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#Post#: 530--------------------------------------------------
Memoir Draft One
By: Grace Rozanski Date: March 24, 2014, 8:12 am
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Draft one of my memoir!
#Post#: 540--------------------------------------------------
Re: Memoir Draft One
By: Laisures Date: March 24, 2014, 8:43 pm
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In the beginning, I am confused about if Jackie is from Michigan
or Conneticut.
"She had the heir of a cheerleader about her and with no
disrespect to cheerleaders; I just knew that I could not handle
such a peppy friend." fix grammer
"a secret handshake was to a friendship, what a wedding proposal
is to a
relationship" great connection
"“What do you think?” I replied caving my eyebrows in as far as
they would go to express
how I was feeling" I think you could take out the 'to express
how I was feeling'
"Even at the age of eight I still had a pretty strong guilty
conscience and it was really
beginning to weigh on me with Lauren." what conscience are you
talking about. Like about being friends with Jackie or being
rude to Lauren?
"Even at the age of eight I still had a pretty strong guilty
conscience and it was really
beginning to weigh on me with Lauren." run on sentence
"We slowly walked to the stairs, and then we walked up them, and
then we got to my
room." maybe reword. Its a little wordy
I loved the story. I actually got emotional.
One thing is what exactly is your moral of the story?
all in all a great story!
#Post#: 542--------------------------------------------------
Re: Memoir Draft One
By: poppsar1 Date: March 25, 2014, 5:02 pm
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Well, I'm really mad because I posted my comment and apparently
it didn't work and now it's gone. So overall, I'm just really
impressed with your paper! I thought you did a great job and it
made me sad, but you seemed to come to terms with moving and
that's a great lesson to learn from it!
"We would trade off every year. One year they would come to
Michigan and the next year I would go to Connecticut." I did
have this sentence that I thought you could correct because it
seems a little repetitive.
There were only a few grammatical errors, but overall I think
you did such a great job on this memoir! I wanted to keep
reading. You did a great job with sensory detail and pacing, as
well. There was one sentence where you talk about moving your
foot on the grain of the wood or something and I thought that
was awesome!
One thing I thought you could work on was when you talked about
going up the stairs. I think you were trying to slow down the
pace, but you're kind of repetitive in the paragraph, so I think
you should take the first part of that paragraph out or add a
little more sensory detail.
When I go to edit next time, I'll try to pick out the things
that I had critiques on, but I think I hit most of them! Great
job :)
#Post#: 546--------------------------------------------------
Re: Memoir Draft One
By: nuderabr Date: March 30, 2014, 5:37 pm
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Great Job! I loved how you started off with the small section
where you were with your dad. It set up the rest of the memoir
nicely.
What about Laurens personality made it so strong? Why were you
so quick to throw her aside and not give her a chance? I know
that you talked about the fact that she was preppy but why did
that bother you? Were you not preppy? Did you not usually choose
those types of friends or maybe some other reason?
How long was it and why did you eventually decide to give Lauren
a chance? And how were you able to befriend her so quickly?
In the middle of the story, page 5, you use the phrase "go-to"
twice in a very short amount of time. I would recommend coming
up with something else for the second one, when youre talking
about your moms facial expression.
Page 5, "we slowly...." you have a lot of "and then"s. This
makes that section seems like it drags on. You can try to
combine the sentences so that it flows better.
When you are leaving school, what about Laurens eyes made you
hurt so much? I would suggest describing her facial expression
and why that hit you so hard.
Are you still friends today? I was a bit confused about that
part.
Great Job! I can't imagine what you must have gone through, I'm
sure this was extremely hard for you. You did a great job
portraying that on paper!
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