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#Post#: 528--------------------------------------------------
Memoir First Draft
By: mcevill7 Date: March 24, 2014, 7:58 am
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First Draft- Still working on the last few mini stories!
(attached document)
#Post#: 544--------------------------------------------------
Re: Memoir First Draft
By: ruther50 Date: March 26, 2014, 7:40 pm
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-I love how the beginning gives background knowledge of how it
was you first started lessons
-I like how you use details like "I squared my nine your old
shoulders.." I think it really adds good details and I can
picture you doing this
-The story in general is funny and fun. I love how you found
your parents soft spot and made the best of a bad situation
-Great sensory details in beginning of second page about the
perfect summer day, I can picture the beautiful horses in the
pastures.
-Like the adjective "smoothed down my skirt"
-I like the transition into your new chapter. The
beginning/intro was very informative, can't wait to see how the
story pans out
- really good details of how your sister and best friend looked
like and acted in the car
-One thing I would be careful with is riding terms, such as
"blaze on his forehead" "horses dotting the pastures", because I
don't know much about horses and riding, I don't really
understand these terms. Maybe flesh them out a bit more,
describe them more in your story
-Maybe mention that Rylee is Kari's daughter's name before you
mention her
-Check grammar and punctuation over a couple more times. I found
a few sentences that could have used commas
-Don't necessarily think "ONLY" needs to be in all caps
-I really like how you subdivided your story into little
chapters. It creates an organized area and is easy to follow
along with
-I am looking forward to seeing how the story ends, especially
the bump in the road chapter
-The small chapter titles are very effective. Very short and
extremely intriguing
-Overall great story. Good idea for a memoir, I can tell from
your writing that you care about these aspects of your life and
are very passionate!
Edits from Kiersten Rutherford
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