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#Post#: 853--------------------------------------------------
Re: funny
DIR By: Peter Saunders
Date: September 18, 2013, 5:36 am
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When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven,
God appeared
and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the
men who were
true heads of their household, and the other line for the men
who were
dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.
Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The
line of the
men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in
the line
of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only
one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of
yourselves; I
created you to be the head of your household! You have been
disobedient and
have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed.
Learn
from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only
one in this
line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
#Post#: 938--------------------------------------------------
Re: funny
DIR By: Peter Saunders
Date: September 23, 2013, 5:32 am
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Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was
in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and
have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in
hospital last time, but I'd
lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes
coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the
way that it works
is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one
or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in
queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's
arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO’.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time
in the world
to think of daft things to say.
#Post#: 1037--------------------------------------------------
Re: funny
DIR By: jonpayne
Date: October 6, 2013, 2:28 am
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A woman walks into a bar and says to the barman "Give me a
double entendre."
So he gave her one.
#Post#: 1053--------------------------------------------------
Re: funny
DIR By: Peter Saunders
Date: October 9, 2013, 1:25 pm
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Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and
saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just
come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that
followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost
in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't
notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For
the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at
all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I
heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking
towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but
this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove
on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the
intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad
that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them
all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
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