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#Post#: 444--------------------------------------------------
Carly McElreath fantasy final
By: Carly21 Date: February 26, 2014, 8:30 am
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I watched my father’s beard whip back and forth as the wind
blasted through window of his old red beat up pickup truck. It
was well below freezing and the window has been cracked the four
hours that we have been traveling. I asked him to roll it up but
was only told that “A little cold air won’t kill ya”. I could
only smile. That’s who my dad is. His exterior is rough around
the edges but inside, he is softer than anyone I know. The
engine roared so loud that every other noise was masked by its
noise. My ears throbbed at the intense roar of the engine and
freezing air mixed together. The Rocky Mountains always seem
more magnificent and striking than the last time I saw them.
Their picturesque appearance completely memorized me that I
didn’t hear my father. “Jake, did you hear me?” My father kept
his eyes glued on the miles of road ahead of him. I could see
the outlines of the mountains in his crystal blue eyes. “I said
that we are to start our hunting right after we get settled in.
If we don’t hunt tonight, we won’t be eatin’ supper.” My dad
smirked. It’s alarming for a father not knowing if he will be
able to feed his child but I am not surprised in the slightest.
My dad didn’t believe in packing food. “Everything we need, we
can find in the woods” is a phrase I have heard him say every
hunting trip that we have ever been on together. My stomach was
growling and making the most peculiar gurgling noises. I didn’t
eat this morning because we hit the road before sunrise but
there was no use telling father.
The highway that we have been traveling on for hours that
appeared to be endless came to an abrupt stop when we hit
Philly’s Peak. Philly’s Peak is the mountain that has housed my
father’s cabin that has been in his family for generations. It
is one of the oldest mountains in the Rockies. It may not be the
tallest and most powerful but it most definitely the most
majestic. It teems with life. There is not one cave not occupied
with creatures and there is not one creek that isn’t powerfully
and elegantly flowing, housing the tastiest salmon. Vibrant
flowers of every color and shape line the creeks. Lush bushes
and ferns cover the moist ground and massive trees reach for
heaven with their roots planted miles deep into the ground.
There is something about this mountain that makes me feel
complete. There is something spiritual about it. Maybe it’s
because when I’m here, I have my dad; which is something that
doesn’t happen to often these days. An unexplainable feeling
takes over me the moment I take my first step onto Philly’s
Peak. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s almost
like magic. It’s the middle of January and the green of the
mountain has been replaced with white. The cool breeze partnered
with warm sunshine has been replaced with temperatures that
could make anyone run and hide. Although snow covered every
piece of the ground and ice covered every tree branch, the
beauty of Philly’s Peak remained the same. In fact, It was
almost more beautiful, something that I never thought to be
possible.
My dad’s old red pickup was rattling violently. I held
my breath, closed my eyes, and said a prayer that we would make
it to the cabin in one piece. The road is just barely wide
enough to fit the four wheels of the truck. It wraps around the
entire mountain and ends when it reaches the cabin. We have been
traveling up the mountain for an hour and we are just barely
half way there. The ice coated road caused the truck to slip and
slide to the left and right. I didn’t doubt our old red truck.
It never failed and I don’t think it ever will. It has the
protection of the mountain. Finally, we approached the drive way
that takes you into the heart of the mountain. The silence of
Philly’s Peak in the dead of winter is deafening. There is
nothing but the sound of my own thoughts and my dad’s heavy
breathing. The mile high snow forced us to park the truck half
way down the driveway and walk by the foot the rest of the way.
The cabin looked the same as it always has. It looked as if it
was about to sink into the ground because of the pounds of wet
snow covering the roof. The pine cone wreath that my mom put on
the red front door years ago was still hanging. My mom and Dad
divorced seven years ago when I was nine. My dad has always
struggled with alcoholism. He has been in and out of rehab more
times than I can count but nothing has changed because I can
still find him every night staring at the television with a half
empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. I understand why my
mother wants him out of her life but I don’t want him out of
mine. He is my dad and I love him regardless of his flaws. I
live with my mother but she allows me to see him when I want
which is few and far between due to his frequent disappearances
where he leaves for weeks at a time without telling anyone a
soul or his unsuccessful trips to rehab. My dad is unpredictable
about almost everything in his life but he has never once
forgotten about our hunting trip at Philly’s Peak. It is our
time. It is our time to be father and son without the
disapproval of my mom and without the influence of alcohol. For
some reason neither he or I can explain, his urge to drink is
nonexistent at Philly’s Peak. It’s as if the mountain is his
cure. The cabin was just as cold as the outside air. As I was
starting a fire in the stove, my dad shouted from the basement
“No need to hunt! Found some extra Venison in the freezer.”
“Thank God” I thought to myself. I was too hungry to exert any
energy. I sat in the big green rocking chair that has been in
the living room for years and was beginning to unravel due to
all the nights my father spent sitting in, telling stories that
would have be rolling on the ground laughing until my stomach
could handle anymore. The smell of the venison entered my
nostrils and relaxed every muscle in my body. To me, I was in
heaven. I was with my dad without the judgment and disapproval
of my mother hanging over our shoulders. We sat together at the
kitchen table and ate dinner. It was quiet but I my dad didn’t
need to day anything to let me know how he felt. I knew he was
exactly where he wanted to be. I crawled into bed and fell
asleep with a smile on my face. That was the best sleep of my
life.
The bright streak of light shining through the window
woke me. I walked to the window and looked outside to find the
most beautiful morning. The sun beams illuminated the snow,
making it look as if the ground was covered in a million
diamonds. I got dressed for the hunt, putting on almost every
layer of gear I owned knowing I would need it. The temperature
was brutally low, hovering between the negatives and the single
digits. I walked down stairs to a plate of bacon, eggs, and a
glass of orange juice. I ate and stepped outside. My father was
chopping wood. If I wasn’t aware that it was my dad, I would of
mistake his massive frame for a bear. He saw my shadow behind
him. “Hello son!” His voice echoed through the trees causing
them to shudder. His grin stretched from ear to ear. “You ready
to hunt and spend some quality time with your favorite father?”
He let out a hearty belly laugh and turned towards the woods. I
followed.
We walked deep into the forest until I swear we would not
be able to find our way out. The snow made it almost impossible
to move at a decent speed and my legs were burning. My feet and
hands had lost all their feeling but the beauty of the woods was
enough to distract me until they completely fell off. The forest
is so simple yet so complex and magnificent. I lose my breath
every time I’m here at Philly’s Peak. “Shhh! Son get down!” My
father got to his knees and crawled to the nearest tree. I
followed. “Wow! He is a beaut isn’t he son?” My father tried his
best to whisper but it still sounded like a quiet shouting. I
couldn’t help but laugh. The largest buck I have ever witnessed
was twenty feet in front of us. I gasped out of pure amazement.
“Son, do not make any noise.” My father already had his gun in
position, waiting for the just the right moment to pull the
trigger. It was the most majestic creature I have ever laid my
eyes on. Its rack was perfectly mounted on its colossal head.
“Shoot dad!” I whispered. The buck was positioned perfectly,
providing my dad with a clear shot that would travel straight
through its heart. I looked at my dad eagerly, wondering why he
hadn’t pulled the trigger yet. His hand was shaking
uncontrollable and his eyes welled with tears. He set the gun
and it sunk into the snow. The buck looked at my dad and then
bolted deeper into the forest. “Dad, are you ok?” My voice
quavered. I couldn’t believe what I just saw. My dad would have
never let an animal like that go. “Well I never….” He sunk into
the snow with his eyes glued to the snow. He shook his head in
disbelief. “I just couldn’t do it, Jake.” His voice cracked.
“The way it looked at me…I just couldn’t do it.” I couldn’t make
words. I had no idea what to say because I wasn’t even positive
that I was looking at my dad. Everything I thought my dad to be
came crashing down before my eyes. He melted into a puddle of
emotions and disappeared into the snow. Something came over my
dad that I can’t explain. Looking into the eyes of that buck
changed him. “I’m going to go see if I can’t spot him again
okay?” He shook his head with his muscles still limp and his
eyes glued to the snow beneath him.
I knew there was no chance of me finding that buck and
even if I was lucky enough to be in its presence again, I would
not tell my father. That animal was not meant to be killed. It
did something that I thought could never be done. It brought my
father to his knees shaking and completely speechless. It meant
something. “But what?” I said aloud. I was on my way back to my
father until I heard a quiet yet striking voice chant “Jake.”
“Jake”, the voice repeated. I looked around but I couldn’t see
anything. My heart began to race and my breathing became heavy.
I tripped over a branch that was hidden in the snow and fell to
the ground, looking around in peer panic. “Who goes there?” I
begin to shout my father’s name. Out of the corner of my eye, I
saw a girls face peak around a tree. “Hello?” I blinked and she
was gone. As soon as I knew it, she was hovering above me. “Calm
down, silly.” A girl no taller than four foot five stood in
front of me. Her skin was tanned and smooth as silk. Long black
hair grazed her bottom and her eyes were piercingly dark. She
seemed to stare directly into my soul and her grin made me
dizzy. She was clothed in large rainforest like- leafs that
formed a dress that clung to her small petite body. I closed my
eyes tightly and opened them to make sure I wasn’t caught in a
dream but there she was, standing at my feet smiling at me with
her head ****ed to one side. I closed my eyes again only to open
them and find her still there. “You’re not dreaming.” She
laughed as I looked around me, trying to make sense of
everything. “Dad! Where are you?” I shouted as I ran to the spot
where I left him. He was nowhere in sight. “Are you going to
calm down so I can explain what is going on or am I going to
have knock you out?” I looked at her in disbelief. “Who are you?
And what did you do with my dad?” She was the most beautiful
thing I have ever seen but quite frankly, her condescending
laugh and sarcastic smirking was beginning to **** me off. “Hey!
Answer me! Who are you? And where is my father?” The tone of my
voice quickly switched. I realized I was shouting. “Why are you
barefoot?” I asked. I had so many questions but that was the
only question I could force out. “Because I hate shoes, that’s
why.” She smiled and from that moment on, I knew she had
complete control over me. “My name is Aryana and I am from the
princess of Copiacova. My father is the King and our kingdom is
in great danger.” Her eyes sparkled and her skin was completely
illuminated. “You are Jake, right?” I could tell by her facial
expression that if I said no, she would crumble in front of me
and probably cry, which is something that I am just not willing
to deal with. “Yeah, that’s me.” She smiled and gasped. “I knew
the scroll was right! I knew it! Oh my goodness, the day has
come! Copiacova will be saved!” She pulled me out of the snow
and hugged me tight, squealing in delight. “What are you talking
about? I have no idea what Copiacova is!” I have never been more
confused in my life. “Follow me.” She said as she began to walk
forward. “Sorry, I really wish I could help you but I think you
have the wrong person. I am going to find my dad. I wish the
best for you and your kingdom.” “I can’t believe you are walking
away from a girl this beautiful.” I thought to myself. “Alright,
suit yourself. But you will freeze to death before you find your
father.” I blocked her out and continued to walk away. “This is
your fate, Jake. You are not going to find him.” There was
something about her voice that convinced me. I believed her
without any doubt. “I can’t believe I’m doing this” I said as I
began to follow her. “I knew you’d do the right thing!” She
smiled and I followed her deeper into the forest where I would
soon experience something that would change my life forever.
We walked until we reached a wall of vine hanging in
front of an opening of a cave. “Okay, on the count of three, you
must close your eyes and walk through the vines. Do you
understand?” The confidence in her voice reassured me that
everything was going to be okay. “You are our hero, Jake.” My
heart was beating so fast but not due to the fact that I was
walking into something that I had no idea what to expect. It was
beating because of the fear of letting Aryana down. I held her
hand, closed my eyes, and walked through the vine wall. “You can
open your eyes now, Jake”. I opened my eyes to a completely
different world. The cold brisk air and snow was replaced with
humid moist air and lush trees and bushes. Tropical flowers of
every color covered the ground and animals of all species walked
the ground. “Whoa”. That was the only word that I could manage
to speak. I looked at this beautiful world in amazement. The
world that I was in just moments ago could not be more opposite
than the world I was in now. “It’s beautiful isn’t?” Aryana was
completely in her element and even more beautiful, which was
something I didn’t think was possible. Copiacova was
breathtaking. It teemed with life. It was magical. A group of
giggling fairies flew past me and softly brushed my nose. “Were
those fairies Aryana?” She smiled. “They are my most favorite
creatures!” Aryana whistled and suddenly, a giant dragon fly
whose wing span had to be at least twenty feet wide landed next
to us. I screamed and Aryana laughed. “This is Arthur. Hop on!”
she said excitedly. “Hop on?” I asked. She grabbed my hand and
pulled me on. Arthur flew above the trees of Copiacova. I have
never seen anything so beautiful. It was as if I entered a
picture book. My heart was beating so fast I swear I could see
its shape though my shirt. “My father has an evil brother named
Scotland and he is threatening to take over Copiacova with his
powers that are stronger than my fathers. He has the power of
dark breath.” I was lost. “What is dark breath?” I asked with a
very confused look on my face. “He has the ability to destroy
nature with only his breath. Once he applies his breath,
everything will shrivel and die, turning Copiacova into a dark,
dead, and desolate place.” She was no longer smiling. “And I am
the one everyone is depending on?” I began to panic. “I can’t do
this, Aryana. I think you have the wrong person.” I definitely
knew it couldn’t be my name in that scroll. I am weak and
skinny; someone definitely not fit to fight an evil man. “You
are the boy in the scroll that is destined to save Copiacova
from Scotland!” She gave me a look of reassurance.
Arthur landed next to a beautiful and extravagant castle.
“This is my father’s castle.” She brought me into the castle and
to her father who was sitting in his throne. “Jake? Is that
really you?” The king’s voice was loud and deep. “It’s true,
father. This is him.” Aryana looked back at me and ushered me
towards him. “I am Jake, your majesty.” I couldn’t control my
shaking. The king reached behind his throne and pulled out a
sword covered in jewels of every color. “This is the sword that
you are to slay Scotland with.” He looked me up and down, not
fazed by my small frame. He actually looked confident in me.
“Sir, I’ve never fought with a sword before. I’ve never even
fought anyone.” The king smiled. “Trust me, son. Once this sword
is in your hands, you will know what to do. You are the boy from
the scrolls. You will prevail.” He nodded at me. “Okay, your
majesty. I will do my best.” I grabbed the sword from his hand,
hugged Aryana goodbye, and mounted myself back onto Arthur. He
took me to Scotland and his kingdom, which was a colorless place
full of fear and loss. Before I left, the king told me that I
would find Scotland in his cave where he resided. Arthur brought
me exactly to that place. I took a deep breath, clenched the
sword in both of my hands, and walked into the cave. It was
exactly how I imagined it to be. Black sludge dropped from the
sharp pointed rocks that hung from the ceiling and the smell
nearly made me upchuck my previous meal. He was facing one of
the walls of the cave. Before he saw me, he said “I thought you
would be coming to visit me soon.” He faced me and smiled.
Scotland was tall and very thin. He has lost almost all of his
hair and his facial features were sharp. I darted at him with
the sword and he pulled out his. I do not know what came over me
but I suddenly knew exactly what to do with the sword. The sword
became weightless in my hands. Its weight no longer dragged me
down, making it nearly impossible to walk. It was as if I have
been sword fighting for years. It only took one swipe of my
sword. The blade went through his heart and Scotland fell to the
ground. The dark breath that was inside him left him and
dispersed once it entered the air. I heard the roar of cheers
from the people and creatures of Copiacova. I defeated Scotland.
Suddenly, I found myself next to my dad sitting in the
snow. He was exactly where I left him, sunken into the snow
still in disbelief. “I don’t know what happened, Jake. I am
ashamed.” He was still hung up on the incident with the buck.
“Don’t be dad. That buck was meant to live.” I smiled because I
knew exactly why that buck lived. It belonged to the kingdom of
Copiacova.
#Post#: 464--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carly McElreath fantasy final
By: vanesse3 Date: February 27, 2014, 4:57 pm
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-I really like how your story starts out as a very realistic
story, but then the fantasy comes in, this makes it all seem
more realistic
-You did a really god job describing Aryana and the scene when
Jake first met her, it did a lot of showing instead of telling
-I think you need to have your speaking parts on a different
line
-I think having the evil twin's name Scotland made it kind of
confusing if it was a person or a kingdom
-Your story was really good! You really added a lot of detail
and a good ending to your last draft
#Post#: 478--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carly McElreath fantasy final
By: sarafredrick Date: February 28, 2014, 7:05 pm
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-Great imagery/sensory detail in paragraph two!
-Pacing is good; made the story easy to read
-I like your addition of fantasy elements into the story! The
hunting trip and buck threw me off--I actually didn't know what
to expect but it made complete sense and was interesting!
#Post#: 495--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carly McElreath fantasy final
By: oliver Date: March 9, 2014, 6:08 am
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You did a really nice job describing imagery with sensory
details.
I thought the pacing was nice.
I like all the additions since the last draft.
Nice happy ending.
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