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Memoir- Final draft
By: Carly21 Date: April 7, 2014, 12:11 pm
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I remember the day as if it were yesterday. In fact, it
gets clearer as time passes. The feeling that shuddered through
my body when I got the news that traveled from my mother’s
mouth, through the phone, and into my ear is a feeling that I
will never forget. It changed me. It changed the way that I see
and treat life today.
I was pushing eighty five on the highway and my
favorite song was playing. I was on my way home from the mall
picking up a few items I needed before I left for a summer
camping trip that I planned with a few of my closest friends.
Jane was one of them. It was our senior year summer and we all
felt invincible. We were about to start a new chapter of our
lives where our stories would really begin. We didn't have a
care in the world. I was the happiest I have ever been and it
was hard to hide the permanent smiles. The bug spray cans and
new tent that I bought bounced around in the back seat as I
drove. “Jack and Diane” by Bruce Springsteen shook the interior
of the car as I sang along to every word. I felt my phone
vibrant in my back pocket. I reached for it but just as I was
about to answer, it stopped ringing. I had three missed calls
from my mom. I smiled, knowing exactly what she called for.
Before I left, she reminded me three times to not forget the
sunscreen. I figured she thought of something else to remind me
of. I was tempted to pretend I never saw that she called and
just speak to her when I got home because I was less than ten
minutes away but I know how worried she becomes. She picked up
quickly after the first ring but she did not say anything for a
few seconds. “Mom?” I replied to the silence. “Hey Car, Are you
almost home?” Her tone was low and somber which was something
that I didn't hear very often. “You forgot to tell me about
something I need, right?” I waited for her soft chuckle in
reply. “Alright Hon, I will just speak to you when you get home”
she replied. Right then and there, I knew something terrible
happened. I have never felt so sure about something. “Mom, what
is the matter? Are you okay?” My voice was shaking and my
knuckles were white from clenching the steering wheel. The tears
forming in my eyes blurred the yellow dashes dividing the road.
“Yes, I am fine but I am not going to speak to you about this
when you are driving.” My mother’s usual strong voice was weak
and wobbly. My heart was beating through my chest so intensely;
its outline could have been visible. “Mom, I am not coming home
until you tell me what is going on. What happened?” My voice
sounded like a bubble was caught in it. Regret flooded my mind
the moment I stopped talking. I burned to know what happened but
I was terrified to hear the words that were about to travel
though the phone’s speaker. “Mom, what is going on?” I swallowed
hard, waiting to hear the news that would tear my world apart.
“Jane was in car accident earlier this morning and died
instantly from impact.” I didn’t know that thirteen words were
capable of flipping your life upside down until that moment. I
tried to make words but it was as if I forgot how. “Car, where
are you? Are you close to home? I’m coming to get you.” It was
obvious from her voice that she was panicking. “I’m on Fred
Moore.” Those were the only words I was able to speak and I am
surprised I was able to comprehend where I was. My body became a
blank canvas. Every emotion was washed out of me, along with the
color of my skin. My world stopped spinning. I felt like a
robot. I pulled over onto the shoulder. The moments after I put
my old red explorer in park are a blur, a memory that left me
the moment I climbed into my mom’s car exerting the last ounce
of energy that was not robbed from my body when I heard of
Jane’s death. The world got darker that day. For a while, the
sun shined a little less bright and life became dull.
We sat in silence as we drove to the church where
Jane’s funeral was held. None of us knew what to say. To be
honest, we didn’t know how to act after we lost Jane. We were in
a trench that we could not dig ourselves out of. Jane was a part
of us. Together we formed an organism, each of us representing
individual parts that worked together to survive. When one part
died, the organism as a whole suffered. It couldn’t function the
way that it used to. Anna and Maddy sat as still as stones,
their faces stained from tears. The church parking lot was at
its capacity except for three fourths of a spot in the back. We
sat in the car for a few moments, preparing ourselves for what
we were about to walk into. A part of me wanted to drive away. I
wanted to drive somewhere so far away that I wouldn’t be able to
find my way back. My heart was beating out of my chest and I
began to feel my face flush. Tears were welling in my eyes and
with one blink, they streamed out uncontrollably. No longer
being able to keep my emotions intact, I began to weep. I
couldn’t stop it. The feelings and emotions that I kept bottled
inside since the day I found out exploded out of me. It was as
if my heart couldn’t hold onto the pain any longer. It had to
let go or it would be overcome and stop. It was at this very
moment where Jane’s death became real to me. It slapped me in
the face and knocked me to the ground. It all felt like a dream
that I would soon wake up from and find Jane in the bean bag
chair in the corner of my room that she always sat in where she
spent countless hours painting her nails and telling jokes that
had me rolling on the ground in laughter. I refused to accept
the news that would forever change my life until that moment.
Anna reached over and grabbed my hand. She didn’t say anything
because there wasn’t anything she could say to make it better.
Our hearts were broken, our souls were lost, and our minds were
exhausted. “We need to go now”, Maddy said quietly. There was no
life in her voice. It was simply just sound.
We walked as slow as our legs would allow. I could feel
my face swell from the salty tears that were much overdue and my
mouth tasted like pennies. Mrs. Wahl was standing at the top of
church cement stairs, clutching onto a very petite old lady.
“Thanks for coming. It means the world to us.” Hearing her raspy
yet soft voice was the most comforting yet most heartbreaking
feeling. I didn’t know whether to cry or smile. I ended up doing
both. “Mrs. Wahl” I called just loud enough to capture her
attention as she was about to walk into the church. She turned
around to face us and my heart split a bit deeper, something I
didn’t think was possible. I looked at Mrs. Wahl and all I could
see was Jane. They were spitting images of each other,
physically and emotionally. I have always envied the
relationship that Jane had with her mother. It was what I wanted
so badly with mine. She called Jane her “Sunshine Girl”. One
look from Mrs. Wahl and I was catapulted to the memory of her
wrapping her arms around Jane from behind and softly saying “I
love my Sunshine Girl”. Mrs. Wahl looked as if the life was
sucked out of her and she was holding on by a thread. Her hair
doubled in its amount of gray and she looked thinner. Her skin
no longer glowed like it used to when Jane was alive and giant
bags hung under eyes. “My girls” she said with a weary smile.
She embraced all three of us and held on tight. I never wanted
her to let go because when she held us, I felt Jane. “How are
you, Mrs. Wahl?” asked Maddy, even though she already knew the
answer. “I’ve been better but I’ll be okay and so will you. Jane
loved you guys more than anything, ya know that right?” Her
voice shook as she spoke. We smiled and nodded. The urge to let
go and lose control of my emotions was stronger than ever but I
couldn’t do that in front of Mrs. Wahl. I hugged her once more,
told her I loved her, and walked away from her, Maddy, and Anna.
I couldn’t stand in front of her anymore without breaking down
into a million shattered pieces. As I walked into the church, I
spotted a small coat closet in the corner of the lobby and I ran
inside of it. I wasn’t ready to see the fallen faces of Jane’s
loved ones. I couldn’t bear the thought of being in a room full
of people experiencing the same emotions as I was. I truly
didn’t think my heart could take it. My breathing was so loud it
could have been heard from the hall way. I felt weak. I was
ashamed at how fragile I was while Mrs. Wahl was so strong. I
lost a friend but Mrs. Wahl lost a child. I was hiding in a
closet while Mrs. Wahl was outside shaking hands. “Do it for
Mrs. Wahl” I said to myself. “Do it for Jane”. I took a few deep
breaths and opened the door to find Maddy and Anna waiting
outside as if they knew I was in there. They didn’t have to ask
why I was in the coat closet because they already knew and they
wished that they were hidden away too.
Every pew was filled from left to right. Chairs were placed
in the back of the church and people were standing in aisles,
shoulder to shoulder. There was only enough room to breathe. I
was not at all surprised by the crowd. Jane was contagious. Once
you met her, you couldn’t get away. She influenced the lives of
so many people because she made friends everywhere she went. She
lit up a room and made everything a little bit better. Flower
baskets of every color and every type hung from the wooden
ceiling beams. Yellow ribbons scalloped along the pews and
candles were placed on every table. The room was full of life,
just like Jane was. It was as if Jane decorated it herself. As
we walked to the front of the church to our reserved seats, I
looked to my left and saw Jane’s father sitting in the first
pew. He was looking straight ahead at her coffin, not breaking
his stare. His world was crashing down around him but he sat as
still and as strong as a rock, staring at the coffin that held
his little girl who he loved with everything he had. A single
tear rolled down his cheek. It is a scene that my heart will
never be able to let go of. “Carly, what are you doing?” asked
Maddy, looking puzzled. I stood there frozen and captivated by
Mr. Wahl. I couldn’t break my gaze. Again, my heart split a
little deeper.
The ceremony began and I couldn’t stop myself from
thinking, “This is exactly what Jane would have wanted it to be
like.” It was full God’s love and his promise, heartfelt
speeches from her sisters that evoked tears from everyone in the
church, and uproarious laughter as the beautiful stories of her
life were told. I sat there in complete awe of the life that
Jane lived and the lives that she touched. To my surprise, I
felt joy and happiness rather than pain and sorrow. It was a
celebration of her life, not a funeral of her death.
After the picture slide show that was put together by
Anna and Maddy, it was my turn to take the stage. I looked over
at Maddy and reached for her hand in sheer panic. “I really
don’t think I can do this, Mat.” It was obvious from my shaking
words and beads of sweat that I wasn’t lying. “I really can’t do
it” I said with confidence. I wanted nothing more than to stand
up there and gush over my best friend, Jane. I wanted to tell
everyone how forever changed I am because of her and how she
made my life so much more meaningful but I was paralyzed. “I am
going to completely lose it up there”, I confessed with watery
eyes. “Get up there, Car. Do it for Jane.” She shot me a look of
approval but I could tell she wasn’t entirely confident. “Do it
for Jane”, I whispered to myself. As a stood up and made my way
to the podium, Mrs. Wahl reached for my hand and smiled at me.
That was all the strength and motivation I need.
The walk to the podium felt like an eternity. All of
my most favorite memories of Jane came to mind in that minute I
spent walking from the pew to the front of the church. I stared
at my paper that was torn and wrinkled before I mustered up the
courage to look up. Hundreds of eyes were on me. Normally, just
the thought of that would have caused me to coil back and shut
down but instead, I was so powerfully inspired and moved. I felt
so honored to be standing in front of the people who Jane loved
most. The love that radiated from all those people was enough to
make my heart explode and every time my mind thinks back to that
moment, goose bumps cover every inch of my skin. I recited “i
carry your heart” by e.e. cummings.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
After the funeral was finished and people began to file
out of the church, I walked over to Jane’s coffin. I couldn’t
help but smile when I saw what she was dressed in. Her favorite
bright pink summer dress that I have seen her in countless times
covered her body and a yellow bow was tied in her blonde hair.
She looked beautiful. I rested my hand on her cold and lifeless
hand. I gave up trying to hold in the tears. They poured out of
my eyes as words poured out of my mouth. “Thank you, Jane”, I
said as I looked at her and held tightly onto her hand. I
thanked her for showing me how beautiful this life we live is.
I thanked her for teaching me how important it is to show people
that you love them. I thanked her for teaching me that laughter
is always the best medicine and that tomorrow will always be
better than yesterday, no matter how bad it may seem. But most
importantly, I thanked her for showing me that our relationships
that we have with the people we love is the most important thing
in our lives and that love is all that really matters.
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