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#Post#: 446--------------------------------------------------
Final Fantasy Draft
By: poppsar1 Date: February 26, 2014, 8:35 am
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Attached is my final draft in PDF and a Word document.
#Post#: 461--------------------------------------------------
Re: Final Fantasy Draft
By: Grace Rozanski Date: February 27, 2014, 4:25 pm
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Great job on your fantasy, it has definitely improved a lot!
-In your second paragraph, the first two or three sentences use
the work "land" or some form of it a lot, so maybe switch it up
a bit!
-Great job adding background on their home planet and on the
rocket ship crash
-"This boy did not care as much about being an adult as he was
excited to be able to explore Danzy as much as he pleased, as
becoming an adult on Danzy gave them the power to do whatever
they want, officially separated from their parents if they so
choose." I would consider rewording this or shortening it
because it is a bit confusing
-I would also maybe consider adding more sensory detail when
talking about their arrival on the planet, not just what they
saw, but what it felt like temperature wise, smells, noises,
etc.
-You say at one point that Max thinks these creatures are
extremely dangerous, but they are very peaceful about their
proposition to the Danzinians and they give them good options to
live so maybe make them seem more violent for vicious
-When Max and Mae see the Arvegues up close for the first time,
that would be a good place to add sensory detail as well!
-I love the ending of the story with Mae reaching for the magic
dust
Overall you did a great job and I loved reading your story!
#Post#: 469--------------------------------------------------
Re: Final Fantasy Draft
By: nuderabr Date: February 27, 2014, 9:16 pm
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great story! I really like the ending!!
-I really liked how you explained that the technology was one
reason that they left their old planet. Its kind of a funny
notion considering technology is taking over our world today!
Great job with that part
-you change point of view a lot. It doesn't make the story that
confusing but it is easier to follow when you only stick to one
character and that characters thoughts and emotions
-I would maybe add more sensory details when they are
adventuring through the woods. What did it looks like? What were
the sounds? things like that
-also maybe add more about how they felt when they found the box
or when they left the planet. both those spots could be great
for sensory details
-there is one plot confusion that I had. You mentioned that the
flockals wanted to live in peace with the people and that
nothing would change other than the fact that neither of them
would be scared of each other. Well then why did the flockals go
onto to destroy the land and what was left of the town and such?
that doesn't seem like they are trying to live in peace.
-one last thing, I would explain what the town looked like. I
pictured it as a bunch of huts all over the place (kind of like
a native american village) but I'm not sure if that was what you
were going for.
Great job with everything! It's a very enjoyable story!!
#Post#: 481--------------------------------------------------
Re: Final Fantasy Draft
By: Laisures Date: March 1, 2014, 8:39 am
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The background of the story is great!
I love this like, there is so much description...its great,
"With long, luscious, red hair, the woman like figure gave
Sheldon a fierce look and jumped
away, out of sight."
I like how you added why their old home was so terrible.
I like the characters Max and Mae because they are very
relate-able. All children go through this exploring stage.
I love your ending...its a typical happy ending...but that is
good! I like how you edited that!
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