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#Post#: 457--------------------------------------------------
Final Draft
By: Laisures Date: February 26, 2014, 9:05 pm
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it attached
#Post#: 463--------------------------------------------------
Re: Final Draft
By: Grace Rozanski Date: February 27, 2014, 4:43 pm
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Great job on your final draft!
-Great imagery in the introduction paragraph!
-I liked that you gave the hyena's a special power to give them
the upperhand
-"He had the ability could turn a wall into fire with firing hot
greens flames, with just the touch of his fingertips." This
sentence needs a little bit of editing
-I really like how your story builds and how there is a clear
climax
-I also really like that this is an underdog story, it teaches a
good lesson and makes it relatable for readers
-I like that the villian does not die in the end, but he is
still defeated in a way
-I also really like the language that you use throughout, it is
very appropriate and very consistent
Overall you did a great job. I really enjoyed reading this
story!
#Post#: 468--------------------------------------------------
Re: Final Draft
By: nuderabr Date: February 27, 2014, 8:37 pm
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Great Job!! I really like this final draft!
-You had some really good sensory details at the very beginning
of the story, however you often added three or more descriptive
words which made the sentences a bit over powering
-there are a couple paragraphs that should be split into two or
more. Remember that a new paragraph needs to be started every
time a thought is changed. Also everyone someone knew speaks you
need a new paragraph too.
- I would suggest maybe adding what the characters were feeling
as the went into battle or you could describe the terror they
felt whenever they thought about Arlmas. Just a couple of
suggestions.
-there are also a couple grammatical mistakes and a few
misspelled words.
Great job overall! I really liked how you took out the part
about the jewels and changed it to food. It made more sense
considering hyenas are known for prying off other animals meals!
Nice job!
#Post#: 472--------------------------------------------------
Re: Final Draft
By: poppsar1 Date: February 28, 2014, 2:47 pm
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-Very descriptive first paragraph, good job!
-I like that you changed it from jewels to food that the hyena’s
wanted.
-“The lion men and fox men had learned this a few years before
the attack when a hyena man and lion man got in a vicious
fight.” I think this is kind of a confusing sentence because it
sounds like the attack and the vicious fight are two different
things to me. Maybe consider revising this sentence
-I like the description of the attack!
-“Only two fox men survived the horrible attack, Giani and
Kifno. The fox men were different than the lion men.” Maybe
separate these two lines into two different paragraphs because
the paragraph is long and it seems like this would be a good
spot to break it up anyways.
-Does it really matter what Giani and Kifno look like? I don’t
think it’s bad that you add it but it slows the story down a
little.
-“…leaving all but the two fox men, dead in their homes.” I
don’t think that comma is necessary… it seems odd
-“…everything from everyone…” Too repetitive
-I like how you say there were no attacks on the mansion and
“The citizens feared the consequences.” It’s very suspenseful
and is kind of a foreshadow for what’s to come.
-“small wooden wagon full of food. It usually consisted of a
few, small, crunchy bugs, some miniature plants (which every
once in a while were poisonous) and a few chewy and tasteless
leaves” kind of contradictory that you said it was full of food
but it only had a few things in it. Also couldn’t the citizens
grow food secretly underground? You should say why they don’t
-“Even though, the two had lost many friends and family in the
attack,” the FIRST comma seems awkward, not necessary.
-Where do the hyena men get their food?
-I don’t mind how you have your dialogue, but I think you’re
supposed to make them into different lines every time someone
new speaks. You have Giani and a lion man speaking in the same
paragraph on pages 4-5
-Good simile with the tumble weeds/fox men
-“The lion men practiced fighting and stabbing as they stabbed…”
I think you should change one of the “stabs” because it’s
repetitive
-Sometimes you capitalize Shuriken’s and sometimes you don’t.
-“All they wanted was the same respect as everyone else and that
is exactly what they were receiving…” I think you mean FROM
everyone else
-Good ending that sums everything up! Overall, great story! The
things I have critiqued you on are more like just grammatical
things, so don’t worry too much! Great job editing!
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