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#Post#: 442--------------------------------------------------
Fantasy Final Draft
By: nuderabr Date: February 26, 2014, 7:22 am
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Here's my final draft!!
#Post#: 451--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fantasy Final Draft
By: Grace Rozanski Date: February 26, 2014, 7:48 pm
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Great job, your story turned out really well!
-I like the detail that you added in the beginning about
everyone leaving Silas' land to go to the City of Light
-Maybe add some more sensory imagery when describing Venice
because that is a good opportunity to do so
-You did a good job narrowing down the background detail in the
beginning
-You could also add some sensory detail when Alec is sinking in
the water
-This is kind of a random idea, but maybe make Matthias have
blonde hair instead of dark since he is from the City of Light,
just to go with the theme of the city. Just a suggestion
though!
-I like the background that you added with how they came to be
underwater
-I don't think you really had a point where Alec decided he
should go on the mission and accept his fate, maybe add that
moment in
-Great description of the dragon
-I still would suggest adding more of a definite ending, just to
give readers some closure!
-Also there are some minor grammar issues throughout
Overall your story is great and I think it has really improved!
Good job!
#Post#: 471--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fantasy Final Draft
By: poppsar1 Date: February 28, 2014, 2:46 pm
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-What’s the title of your fantasy? I think you should make a
creative one for this story!
-You could probably add a little more show instead of tell in
the first part about Matthias and his brothers.
-Maybe describe the decorative room that he was in? Not too
much, but do some show instead of tell so the reader can
understand where Alec is and how he feels about it
-Adriel is very abrupt about telling Alec things – she doesn’t
really inform him on anything, she just kind of says go to bed
and this is what you need to do. When I read it, I think of her
as saying it in a very monotone voice. Is that what you were
going for? If not maybe add some context or inflection to better
understand it!
-It’s weird that Matthias calls him his son…I think that any man
that fell into the water or whatever happened to him would have
been the one to complete this mission, right? So why is Alec
Matthias’s son? Or is that kind of just a general term?
-“This time they were black instead of white, Alec was very
relieved.” Why? Is it just because he doesn’t like white? I
think you should consider rewriting/rewording this sentence.
It’s just weird to me, but that’s just a suggestion!
-Maybe describe what Alec was feeling when he first saw Silas
more than just “terror flooded Alec’s veins”
-Are you writing a sequel to this story? If so, please let me
know so I can read it. I want to know what happens to Alec.
Paris said that he would get to go home and he doesn’t…so I
think you need to either take that part out where she says that,
make her seem less sure of herself when she says it, or explain
the ending and what happens to Alec better. I really like your
story and I know you’ve ignored my comment of how to change the
ending two times already (which is totally fine!) I just find it
hard to read and I want more. Which is also totally fine if
you’re going to write a sequel. Even if you just added an ending
like “then Silas sent him back home and he awoke on the side of
the rive in Venice…” But I totally get it if you don’t want to
listen to me because it’s your story and I’m sure other people
love your ending! I really like the whole story over all, great
job!
#Post#: 480--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fantasy Final Draft
By: Laisures Date: March 1, 2014, 8:26 am
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The back ground is good, but the very first sentence it a little
much. I had so many questions after reading the first line
"Using the cover of night he climbed the spiraling tower and
into the Room of Light." i love this line. you do a great job at
showing instead of telling here.
I also like how you explained the 4 territories and rulers
before you talk about Alec.
you use so much detail throughout....it makes your story so
strong. I love it!
side note with grammar, revised the punctuation ex: "If you use
him wisely he will return to you what is truly yours.’"I think
you could use a comma after wisely.
I am confused with this sentence. "At this point the had become
dragon furious"
"“Now that you have your precious treasure you may leave.” Silas
calmly spoke." who is he talking to here?
I like it all in all, the ending is still open ended, but now
that I reread it, I kind of like it more.
Nice job!
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