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#Post#: 549--------------------------------------------------
Draft 2
By: poppsar1 Date: March 31, 2014, 7:01 am
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Here's draft 2!
#Post#: 557--------------------------------------------------
Re: Draft 2
By: Laisures Date: April 1, 2014, 1:36 pm
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I like how you open it up with a flashback. It defiantly drew me
in.
"Cheers
from
ent
this is a great line
"
oversized,
g
the structure of this line is a bit confusing. maybe change
because to but.
Who is coach Onthank and are they important enough to include
there name?
The timing thorughout the story is very good. and same with the
pace. I read the story and did not realize how much I had read.
It is very good. Can't wait to see what you have left to add!
#Post#: 564--------------------------------------------------
Re: Draft 2
By: nuderabr Date: April 1, 2014, 9:38 pm
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you have some repeating words in the same sentences in the
beginning section. This slows down the pace and doesnt really
flow.
I dont think its necessary to state that this other team was
related to each other and practiced by the lake. It doesn't move
the story forward at all.
In the second section when you were pitching, it might be worth
putting in how old you were so the reader can gang a time frame.
same with when your mom drove you to practice but you didnt want
to go
grammar and spelling. You change tense sometimes
I think all the sensory details that you added into your story.
I helped move everything along very nicely
Great Job
#Post#: 569--------------------------------------------------
Re: Draft 2
By: Grace Rozanski Date: April 1, 2014, 11:28 pm
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Great job on your second draft!
-I really like your opening. I think starting with a flashback
is an effective way to hook your reader.
-"Something about that team wanted me to play more, the
friendships, most likely." I would just rephrase this!
-In a few of your sections you jump around in age I think. I
was just wondering if there was a purpose for this? If not,
maybe keep things chronological.
-"Thoughts started rushing through my head, but nothing close to
what he was about to say to me came out of his mouth." This may
just be me, but this sounded a bit confusing when I read it so
maybe rephrase it!
-"I ended up loving playing the sport in this position, only
being so thankful for my teammates support and the faith my
coach had when he picked me for this new position." This
sentence I also found confusing so I would take another look at
it.
-I would also try and make your moral or lesson a little more
clear throughout.
-I think the sensory detail that you added was great, and I
think you could even add a bit more!
Overall great job!
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