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#Post#: 222--------------------------------------------------
Joke of the day
By: Brownman Date: July 3, 2017, 7:25 am
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My Wife's Arse
George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game
for
very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to
leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max
McTavish,
the bald man who had cleaned him out.
As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and
said
sarcastically, "Your head feels just like my wife's arse."
Max put a hand to his head and said, "By crikey, mate. You're
right.
It does!"
#Post#: 223--------------------------------------------------
Re: Joke of the day
By: Brownman Date: July 3, 2017, 7:26 am
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Things you'll never hear
8 things you'll never hear a man say:
8) Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just
too
big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta
see!
5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.
8 things you'll never hear a woman say :
8) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch
TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of
being
'just friends'
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to
figure
out how to get there.
2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for
a
designer dress.
1) Hey, pull my finger!
#Post#: 224--------------------------------------------------
Re: Joke of the day
By: Brownman Date: July 3, 2017, 7:27 am
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What's Your Business Sign?
Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your
Business
Sign?
1) MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing
degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating
instead on
drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job
responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2) SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing
without
a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless
someone
calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid
contact
with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You
seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3) TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life,
you
are instead content to completely control everything that
happens at
your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are
saying
but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall
inherit the
Earth.
4) ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in
school.
It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal
Ads.
You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the
latest
"ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really
causing
your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5) ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You
are
mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared
person in
the organization; combined with your extreme organizational
traits,
the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are
completely
insane.
6) HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the
organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work
than
marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you
have
to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely
spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for
the rest
of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to
measure
your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for
yourself.
Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your
social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above - Same sign, different title)
9) CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a
fifty-cent cab
ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you
asked your
parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you
could
pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for
promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10) CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms
to
avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have
convinced
yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get
a
higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat.
You will
spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities
without
ever taking direct action.
11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the
success of others, most people who actually work for a living
disdain
you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your
ulcers and
frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in
the
stock market.
12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your
inability
to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest
the
latter.
13) GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers
are
genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They
usually
suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit
serious
crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL"
#Post#: 228--------------------------------------------------
Re: Joke of the day
By: Brownman Date: July 6, 2017, 10:40 am
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You have to move to Montreal
Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to
Montreal.
Johnson: Montreal! "Nothing comes from there except hookers and
hockey
players!"
Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there!
Johnson, without missing a beat replies, "No kidding! What
position
does she play?"
#Post#: 229--------------------------------------------------
Re: Joke of the day
By: Brownman Date: July 6, 2017, 10:41 am
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What Comes After Ten
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes
after
three." "Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?" "Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What
comes
after ten?"
"A Jack."
#Post#: 230--------------------------------------------------
Re: Joke of the day
By: Brownman Date: July 6, 2017, 10:41 am
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Walking Along the Beach in France
A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many
beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet
one. But
try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested.
Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on
the
beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been
trying to
meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't
seem
to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women.
What
do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you
do ees
you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You
walk
up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store.
He buys
a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the
beach. He
parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the
ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you
again," he
says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still
haven't
been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to
zee
store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk
up and
down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the
potato,
puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up
and
down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look
at
him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back
to the
Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I
walked
up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet.
Why
don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming
suit?"
#Post#: 249--------------------------------------------------
Re: Joke of the day
By: Garbage Monster Date: July 11, 2017, 5:22 am
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[quote author=Brownman link=topic=61.msg229#msg229
date=1499355676]
What Comes After Ten
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes
after
three." "Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?" "Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What
comes
after ten?"
"A Jack."
[/quote]
All jokes aside this is how my mom learnt to count! The teacher
had to speak to my nan about it
#Post#: 252--------------------------------------------------
Re: Joke of the day
By: Brownman Date: July 11, 2017, 10:00 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Viagra Coffee
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything
checked
out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said,
"Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering
how I
can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin
when
he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush
the
Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it
into the
coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office
quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the
doctor
asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terribly, doctor, terribly."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he
got up
and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad
love
on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's
again."
#Post#: 253--------------------------------------------------
Re: Joke of the day
By: Brownman Date: July 11, 2017, 10:00 am
---------------------------------------------------------
VD Chain
"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on
the
phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic
soothed. "Get
him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same
symptoms
he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied
the
doctor.
"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."
"Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"
#Post#: 254--------------------------------------------------
Re: Joke of the day
By: Brownman Date: July 11, 2017, 10:01 am
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Up Penny Lane
One day, a teacher in a high school class was administering a
test,
and she noticed that four pupils were missing.
The first one came in.
"Why are you so late?" the teacher said to him.
"Sorry, miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Then the second pupil came in.
"Why are you so late?" she said to him.
"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Then the third one came in.
"Why are you so late?" she said to him.
"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Finally, the fourth pupil, a girl, came in.
"I suppose you've been up Penny Lane, too, then?"
"No, miss," she said to the teacher. "I am Penny Lane"
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