DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Even Greener Pastures
HTML https://evengreener.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Notebook Entries and Corrections
*****************************************************
#Post#: 8875--------------------------------------------------
Work in Progress
By: Allie Date: November 7, 2018, 9:55 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I haven't written in ages and this is still in progress, so
comments and suggestions are welcome. By the way, I hate the
title but I don't like leaving things unnamed
"Beauty Facade"
Yours is the most beautiful face
One could ever lay eyes on
The perfect portrait of grace
Worthy of praises and songs
Your sweet voice is like a melody
Filling the air with bliss
Your skin is soft as only silk can be
An invite to caress, to kiss
Who could possibly imagine
How mendacious can be such a facade?
The exterior of the finest flower
But withered and putrid on the inside.
How could this angel of beauty
Be so deceitful and vain?
Once the spell is broken, it can’t be helped
No one will ever see you the same way again
Enjoy your heavenly assets
For now begins the path to decay
Beauty and youth won’t last you forever
Soon will come the night of your day
#Post#: 8878--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work in Progress
By: the lost minion Date: November 7, 2018, 10:32 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I find it offensive.
#Post#: 8880--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work in Progress
By: Allie Date: November 7, 2018, 10:58 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Good. I will take it as a compliment
#Post#: 8884--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work in Progress
By: Susan Date: November 7, 2018, 11:10 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I don´t recall ever having heard the word ¨mendacious¨ before. I
had to go look that one up to make sure I understood the poem.
The part that seemed awkwardly worded is that same sentence.
More natural would be ¨how deceiving such a facade could be?¨
But it looks like you wanted to end the line with the ¨d¨
sound-- so I guess that would not work.
#Post#: 8885--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work in Progress
By: Allie Date: November 7, 2018, 11:18 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Thanks, Susan.
Yes, I took some chances and I wanted to see if I could get away
with it.
#Post#: 8891--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work in Progress
By: NealC Date: November 7, 2018, 11:53 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Well the sudden change scared the hell out of me. Is that good?
#Post#: 8895--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work in Progress
By: Allie Date: November 7, 2018, 12:15 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Sorry, Neal. I am really not romantic.
You're not the only, if it's any consolation. The first person I
showed this to actually gulped and stopped reading it out loud.
About the middle of this poem, I had two options: keep as it was
or make it take a completely different turn. I thought the
latter seemed more fun.
#Post#: 8899--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work in Progress
By: the lost minion Date: November 7, 2018, 12:28 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=NealC link=topic=587.msg8891#msg8891
date=1541613188]
Well the sudden change scared the hell out of me. Is that good?
[/quote]
Right? First, she's so nice and I know the poem is about me,
which makes me happy.
And then this. And again I know this is about me, which really
pisses me off.
Unbelievable.
#Post#: 8901--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work in Progress
By: Allie Date: November 7, 2018, 12:36 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
@Marmolada
Your inner and exterior beauty are timeless
#Post#: 8905--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work in Progress
By: the lost minion Date: November 7, 2018, 1:10 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Allie link=topic=587.msg8901#msg8901
date=1541615763]
@Marmolada
Your inner and exterior beauty are timeless
[/quote]
Hm, I have always valued IQ more, but thank you anyway.
You should write a drama about EGP members. Imagine all those,
ahem, interesting people gathered in one room... Or trapped in
one room - when suddenly one of them disappears!
Not really poetry but I believe that with a piece like that you
could at least try to make some money: a little bit of suspense
and solid, full-blooded characters that would disturb even the
toughest audience with their mentality and quirks. Especially...
Well, nevermind. The details are your job.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page