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#Post#: 1698--------------------------------------------------
Tasteless Humor: Warning, Be Advised, Thread May Offend Your Sen
sibilities!
By: Thorgrimm Date: October 29, 2013, 10:55 am
---------------------------------------------------------
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and
too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate
this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our
computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like
this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you
have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just
say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start
with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'...
#Post#: 1699--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tasteless Humor: Warning, Be Advised, Thread May Offend Your
Sensibilities!
By: Thorgrimm Date: October 30, 2013, 9:39 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Radio interview quote from Marine Corps General Reinwald and a
female radio host. He wants to host some boy scouts at the
training center for some practice exercises. As follows
<FEMALE INTERVIEWER>: So, General Reinwald, what things are you
going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
<GENERAL REINWALD>: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting.
<FEMALE INTERVIEWER>: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible,
isn't it?
<GENERAL REINWALD>: I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.
<FEMALE INTERVIEWER>: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?
<GENERAL REINWALD>: I don't see how. We will be teaching them
proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
<FEMALE INTERVIEWER>: But you're equipping them to become
violent killers.
<GENERAL REINWALD>: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Cheers, Thor
#Post#: 1701--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tasteless Humor: Warning, Be Advised, Thread May Offend Your
Sensibilities!
By: Coco146 Date: October 30, 2013, 12:29 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I've heard that one before, but I thought it was an Australian
Army officer, but anyway. Its funny! :)
#Post#: 1703--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tasteless Humor: Warning, Be Advised, Thread May Offend Your
Sensibilities!
By: Thorgrimm Date: October 30, 2013, 2:16 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Coco146 link=topic=102.msg1701#msg1701
date=1383154186]
I've heard that one before, but I thought it was an Australian
Army officer, but anyway. Its funny! :)
[/quote]
Yeah, it is. ;D
If you know any good jokes, by all means, post them!
Cheers, Thor
#Post#: 1704--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tasteless Humor: Warning, Be Advised, Thread May Offend Your
Sensibilities!
By: Thorgrimm Date: October 31, 2013, 9:38 am
---------------------------------------------------------
This one was sent to me from a friend in England. ;D
A BIT CROSS
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last
time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two
higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The
rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened
level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout
loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two
more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change
sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful
arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They
also have two higher levels: "invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the
only threat they worry about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
Cheers, Thor
#Post#: 1716--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tasteless Humor: Warning, Be Advised, Thread May Offend Your
Sensibilities!
By: Thorgrimm Date: November 1, 2013, 10:06 am
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There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to
get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so
the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter,
you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to
come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got
home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I
walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn
thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started
beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him,
because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and
threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a
heart attack, and here I am.''
The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I
always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment
building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it
flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare
my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was
even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of
a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell
again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush.
But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top
of me.''
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well,
Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married
chick's refrigerator....''
#Post#: 1718--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tasteless Humor: Warning, Be Advised, Thread May Offend Your
Sensibilities!
By: Thorgrimm Date: November 2, 2013, 11:03 am
---------------------------------------------------------
An English, German and Dutch explorer are captured by a native
tribe in the jungles of Borneo. They are brought before the
chieftain of the tribe. After some deliberation it is decided
that they will be thrown out of the tribe's territory after a
punishment for trespassing of 50 strokes with a wooden stick on
the back. But, before the punishment 1 request will be awarded.
The Englishman is the first to go. When the tribe asks him about
his request he answers that he wants to have a pillow tied to
his back during the punishment. So it is done and after 50
strokes the Englishman is clearly in a lot of pain.
The German is next. He requests for a matress to be tied to his
back during the punishment. So it is done and after 50 strokes
he is still in a lot of pain but considerably less than the
Englishman.
The Dutchman is the last to be punished. He says: Before making
my request I want to ask for a double punishment. The chieftain
looks amused and answers that he than shall have 100 strokes
with the stick. When asked about his request the Dutchman
answers: "Please tie the German to my back."
Cheers, Thor
#Post#: 1719--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tasteless Humor: Warning, Be Advised, Thread May Offend Your
Sensibilities!
By: Coco146 Date: November 3, 2013, 2:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Hehe, that gave me a good laugh! ;D
#Post#: 1720--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tasteless Humor: Warning, Be Advised, Thread May Offend Your
Sensibilities!
By: Thorgrimm Date: November 4, 2013, 4:59 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Coco146 link=topic=102.msg1719#msg1719
date=1383509357]
Hehe, that gave me a good laugh! ;D
[/quote]
I try hard to find the funny ones! ;D
Cheers, Thor
#Post#: 1728--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tasteless Humor: Warning, Be Advised, Thread May Offend Your
Sensibilities!
By: Thorgrimm Date: November 7, 2013, 7:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
My friend from England sent me this one. ;D
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and
explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the
sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the
local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood
with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no
restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.
However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He
finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the
adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his
problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London
bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you
know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really
have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads the
American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you
like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden
he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains,
sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in
perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and
feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate,
he says to the bobby "That was really decent of you. Is that
what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir...", replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French
Embassy."
Cheers, Thor
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