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#Post#: 3207--------------------------------------------------
Water Always Wants to Be Free
DIR By: Maggie Flannery
Date: October 10, 2016, 11:03 pm
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{ A/N: I have no idea where the idea for this one came from but
it just sort of popped out. It was a bit too long to put over in
the Tiny Tales so I hope you don't mind my putting it here. }
“C’mon, we’ve gotta get going if we want to be up to the house
before noon.”
Tired hazel eyes roamed over the familiar form of the younger
brother that stood at the foot of the sparse looking bedroom.
Cardboard boxes of half packed things sat in nearly every room
as he slept the days away, trying to find peace in a dream world
where everything made sense once again. His mother had moved
into the guest room and his sister-in-law Helene was over there
at least three times a day if not more to make sure he ate
something and to finish up what laundry his mother was seemingly
always doing. His younger brother on the other hand was somehow
always beside him. Shannon was almost positive that Jared sat
there and watched him idle away his day. After all, there wasn’t
much Shannon could do at the moment. His entire life had been
upended one beautiful autumn day three months ago.
“I..’m not sure I can drive up there today..”
A quiet moment passed between the two brothers. Jared knew how
hard this was on Shannon but it had to be done and neither he
nor Helene could finish something Col and Shannon had started
together. It wouldn’t be right of them to even attempt it.
Helene had finally gotten in touch with the agent and finished
up the listing on the tiny house that Shannon and Col had
started out their marriage in. After putting it off and putting
it off the couple finally decided to make the move to Oregon to
devote more time to each other. They had outgrown the tidy
little space and it was time to move on. Jared just didn’t have
the heart to tell his brother that there was a couple interested
in the house and they’d be there at one with the realtor.
‘Maybe if we could get him out into the world, maybe meet the
couple. No. That’s just cruel. He’s got us. Hel and Mom and me
and…’
Jared's thought cut off mid sentence in his head as the drooling
hound dog mutt came sauntering in with what looked like one of
Shan’s socks. Shan and Col had adopted Gomer together from a
pound somewhere in Oregon shortly after their second
anniversary, to help bridge of the gap of having a child. Come
to think of it, that was when they bought the place out by the
Klamath River. They had called it their ‘setting down roots’
phase. They thought for sure that that place was with it’s 30
acres and lake side views would be the place they would raise
the family they envisioned together. If they only knew they’d
get half the time together to accomplish what they set out to
do.
‘ Then there’s always Gomer.’
“I know man, but you’ve got to. Hel’s finished packing up the
kitchen and I’ve got what was left of the living room. All
that’s left is…”
Shannon rolled away, ultimately choosing to face the stark white
wall than look Jared in the face and hear what he was actually
saying. He already knew. He still had to clear out the closet
and dresser. Still had to weed his way through the vanity table
and her jewelry box. He’d had every intention of packing up her
things but every time he actually got up the nerve to do it he’d
stand there staring at her things, totally unable to move. He
couldn’t even bring himself to cry. How screwed up was that?
It’d been almost three months and not one single tear. Didn’t
most people cry? The therapist had said that perhaps he was
still in a state of “suspended disbelief.” and that the tears
would come later. Why was he trying to rush them? It wasn’t that
he didn’t feel anything, he did. But it was dulled. Like he was
coated in a thick grey something totally unable to respond.
Sure, he felt it in his chest - the tight feeling as everything
closed up making his head swim. He wasn’t even sure how it was
his heart was still beating. He lived his life in a haze. Could
he even call this living when all he did was sleep and try to
forget the pain? No. No he couldn’t and he knew that Colleen
would kick his ass, right after she hugged him of course. She
was always his biggest champion, and always said nothing could
help more than a gentle hug. Shannon always suspected she’d been
right about that and he would give anything in the world to have
one of her magical all healing embraces. Shifting his position
in the bed that had for all intents and purposes become his
buffer from the outside world he sat up. Glancing at the clock
he noticed that red numbers read out fifteen after seven.
Cradling his head in his hands for a moment he thought that for
a moment he might cry. Nothing. Today just wasn’t the day that
tears were going to be shed. A half formed thought swirls around
Shannon’s head as his cell phone goes off on the bedside table.
He startles for a moment before reaching over to grab it.
“ Hello?”
An insipidly cheerful female voice comes onto the line and
greets him with information that should have made any man in his
position over the moon. He cursed himself as he gave her as
jovial a thank you as he could manage. He should be feeling a
million things right now, elation, relief, thankfulness. Instead
he felt cold miserable dread. It was just like getting that
afternoon three months ago all over again.
“Shan…you okay?”
If he could have formed the words he would have told his brother
that no, he most certainly was not okay. He felt like was he
drowning all over again.
“I’ve gotta take a shower..and head over to Sky Lakes. Fill out
some paperwork.”
The younger MacCubbin’s eyes bulged for a moment before a grin
spread across his face.
“It’s the discharge paperwork, right?”
Shannon couldn’t do much else but nod as he got up and scrubbed
a hand across his face. Jared was off like a shot racing down
the narrow hallway screaming for their mother and Helene that
today was the day.
‘Just take one step at a time, Shan. It’s all anybody can do.’
The voice in his head these days sounded so much like her that
it scared him. He stumbled toward the shower and scrubbed
himself clean. Toweling himself off he wiped down the mirror
with his hand and studied his face.
‘For land’s sakes Shannon, I love the beard but you’re starting
to look like Grizzly Adams. Combs it out and trim it up a bit
would you?’
He could have sworn he’d felt hands ghosting over his shoulders
but he shook his head, clearing out the voice he so loved.
“That’s the last thing Hel and Jay need is me cracking up on
them.”
Shannon muttered as he combed out the beard that had just been
admonished by the feminine voice in his head. A quick change of
clothes lay on the counter where Colleen’s pair products used to
sit. Freshly scrubbed and changed he headed back into the
cramped master bedroom he pulled open the closet door. Autumn
sunshine flowed in through the window opposite the bed and cast
a gentle glow on Colleen’s sun dresses and sweaters. Taking a
deep breath Shannon carefully took out each piece and studied
it. The moss green sweater she’d worn the day they had met was
still there and still soft as ever. The pink sundress with the
impossibly tiny pearl like buttons she’d worn the night he’d
proposed was still at the back. The worn out overalls splattered
with paint were still there. So was the hoodie she’d pilfered
from his side of the dresser and the t-shirt from the tiny town
in New England in which she’d come from. He would keep those
things, the rest would got to the local good will but those
articles would be carefully packed away with the bottle of her
favorite perfume and her jewelry. He swallowed the lump that had
formed in his throat and went about carefully folding each
article he intended to keep. A white box on the top shelf
stopped him cold. That damn lump was back and twice it’s
original size. A soft knock at the door sounded as Helene’s head
popped around the corner.
“Hey…Oh..I’m sorry Jared just wanted to see if you were ready
to…go..”
Deep brown eyes flicked from Shannon to the closet and back
again.
“You should keep it.”
“She’d kick my ass if I didn’t.”
“Nah, she wouldn’t. Although, to be fair she was more than
little upset when you stepped on it at the reception. You know
something, that lace sewed around the hem came from her great
grandmother?”
“Really? I wonder why she didn’t…”
“She wo…”
A curt honk sounded from the driveway as Jared sat out in the
car waiting for them. Helene sniffled before she wrapped an arm
around his shoulders. For the first time in three months someone
had come to him for a hug. Wrapping his free arm around his
sister-in-law he hugged her back.
“I know, Hel. I know.
The three hour drive had been a relatively quiet one, no
one was entirely sure what to say. The ancient truck that had
seen Shannon through the first thirty years of his life had been
sold and a shiny new SUV with all the damn bells and whistles
had been bought, partially at his mother’s insistence, because
evidently you can’t go bringing fragile people home in
unreliable vehicles. The other half was through need. His old
truck just couldn't take the mileage he'd racked up against it
these days.
A whirlwind of steady beeping and sound enveloped them as they
were ushered back toward the hospital’s waiting area. The perky
nurse Shannon had spoken to earlier came bustling over with an
arm full of paperwork and a bright smile. Turning to Helene she
grinned.
“I bet you’re happy to finally be able to bri…”
Helene’s eyebrows shot toward her hairline as her face crumpled
for a moment. Jared sat there shellshocked for a moment as
Shannon plodded on, signing away on the forms. If he stopped he
knew damn well that he’d say something and today was certainly
not the day for it.
‘She didn’t mean it, hun. She doesn’t know. How could she?’
The calm voice sounded as he signed the last page and passed the
clipboard back to the harried looking blonde nurse.
“I..I’m sorry sir…I.”
Shannon nodded, his chest tightening like a vice.
“It’s okay. You didn’t know. Can I go back there or is someone
coming out?”
The blonde’s eyes widened before she checked over the chart.
“Oh, you can go right on back. You don’t even need to scrub in
this time.”
Winding corners and corridors of washed out walls met them until
they came upon the plate glass window that seperated the
critical area from the homewards bounds. When Shannon wasn’t
sleeping his days away he’d stood on the other side of that
critical window staring and staring and hoping. Now, it seemed
as if his prayers had been answered, at least part way. The tiny
bundle that had weighed no more than a half pound three months
ago was finally able to breath on her own. Shannon was never
sure what surprised him the most, the fact that she had survived
or the fact that she in fact, a little girl. All of the doctors
he and Colleen had seen had said they were having a little boy.
It had been touch and go from the start and more than once he
thought for sure that his world was going to get that much
smaller but somehow, it didn’t. He was passed the tiny pink
bundle who at the moment looked more like a child’s baby doll
than an actual living being and he stared in wonder.
“Now, just to check one more time, is the spelling correct on
her name, Mr. MacCubbin?”
Shannon tore his gaze away from the slumbering bundle nestled
against his chest and looked over the paperwork and nodded. With
a slight smile and gave a nurse a nod and rather gruff thank
you. This was a new record for being asked so many questions in
the space of four hours. A cool breeze hit them on the way out
to the car and the tiny pink bundle let out a startled squeak.
‘She sounds like a little mouse.’
That familiar voice said, and by damn if she didn’t sound like
she was smiling. He could almost see her there beside him
watching ever so carefully as he strapped their daughter into
the carseat.
“It's okay, mouse."
Shannon to his credit swallowed down that lump once more and
turned to Helene.
“Would you mind sitting in the back with her, Hel? I mean…I
know…Colleen would have..”
Helene’s face softened as she nodded and wiped the tears away
from her eyes for the third time that day. That same soft voice
sounded in his head again.
‘You’d better repaint her room, that can wait though. Just get
home safe and sound…I know you will.’
Home. A concept that seemed foreign to Shannon suddenly so clear
now. Home wasn’t back in California. Home was where family truly
was and it was right there in that brand SUV. It was then that
he realized that the space he’d been living in was just too
small. Maybe Colleen had been on to something when she had
insisted on moving to the place in Klamath Falls. That was where
they had truly felt at home.
Jared stood there for a moment almost as if he was unsure as to
what he was supposed to be doing.
“Well, are you gettin’ in or am I going to have call Ma to come
and get you, Jay? We’ve got some grocery shopping to do before
we head up to the house. Did you say you wanted to get there
before one today?”
“You’re finally going up there? You want me to call Mom first or
something?”
“Nah, we’ll call her on the way.”
Thirty minutes later had any one passed the car on the way to
Klamath Falls they would have thought the lone man was taking in
the beauty of the scene. It truly was a beautiful spot, a small
valley between the cliff side overlooking the river. He blocked
the view of the iron cross that marked the spot. Shannon hadn’t
had the strength to set foot there even though they had driven
right past it on the way to the hospital the day his world
stopped. The memories of the first time together on the river
right before he proposed to her came flooding back, the day they
had gone to look at the house that was now the house he would
share with his daughter. He just couldn’t face it. Not then.
Now, in the mid morning light of the chilly early winter he
could for some reason. For the first time that tightness in his
chest had disipated as he bent down to lay the small bouquet of
rust colored cala lilies down next to the cross. Taking a deep
breath the scent of oncoming winter mingled with the ever
present scent of birch and pine. His gaze traveled to the river
out over the cliff side. It was as if the tide had a mind of
it’s own. Long ago they had sat at a place just like this one
and she had told him that the water from this river ran straight
out to the sea.
“Well, why doesn’t the sea come out into the river then?”
He had asked, feeling particularly playful and knowing that she
would give him a patient answer.
“ If you think about the path the water cuts, doesn’t matter if
it’s a lake, a river, or even an ocean water always wants to be
free, doesn’t it? But I guess if you want to get philosophical,
rivers and seas are both alike and different. The sea is this
deep all encompassing thing that turns and ebbs and does great
things. Rivers, are smaller and take their time and cut a
winding turning path to get to where they’re going. Sure,
they’ve not as deep as a sea but eventually the two meet and I
guess you could say they get along swimmingly.”
He couldn’t help but remember how she’d had chuckled at her own
pun before getting to her feet and challenging him to a game of
tag in the summer sun. That was how he chose to remember her,
all laughing eyes and her hair flying in a dark sheet behind
her. She would always be 33 in his mind and in his soul. The
lump in his throat he was expecting turned to a sharp ache.
Leaning toward the cross one last time he touched it and
whispered a soft ‘I love you.’ before walking back out to the
car where Helene and Jared waited.
Handing his keys to Jared he asked Helene if she would mind
sitting up in the passenger seat as he settled in next to the
carrier and studied his child’s features as they pulled away.
For the first time in three months his vision blurred as he
realized for the first time that his daughter had inherited her
mother’s fine delicate features. Saying a silent thank you to
God he realized that even though his wife was gone he had still
been gifted a tiny piece of her to see him through. For the
first time in three months he felt like his world was slowly
righting itself. All he had to do was take each day one step at
a time.
[center]~ Fin ~[/center]
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