY ANIMAL - Pretty bold, huh?
Aesthetics aside, captial letters is the internet way of raising
your voice. Anything written in consistent capitalizations is
the writer's way of screaming at you. HE WANTS TO BE NOTICED!
To waltz into a new message board and register a name in
capitalized entirity is rather grandiose and quite presumptuous.
You're effectively shouting your presence at everyone, which
looks poor upon you. Most people, by now, have established a
knee-jerk reaction to completely ignore people who do this, as a
way of compensating for the raucous noise they constantly make
whenever they enter a thread.
Wanna make matters worse? Then bewilder us with alternating
capital and lowercase letters. It'S a PaIn In ThE bUtToCkS tO
dEcIpHeR, i AsSuRe YoU. It's even more vexing to type out. 99%
of all users will completely diregard your flair for the shift
key by typing your name as it would have been chosen by a more
sane, less ego-driven person. Hence, SeAtTlEsLeW would be made
into SeattleSlew and the only person wasting their time will be
you each time you log in.
One other note, don't purposely misspell words to the point of
mangling them completely. RaccoonLover is a fine name, but when
given the idiot treatment, it becomes RakoonLuvvr. That looks
amazingly...dense. It's as though you're telling us that you
either cannot spell basic words or that you're too lazy to
bother with acceptable communication skills. Either way, you'll
be hated, shunned and driven from the boards.
Those are basically the big rules of ettiquette. Obey them and,
although your name may not be overly creative, you will be
accepted just fine.
"So, how do I go about creating a better username while avoiding
the most common mistakes presented above?"
I'm glad you mentally asked that as you read this, just now,
exactly when I prompted you. Have a cookie.
There's no one, true method of obtaining a name that is seen as
creative, unique or interesting. It's a process of trial and
error. Possessing a strong imagination helps, as does a solid
grasp of the English language. (I say English because this is
the tongue most commonly used here on these Forums. For other
boards, German may be the status quo. I don't visit everywhere.)
Some tricks to creating a good name are as follows.
Examine Yourself - No odd lumps? Good. Now search your
personality and think about what makes you tick. Do you enjoy
sports or are you a good chess player? Do you tend to be a
worker, a doer or are you shiftless and apathetic? Are you
peaceful or violent? Knowing yourself can help create a good
username, based upon your personality. Choose a feature that is
a reasonable representation of yourself and work with it.
Remember! Avoid angsty names! They make you look whiny!
Find a Nifty Word - This is how some people do it. They scour a
dictionary or thesaurus and look for an odd, yet pleasing word,
then make an alteration or two, or perhaps none at all. What's
left is an interesting concept that catches people's attention
as they read your name. The name Ziggurat is far more
interesting than HockeyFan. It evokes a certain air of mystery,
whereas hockey fans are as common as seagulls at a McDonalds
parking lot.
Demonstrate Some Wit - This is something of an accelerated
skill, not to be attempted by the depressed or the weak of
conviction. But if you can pull it off, then more power to you!
If you can create a play on words, something that flows or makes
a small joke, then you're well on your way to a good username.
Words (or phrases) that end and seamlessly flow into another
word by way of identical spelling are excellent as usernames.
Consider something as follows: Utopium, Alphanumerican,
Retrogradio and Precious Gemini are all quite viably usernames
of quality.
But it can work for any pun or phrase. Here's some right off the
top of my head. JohnnyComeLately, Lola Palooza, OREOSpeedwagon
and President Evil. They're not fantastic, but very few people
would give you an iota of grief over names like this.
Go for the Bizarre - Seriously, this works. Some of the most
interesting names I've ever seen were combinations of items or
ideas that I would have never otherwise placed next to wach
other in my mind.
The more odd the reference, the better. One of my favorites from
the past was PsychicSandwich. That had class, albeit a very
warped sense of class.
If you cannot identify one representative trait or cannot find a
phrase that flows, make something strange up. The more random,
the more likely it is to work! It shows that you're zany, which
is a quirk people seem to flock to, for some reason.
You can do this with a dictionary and a blindfold, by searching
through your garage for odd baubles or simply by brainstorming
about things that make you laugh, such as tube socks or weevils.
Many times, an adjective followed by a noun heightens the
hilarity. Things are always funnier when juxtaposed with
unrelated, typically inapplicable traits.
Bonus points for rhymes and alliteration!
Let's try it together! Disgruntled Chainsaw, Neon Lemonade,
PorchWeasel, ZootFruit
See? Instant weird! Few people wish to risk exposure to such
mental instability, so the result is that you'll usually be
given a smooth ride into eventual acceptance.
Don't be scary-weird though. Something along the lines of
Cornpooper is going to raise quite a few eyebrows, not
necessarily in a good way.
The rest is pretty much up to you. The methods are vast, the
possibilities endless. It only takes a few minutes of your time
to design an acceptably good username. It doesn't have to be
cybergold, but avoiding the most common and frustrating mistakes
most newbies make will help your cause greatly. This guide
should also help you in finding names for your stories as well,
should you decide to use it.
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