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#Post#: 448--------------------------------------------------
Fantasy Final Draft: READ THIS ONE
By: Grace Rozanski Date: February 26, 2014, 12:11 pm
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Sorry I posted this again, I hadn't expected to do more editing
in class!
#Post#: 466--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fantasy Final Draft: READ THIS ONE
By: poppsar1 Date: February 27, 2014, 6:45 pm
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I love your story, I have since the beginning but you've
developed it very well!
-The first paragraph is slightly long, but very descriptive! I
don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing that it's that long
but It might just be hard to read. Could you break it up at all?
-I love that you put the letter to Milo from his dad in italics.
It really separates it and makes it seem important and a
different part of the story.
-"Just as he let that feeling sink in, the sky above him began
to darken, the wind picked up speed and began to howl." you
could maybe add a little more show than tell here.
-The paragraph that starts with "After a few minutes of
observation..." you have a lot of detail and I think it is very
interesting for that part! I like that you have this because it
explains how similar the cave is to a room on land but how it's
so different than any cave in real life.
-"“This king was brave, kindhearted, and intelligent, but very
lonely...." This paragraph is way too long in my opinion.
-You did a great job of fixing the problems with your quotes!
-I don't think there is much to correct in your story, it's
really great! Maybe just read through to see if there's any
grammatical or spelling errors, just to make sure. Otherwise I
think it's so great!!
#Post#: 467--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fantasy Final Draft: READ THIS ONE
By: nuderabr Date: February 27, 2014, 8:10 pm
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I really like your story! It's come a long way!!
Here are a couple pointers...
-I really like the details you put in at the beginning of Milos
appearance.
-I think you could add more details of exactly how Milo felt
when he heard that his father had died.
-When Zander first explains that Milo is the 'savior' of the
land, you say that he is the prophecy, I think you mean prophet.
-When Zander is explaining the history of the land, every time
you use a tag a new paragraph needs to be started
-I would maybe add more sensory details about how Milo felt when
he learned that he saved these fish people from their terrible
leader
Overall, I love your story!! Wonderful Job!
#Post#: 482--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fantasy Final Draft: READ THIS ONE
By: Laisures Date: March 1, 2014, 8:54 am
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You use a lot of background with I think is good. You also talk
about the background so much that it leads up right into your
story. It blends together well.
Possibly add how Milo was feeling as he watched his brothers die
by the boat. What was he thinking when it was all happening?
You jump right into the note when his father died. Maybe
included more of Milos feelings or the way he reacted.
You could think about giving some background on Zander. How did
he become the prophecy's assistant guy? IS he related to any
royal people. How long has he had that job?
You have strong word choice, ex: "With that painful blow"
Why did Milo rush out so quickly? Where did he need to get to so
quickly?
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