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#Post#: 367--------------------------------------------------
Taylor's second draft
By: mcevill7 Date: February 19, 2014, 6:58 am
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The Tier
The bell rang and I opened my eyes up with a start. I peeled my
face out of my open history book and tried to avoid the glare of
my teacher, Mrs. Finch. She walked over to my desk, heels
clicking on the tile floor. “You need to try harder, Noah. I
better see some improvement next class.” Trying not to roll my
eyes, I mumbled a response and shoved my books into my backpack,
quickly walking out of the class. I could feel Mrs. Finch
staring at the back of my head. I burst into the crowded hallway
as kids bustled around, filled with renewed end of the day
excitement. I put my head down and weaved between the sea of
people to my locker.
I walked out of school and onto the bus that waited for me. I
slid into an empty seat in the back of the bus. Sweat trickled
down my neck. It was October, but the Arizona heat never let up.
As the bus pulled away I let the hot wind from the open window
blow in my face, I was excited to get home. Tomorrow was my 13th
birthday, and I knew that my parents had something fun planned
for tonight. The bus stopped at the end of my long driveway. I
nodded at the bus driver and jumped off the steps. I squinted
in the bright sun that glinted off the tops of the mountains
surrounding the property. No houses to the left, or right, just
mountains and grass that wanted to be green, but was more of a
dull yellow.
I walked through the front door and a wall of cool washed over
me. I dropped my back pack and headed to the kitchen. “Mom!” I
yelled expecting to see her standing at the island, chopping up
vegetables for dinner like she usually was. The cutting board
just sat on the counter, an un-chopped pepper lay next to it. I
walked to my Dad’s workshop. “Dad!” I called out as I walked
down the basement stairs. He wasn’t standing over his stupid toy
helicopters like he usually was, the work shop was untouched,
like he hadn't been in there all day. Both of them work from
home, they should be here.
I smiled a little, they must be planning something big for my
birthday! I ran back upstairs, placed the pepper in the fridge
and grabbed a Gatorade and leftover piece of pizza. Flopping on
the couch I turned on the Xbox to play Halo. Afternoon light
faded and the evening sunset shined orange rays of light across
the hardwood floor. I took out my cell phone and called Mom’s
phone first, then Dad’s, no answer. I crunched my eyebrows
together in confusion. I opened the garage door, both of their
cars sat in front of me, untouched. Panic crept into the back of
my throat, I shrugged it away and walked back into the house. I
turned the hard metal lock. They had been gone too long to be
planning a birthday surprise. I jumped back in panic when a loud
noise came from the kitchen. Breathing fast I walked in, it was
just the ice maker. I rolled my eyes at my irrational fear. I
called Mom and Dad’s phones again, no answer.
Who else would I call? I took out our family phone book and
flipped through it. Both my parents were only children, no aunt,
or uncle’s names started back at me. I don’t even think my
parents had any friends. The only numbers in the book were for
takeout or handy men. I wracked my brain as I looked outside,
sunset turned into dusk, followed by a blanket of darkness
snuffing out all light of day, leaving me in a dark and
unsettling world. Alone. Panic swept through me. I took the
stairs two at a time to my parents bedroom. Their bed was made
neatly and everything was in its place, just as it always was. I
searched for anything, something that might tell me where they
were. I reached in coat pockets finding nothing more than
receipts for gas, or an empty gum wrapper. I let out a
frustrated sigh as I tore the desk apart, in a panicked fashion.
My hand wrapped around a big brass key. I had never seen it
before. I turned it over in my hand. It was thick and rusted;
maybe for an old door. The top of the key twisted into what
looked like two hands holding each other. I slipped it in the
pocket of my cargo shorts and went back downstairs.
I picked up the phone and ran my thumb above the nine, then the
one. I stopped dialing. I didn’t know what to say. I hung the
phone back up. If the police came, they would take me away from
my parents because they left me here all alone. I gritted my
teeth, I walked in every room in the house, looking for answers
that weren’t there. Tears welled behind my eyes and I tried to
keep them from spilling over.
I walked downstairs again to my Dad’s big workshop. I shoved a
stupid helicopter off the table and it hit the floor, hard.
Pieces went every which way. I hated how he worked on these
things all the time, like a little kid. I tore books off the
shelf and threw them on the ground my hands shook with
adrenaline. I balled them into fists and looked around, my anger
subsided like air going out of a ballon. I began to pick up
pieces of the helicopter and put them back on the large metal
table. I started to put books back on the shelf as Dad had left
them. I looked at the clock that glowed in the corner, midnight.
As I placed the last book on the shelf, I felt a click. Stepping
back I looked around. The book case began to rotate. It stopped
vertical to me, I stared into darkness.
Quickly, I grabbed a flashlight out of a toolbox and flicked it
on. I gripped it tight, my sweaty palms making it hard to hold
the thin handle. Light illuminated a long hallway. It was
narrow, with nothing but grey sleek walls. I stepped inside. I
took a few more steps and then hesitated as the hallway turned a
corner. I looked over my shoulder, the bookcase disappeared from
my vision. At the end of the the hallway was a metal square,
right in the middle of the wall. I walked to it and shined my
flash light on it. I tried to push it inward, like a button, it
didn’t budge. I waved my hand in front of it, nothing. I leaned
closer to it, eye level with the box I studied it. A light burst
out and scanned my eyes. I blinked in shock, but stayed still. A
voice boomed from no where “access granted.” A buzzer went off
and the wall in front of me completely disappeared.
I stared into one of the smallest rooms I had ever seen. Only
one person or maybe two could fit in it. Why was this here?
Panic gripped me and I jogged back to the book case, I let out a
strangled scream when I realized the book case had closed, I
couldn’t get out. I ran at it, pushing with all my might. The
walls of the dark hallway stretched above me, shadows jumped on
them like dark hands reaching out, constricting my throat, and
chest. I was trapped.
I had no choice but to go back into that tiny room. I ran my
hands over the cold walls, feeling for a handle, a button,
anything. Thats when the wall in front of me reappeared, and I
was standing in that tiny room, with no way out. All of a
sudden I was plummeting downward, I wasn’t in a room at all, I
was in an elevator. I sat down on the floor unable to keep my
balance. My stomach churned. All of a sudden I lurched sideways,
then down again. My mind jumbled. I was dizzy and felt sick. I
lost grip of my flashlight and it went flying sending light
every which way as it bounced off the walls. Then just as fast
as it had begun, it was over and everything was still. The same
wall in front of me melted away and I blinked my eyes in shock.
I was in a huge circular room. Dim lights illuminated an
underground world. Stairs were carved into the sandstone sides,
leading to distant hallways. I looked up, the rows of stair and
hallways continued above me until they disappeared into
darkness. A small pond glinted in the center, lanterns flickered
on the walls. There was no sign of life. a familiar buzzing
noise made me look up. Little helicopters flew everywhere above
me, flying down holes above stairs that led into black
hallways. The buzzing of their propellers comforted me. Maybe my
parents were here. I started walking around the circular ground
floor. Dampness crept through my clothes and into my very core.
I heard the echoing of foot steps, I ducked into a hallway and
peaked around the corner. A women emerged from the opening
across from the one I was hiding in. It wasn’t just any women,
it was Mrs. Finch. I had to cover my mouth with my own hand to
stop from gasping aloud. She looked different here. Instead of
fancy teacher clothing, she wore jeans and a black leather
jacket. Her noisy high heels were replaced by black combat
boots, slick blonde hair was pulled into a tight ponytail at the
nape of her neck. I stepped out of the shadows. “Mrs. Finch?” I
spoke. Her eyes widened when she saw me and she ran toward me.
“Noah, you’re okay”, she wrapped me in her arms. I hugged her
back, so relieved I was no longer alone.
“What are you doing here?” I asked her, “where are my parents?”
She sighed and looked around nervously, “we can’t talk here”.
She took my shoulders and guided me down the hallway she just
came from, she made a series of sharp turns before stopping at a
door, carved into sandstone, she pushed me inside. The room was
circular as well. It had a table and chairs and weird equipment
on all sides. Mrs. Finch pulled out a chair.
“Noah sit down”, she said. I just sat in the seat like a robot,
my eyes drooped, I looked around for a clock.
“Noah your parents are dead.” Mrs. Finch spoke softly hazel
eyes searched mine trying to gauge my reaction.
“What!” I sputtered “Why, how?” I tried not to cry but it was
no use tears spilled over and I paced the room.
Mrs. Finch calmly continued to talk.
“Your parents, they are in charge of this place. It is called
The Tier. They are scientists, they create these helicopters,
they send them into the world, invisible to the human eye. The
helicopters are looking for people. When they find them they
bring them back here to this place.”
“What kind of people?” I interrupted. Mrs. Finch sighed.
“These people are not meant to be on our earth, Noah. Long ago,
when our planet was formed it is said that a piece broke off,
flying into space. That piece formed a new planet, very unlike
our own. The creatures there don’t have laws, rules, or any type
of government. Any crime is legal, and it is every man for
themselves. We call it Planet Red. Planet Red has been sending
their humans here, making them look like our own. They are the
reason we have crimes, people killing people. With all these
creatures gone, we would have peace.”
I sat back in the chair and tried to let it all sink in. This
wasn’t just a large cave of rooms, it was a jail.
“So who killed my parents?” I asked.
She looked at me with sympathetic eyes and continued,
“The leader of Planet Red, caught on to what your parents were
doing, capturing the creatures, returning them to their original
state, and then making them disappear into dust. The leader was
angry. He came to this planet. He got your parents, and he is
still out there. We must find him. He is the most dangerous of
them all, and if we let him live among us, many people will die.
You weren’t supposed to find out about all of this until you
turned sixteen, but considering the circumstances, I had to tell
you.”
I sat back in the chair rooted there. I had so many more
questions, my eyes drooped again, what time was it? Mrs. Finch
ushered me from the chair back into the dim hallways. We went up
a level and turned to the first door. It was a small room with a
bed.
“You will be safe in here tonight”, said Mrs. Finch. “ I am
right next door if you need me.” I walked to the bed and let
tears lull me into a deep, dream less sleep.
I awoke with a start, yesterday’s events washing over me like
an icy cold wave, gripping me with it’s strength and pulling me
to reality. Sitting next to me was cereal, and an old pocket
watch. I gripped it like a life line and opened it. Eleven in
the afternoon. I yearned for the bright Arizona sunlight. I ate
quickly and walked out my door. I weaved through hallways, until
I saw a door with a light glowing from underneath it. I pushed
the door open carefully. There was no one in the room, but it
was lined with little vaults, thousands of them that went up in
a circular fashion. I tapped on one of the vaults, cold metal
stinging my finger. It popped open without protest. I jumped
back. Inside there was a photo, or should I say, mugshot. A man
in his mid thirties with eyes as black as night looked back at
me. Underneath it read. Mason Tred, murder in the first degree,
assault and battery. I moved on to another vault, Johnna Buck.
Arson and serial murders across Chicago.
These were the people my Dad was catching. I looked around me,
he had caught thousands, how many more were there? I tried to
hold back the cereal I had just eaten. If these people were bad,
how much worse was their leader? Black spots appeared in front
of my eyes as I tried not to think of what had become of my
parents. Tears wet my face and I pushed them away.
I left the vault and wandered to find Mrs. Finch. She was in a
room tinkering with helicopters. She showed me how they worked,
becoming invisible to the human eye, they detected something in
these creatures that were not in humans. Dark spots in their
hearts that did not belong in ours. They touched them with a
sharp needle and exploded them into dust. I turned the
helicopters around in my hand, small, only the size of my palm.
Every time one was captured a new vault appeared, with a new
sheet of paper.
Mrs. Finch explained to me that the leader, identified as Jacv,
was able to disguise the black part of his heart. Dad had been
working on another helicopter to detect him by looking past his
disguise.
“He was successful but has not told me where the helicopter
is, I have looked everywhere”, said Mrs. Finch.
I closed my eyes and tried to think. Oh no. I looked at Mrs.
Finch.
“There was a helicopter in my Dad’s workshop. I was mad,
because he wasn’t home”. I looked down and shifted from foot to
foot. “ I pushed it off the table, it broke.”
Mrs. Finch grabbed my arm and pulled me back to the door where
I had entered The Tier. We went back in that awful elevator and
down the winding hallway. We stopped at the bookcase, Mrs. Finch
tried to push it open but it wouldn’t budge. She sighed in
frustration.
“It’s not supposed to shut”, she said.
I ran my hands along the bookcase, my fingers stopped over a
raised rusty key hole. I gasped and pulled the key out of my
pocket, I studied it. Two hands held each other. It made so much
sense now, two worlds, coming together. I placed the key
perfectly in the hole. It clicked into place and the bookcase
slid open. I was filled with instant relief when I saw my dad’s
workshop. It crept into me like summer snuffs out a cold
winter’s day. I gathered all the pieces of the helicopter and
set them next to each other on the table. Mrs. Finch got to work
trying to put it back together. I watched her closely, maybe I
could be like my Dad one day, fighting off evil.
It took hours for Mrs. Finch to fix the helicopter. It was
almost nightfall again when she clicked the last piece into
place. I knew it was fixed when the helicopter made a familiar
buzzing noise. Mrs. Finch still looked concerned.
“To get it to work your Dad would always put his thumbprint on
it.” She sighed, looking perplexed.
“What if I tried?” I said.
I walked up and placed my thumb on the the top. It glowed
green, and then flew into the air I quickly opened a window so
it could fly out. I looked at my thumb where I had touched the
helicopter. It still glowed green. I closed my eyes and I could
see where the helicopter was going. It flew through the
mountains and into the city. It buzzed through dark alleys until
it got to a run down warehouse. My heart beat quickly as I saw
Jacv’s face. I gasped, I was the helicopter, and the helicopter
was me. I was telling it what to do. It attacked Jacv, hitting
him and catching him off guard. He got up and tried to swat it
away, but I knew he would, and I was faster, the helicopter was
faster. I urged it upward and back down on Jacv’s head. It
turned him into stone and he exploded in dust. Victory. Tears
slid down my cheeks as I opened my eyes, urging my helicopter to
return. I looked at Mrs. Finch.
“Great job Noah. Your father would be so proud. If it’s okay
with you I will stay here with you, help train you.”
I smiled, I missed my parents with my whole heart, but I had to
finish what they started, I was glad I would have Mrs. Finch by
my side to help me. My helicopter flew back toward the window
towards me, I could almost see another vault with Jacv’s name
appear. But this was not over, there were many more vaults to
fill, creatures to catch. I clutched my helicopter like a
lifeline, I would find them all.
#Post#: 376--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taylor's second draft
By: ruther50 Date: February 19, 2014, 6:59 pm
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I love the concept of the ending. I like how the broken
helicopter now has an important role in the ending. I would
definitely elaborate more on the takedown of Jacv. If he is the
most powerful, strong and leader of all criminals he shouldn't
be taken down so easily. I would just add more to the ending in
that sense. Make it a real battle, because he shouldn't just go
down easy. I really do love this concept though, it is very well
thought out. I love that these criminals are from another
planet! Grammar seems good, I didn't catch any spelling errors.
Only other thing, make sure to create new paragraphs for each
new dialogue.
#Post#: 413--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taylor's second draft
By: caseyholland Date: February 23, 2014, 11:18 pm
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Like I said in class, I really love the concept of this story. I
love that you introduced Mrs. Finch and came back to give her a
more important role.
One thing I'd say is maybe elaborate a little bit more on her
relationship with Noah's parents - I'm assuming she's also a
part of The Tier, but what's her part with it? Is she also a
scientist? Are there others? I like the idea of The Tier but
feel like you could elaborate a little bit more on the
organization in general, like whether Noah's parents were the
only members, how many other members there are, etc.
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