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#Post#: 550--------------------------------------------------
Memoir Draft Two
By: Grace Rozanski Date: March 31, 2014, 7:03 am
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Draft two of my memoir!
#Post#: 558--------------------------------------------------
Re: Memoir Draft Two
By: Laisures Date: April 1, 2014, 1:59 pm
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the beginning is much easier to follow along with. Great job at
fine tuning that!
"I thought about how much I thought I hated Jackie and
how it turned out that we had more in common than I had
expected." maybe talk about the things that you guys had in
common before you begin this paragraph. It would be a good way
to lead into this paragraph while also giving more detail.
What did you guys do to give her another chance? Did you just
start being nice to her?
great description of the walk up the stairs.
I really like how well you explained your last day at school and
when you left. very emotional. I felt like I was there.
"“We really have to get going buddy I am so sorry" this is a
sentence fragment. you could put a ; after buddy.
I love what you added in the end. It defiantly draws the story
together. All in all great job!!
#Post#: 563--------------------------------------------------
Re: Memoir Draft Two
By: nuderabr Date: April 1, 2014, 9:17 pm
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I liked your second draft
I really like the very beginning section. The sensory detail
there was really good.
If you can, I would add some examples of specific experiences
that you had with Jackie when you didnt really like Lauren, that
would help to emphasize the fact that her actions and
personality annoyed you. Maybe you could add some examples of
when the three of you were friends too.
When the girls came over for dinner you have 'dinner' written in
quotes. I don't think you need to have those there
When you are leaving on your last day of school. You mention
that when you looked at Lauren "the tears" came stronger. Are
you talking about your tears or hers?
There are a few grammar and spelling mistakes but other than
that you did a really nice job
#Post#: 566--------------------------------------------------
Re: Memoir Draft Two
By: poppsar1 Date: April 1, 2014, 10:00 pm
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The beginning of your story is SO powerful. It really made me
want to keep reading even though I knew what was going to happen
in the story! It's a great hook!
I don't know if this is important, but where did you move from
when you initially moved next to Jackie in Connecticut? Was it
far away for close by/still in Connecticut?
I like your use of short sentences - it makes me feel like the
story is actually written when you were young, but the simple
sentences get right to the point. This is something I struggle
with and I think you do a great job of writing well written,
short sentences!
I love your description of Lauren, it really shows your distaste
for her.
Your sensory detail and diction choices are wonderful throughout
your memoir!
"I began to sweat, but I felt so cold. My feet felt as though
there were cinderblocks tied to the top of them, weighing them
down, making this walk unbearable." Great sensory detail.
"Jackie had asked,
“When do you leave for stupid Michigan?”" You have this as two
different lines, but I think they should just go together.
"I left the bathroom, buried my face in my dad’s chest, and
eventually let him lead me out of East Hampton Middle School." I
like this sentence, but do you think you could tie this back
into the beginning section by using the same sentence or
something so the reader remembers that section of your memoir?
Just check for grammar and spelling mistakes, even though I
didn't see many!
I like how in the last section you are talking in the present
and act like you have kind of been telling the story the whole
time. Like when you said "seven years can do that to you
apparently..." That makes it feel real and me as the reader feel
engaged in the story.
Overall, great job! I think the changes you made were great and
you have a really wonderful memoir written! I like the concept
of the story and you do a great job of teaching the lessons you
learned through these long distance friendships.
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