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Memoir- Final draft (almost done)
By: Carly21 Date: April 7, 2014, 8:12 am
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I remember the day as if it were yesterday. In fact,
it gets clearer as time passes. The feeling that shuddered
through my body when I got the news that traveled from my
mother’s mouth, through the phone, and into my ear is a feeling
that I will never forget. It changed me. It changed the way that
I see and treat life today life today.
I was pushing eighty five on the highway and my
favorite song was playing. I was on my way home from the mall
picking up a few items I needed before I left for a summer
camping trip that I planned with a few of my closest friends.
Jane was one of them. It was senior year summer and we all felt
invincible. We were about to start a new chapter of our lives
where our stories would really begin. We didn’t have a care in
the world. I was the happiest I have ever been and it was hard
to hide the permanent smiles. The bug spray cans and new tent
that I bought bounced around in the back seat as I drove. Jack
and Diane by Bruce Springsteen shook the interior of the car as
I sang along to every word. I felt my phone vibrant in my back
pocket. I reached for it but just as I was about to answer, it
stopped ringing. I had three missed calls from my mom. I smiled,
knowing exactly what she called for. Before I left, she reminded
me three times to not forget the sunscreen. I figured she
thought of something else to remind me of. I was tempted to
pretend I never saw that she called and just speak to her when I
got home because I was less than ten minutes away but I know how
worried she becomes. She picked up quickly after the first ring
but she did not say anything for a few seconds. “Mom?” I replied
to the silence. “Hey Car, Are you almost home?” Her tone was low
and somber which was something that I didn’t hear very often.
“You forgot to tell about something I need, right?” I waited for
her soft chuckle in reply. “Alright Hon, I will just speak to
you when you get home” Right then and there, I knew something
terrible happened. I have never felt so sure about something.
“Mom, what is the matter? Are you okay?” My voice was shaking
and my knuckles were white from clenching the steering wheel.
The tears forming in my eyes blurred the yellow dashes dividing
the road. “Yes, I am fine but I am not going to speak to you
about this when you are driving.” My mother’s usual strong voice
was weak and wobbly. My heart was beating through my chest so
intensely, its outline could have been visible. “Mom, I am not
coming home until you tell me what is going on. What happened?”
Regret flooded my mind the moment I stopped talking. I burned to
know what happened but I was terrified to hear the words that
were about to travel though the phone’s speaker. “Mom, what is
going on?” I swallowed hard, waiting to hear the news that would
tear my world apart. “Jane was in car accident earlier this
morning and died instantly from impact.” I didn’t know that
thirteen words were capable of flipping your life upside down
until that moment. I tried to make words but I was as if I
forgot how. “Car, where are you? Are you close to home? I’m
coming to get you.” It was obvious from her voice that she was
panicking. “I’m on Fred Moore.” Those were the only words I was
able to speak and I am surprised I was able to comprehend where
I was. My body became a blank canvas. Every emotion was washed
out of me, along with the color of my skin. My world stopped
spinning. I felt as if I was a robot. I pulled over onto the
shoulder. The moments after I put my old red explorer in park
are a blur, a memory that left me the moment I climbed into my
mom’s car exerting the last ounce of energy that was not robbed
from my body when I heard of Jane’s death. The world got darker
that day. For a while, the sun shined a little less bright and
life became dull.
We sat in silence as we drove to the church where
Jane’s funeral was held. None of us knew what to say. To be
honest, we didn’t know how to act after we lost Jane. We were in
a trench that we could not dig ourselves out of. Jane was a part
of us. Together we formed an organism, each of us representing
individual parts that worked together to survive. When one part
died, the organism as a whole suffered. It couldn’t function the
way that it used to. Anna and Maddy sat as still as stones,
their faces stained from tears. The church parking lot was at
its capacity except for three fourths of a spot in the back. We
sat in the car for a few moments, preparing ourselves for what
we were about to walk into. A part of me wanted to drive away. I
wanted to drive somewhere so far away that I wouldn’t be able to
find my way back. My heart was beating out of my chest and I
began to feel my face flush. Tears were welling in my eyes and
with one blink, they streamed out uncontrollably. No longer
being able to keep my emotions intact, I began to weep. I
couldn’t stop it. The feelings and emotions that I kept bottled
inside since the day I found out exploded out of me. It was as
if my heart couldn’t hold onto the pain any longer. It had to
let go or it be overcome and stop. It was at this very moment
where Jane’s death became real to me. It slapped me in the face
and knocked me to the ground. It all felt like a dream that I
would soon wake up from and find Jane in the bean bag chair in
the corner of my room that she always sat in where she spent
countless hours painting her nails and telling jokes that had me
rolling on the ground in laughter. I refused to accept the news
that would forever change my life until that moment. Anna
reached over and grabbed my hand. She didn’t say anything
because there wasn’t anything she could say to make it better.
Our hearts were broken, our souls were lost, and our minds were
exhausted. “We need to go now” Maddy said quietly. There was no
life in her voice. It was simply just sound.
We walked as slow as our legs would allow. I could feel
my face swell from the salty tears that were much overdue and my
mouth tasted like pennies. Mrs. Wahl was standing at the top of
church cement stairs, clutching onto a very petite old lady.
“Thanks for coming. It means the world to us.” Hearing her raspy
yet soft voice was the most comforting yet most heartbreaking
feeling. I didn’t know whether to cry or smile. I ended up doing
both. “Mrs. Wahl” I called just loud enough to capture her
attention as she was about to walk into the church. She turned
around to face us and my heart split a bit deeper, something I
didn’t think was possible. I looked at Mrs. Wahl and all I could
see was Jane. They were spitting images of each other,
physically and emotionally. I have always envied the
relationship that Jane had with her mother. It was what I wanted
so badly with mine. She called Jane her “Sunshine Girl”. One
look from Mrs. Wahl and I was catapulted to the memory of her
wrapping her arms around Jane from behind and softly saying “I
love my Sunshine Girl”. Mrs. Wahl looked as if the life was
sucked out of her and she was holding on by a thread. Her hair
doubled in its amount of gray and she looked thinner. Her skin
no longer glowed like it used to when Jane was alive and giant
bags hung under eyes. “My girls” she said with a weary smile.
She embraced all three of us and held on tight. I never wanted
her to let go because when she held us, I felt Jane. “How are
you, Mrs. Wahl?” asked Maddy even though she already knew the
answer. “I’ve been better but I’ll be okay and so will you. Jane
loved you guys more than anything, ya know that right?” Her
voice shook as she spoke. We smiled and nodded. The urge to let
go and lose control of my emotions was stronger than ever but I
couldn’t do that in front of Mrs. Wahl. I hugged her once more,
told her I loved her, and walked away from her, Maddy, and Anna.
I couldn’t stand in front of her anymore without breaking down
into a million shattered pieces. As I walked into the church, I
spotted a small coat closet in the corner of the lobby and I ran
inside of it. I wasn’t ready to see the fallen faces of Jane’s
loved ones. I couldn’t bear the thought of being in a room full
of people experiencing the same emotions as I was. I truly
didn’t think my heart could take it. My breathing was so loud it
could have been heard from the hall way. I felt weak. I was
ashamed at how fragile I was while Mrs. Wahl was so strong. I
lost a friend but Mrs. Wahl lost a child. I was hiding in a
closet while Mrs. Wahl was outside shaking hands. “Do it for
Mrs. Wahl” I said to myself. “Do it for Jane” I took a few deep
breaths and opened the door to find Maddy and Anna waiting
outside as if they knew I was in there. They didn’t have to ask
why I was in the coat closet because they already knew.
Every pew was filled from left to right. Chairs were placed
in the back of the church and people were standing in aisles
shoulder to shoulder. There was only enough room to breathe. I
was not at all surprised by the crowd. Jane was contagious. Once
you met her, you couldn’t get away. She influenced the lives of
so many people because she made friends everywhere she went. She
lit up a room and made everything a little bit better. Flower
baskets of every color and every type hung from the wooden
ceiling beams. Yellow ribbons scalloped along the pews and
candles were placed on every table. The room was full of life,
just like Jane was. It was as if Jane decorated it herself. As
we walked to the front of the church where our seats w
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