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#Post#: 331--------------------------------------------------
Taylor Fantasy first draft
By: mcevill7 Date: February 13, 2014, 4:58 pm
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The Tier
The bell rang and I opened my eyes up with a start. I peeled my
face out of my open history book and tried to avoid the glare of
my teacher, Mrs. Finch. She walked over to my desk, heels
clicking on the tile floor. “You need to try harder, Noah. I
better see some improvement next class.” Trying not to roll my
eyes, I mumbled a response and shoved my books into my backpack,
quickly walking out of the class. I could feel Mrs. Finch
staring at the back of my head. I burst into the crowded hallway
as kids bustled around, filled with renewed end of the day
excitement. I put my head down and weaved between the sea of
people to my locker.
I walked out of school and onto the bus that waited for me. I
slid into an empty seat in the back of the bus. Sweat trickled
down my neck. It was October, but the Arizona heat never let up.
As the bus pulled away I let the hot wind from the open window
blow in my face, I was excited to get home. Tomorrow was my 13th
birthday, and I knew that my parents had something fun planned
for tonight. The bus stopped at the end of my long driveway. I
nodded at the bus driver and jumped off the steps. I squinted
in the bright sun that glinted off the tops of the mountains
surrounding the property. No houses to the left, or right, just
mountains and grass that wanted to be green, but was more of a
dull yellow.
I walked through the front door and a wall of cool washed over
me. I dropped my back pack and headed to the kitchen. “Mom!” I
yelled expecting to see her standing at the island, chopping up
vegetables for dinner like she usually was. The cutting board
just sat on the counter, an un-chopped pepper lay next to it. I
walked to my Dad’s workshop. “Dad!” I called out as I walked
down the basement stairs. He wasn’t standing over his stupid toy
helicopters like he usually was, the work shop was untouched,
like he hadn't been in there all day. Both of them work from
home, they should be here.
I smiled a little, they must be planning something big for my
birthday! I ran back upstairs, placed the pepper in the fridge
and grabbed a Gatorade and leftover piece of pizza. Flopping on
the couch I turned on the Xbox to play Halo. Afternoon light
faded and the evening sunset shined orange rays of light across
the hardwood floor. I took out my cell phone and called Mom’s
phone first, then Dad’s, no answer. I crunched my eyebrows
together in confusion. I opened the garage door, both of their
cars sat in front of me, untouched. Panic crept into the back of
my throat, I shrugged it away and walked back into the house. I
turned the hard metal lock. They had been gone too long to be
planning a birthday surprise. I jumped back in panic when a loud
noise came from the kitchen. Breathing fast I walked in, it was
just the ice maker. I rolled my eyes at my irrational fear. I
called Mom and Dad’s phones again, no answer.
Who else would I call? I took out our family phone book and
flipped through it. Both my parents were only children, no aunt,
or uncle’s names started back at me. I don’t even think my
parents had any friends. The only numbers in the book were for
takeout or handy men. I wracked my brain as I looked outside,
sunset turned into dusk, followed by a blanket of darkness
snuffing out all light of day, leaving me in a dark and
unsettling world. Alone. Panic swept through me. I took the
stairs two at a time to my parents bedroom. Their bed was made
neatly and everything was in its place, just as it always was. I
searched for anything, something that might tell me where they
were. I reached in coat pockets finding nothing more than
receipts for gas, or an empty gum wrapper. I let out a
frustrated sigh as I tore the desk apart, in a panicked fashion.
My hand wrapped around a big brass key. I had never seen it
before. I turned it over in my hand. It was thick and rusted;
maybe for an old door. The top of the key twisted into what
looked like two hands holding each other. I slipped it in the
pocket of my cargo shorts and went back downstairs.
I picked up the phone and ran my thumb above the nine, then the
one. I stopped dialing. I didn’t know what to say. I hung the
phone back up. If the police came, they would take me away from
my parents because they left me here all alone. I gritted my
teeth, I walked in every room in the house, looking for answers
that weren’t there. Tears welled behind my eyes and I tried to
keep them from spilling over.
I walked downstairs again to my Dad’s big workshop. I shoved a
stupid helicopter off the table and it hit the floor, hard.
Pieces went every which way. I hated how he worked on these
things all the time, like a little kid. I tore books off the
shelf and threw them on the ground my hands shook with
adrenaline. I balled them into fists and looked around, my anger
subsided like air going out of a ballon. I began to pick up
pieces of the helicopter and put them back on the large metal
table. I started to pick back up books and place them neatly on
the shelf as Dad had left them. I looked at the clock that
glowed in the corner, midnight. As I placed the last book in
it’s place I felt a click. Stepping back I looked around, the
book case began to rotate. It stopped vertical to me, I stared
into darkness.
Quickly, I grabbed a flashlight out of a toolbox and flicked it
on. I gripped it tight, my sweaty palms making it hard to hold
the thin handle. Light illuminated a long hallway. It was
narrow, with nothing but grey sleek walls. I stepped inside. I
took a few more steps and then hesitated as the hallway turned a
corner. I looked over my shoulder, the bookcase disappeared from
my vision. At the end of the the hallway was a metal square,
right in the middle of the wall. I walked to it and shined my
flash light on it. I tried to push it inward, like a button, it
didn’t budge. I waved my hand in front of it, nothing. I leaned
closer to it, eye level with the box I studied it. A light burst
out and scanned my eyes. I blinked in shock, but stayed still. A
voice boomed from no where “access granted.” A buzzer went off
and the wall in front of me completely disappeared.
I stared into one of the smallest rooms I had ever seen. Only
one person or maybe two could fit in it. Why was this here?
Panic gripped me and I jogged back to the book case, I let out a
strangled scream when I realized the book case had closed, I
couldn’t get out. I ran at it, pushing with all my might. The
walls of the dark hallway stretched above me, shadows jumped on
them like dark hands reaching out, constricting my throat, and
chest. I was trapped.
I had no choice but to go back into that tiny room. I ran my
hands over the cold walls, feeling for a handle, a button,
anything. Thats when the wall in front of me reappeared, and I
was standing in that tiny room, alone, with no way out. All of a
sudden I was plummeting downward, I wasn’t in a room at all, I
was in an elevator. I sat down on the floor unable to keep my
balance. My stomach churned. All of a sudden I lurched sideways,
then down again. My mind jumbled. I was dizzy and felt sick. I
lost grip of my flashlight and it went flying sending light
every which way as it bounced off the walls. Then just as fast
as it had begun, it was over and everything was still. The same
wall in front of me melted away and I blinked my eyes in shock.
I was in a huge circular room. Dim lights illuminated an
underground world. Stairs were carved into the sandstone sides,
leading to distant hallways. I looked up, the rows of stair and
hallways continued above me until they disappeared into
darkness. A small pond glinted in the center, lanterns flickered
on the walls. There was no sign of life. a familiar buzzing
noise made me look up. Little helicopters flew everywhere above
me, flying down holes above stairs that led black hallways. The
buzzing of their propellers comforted me. Maybe my parents were
here. I started walking around the circular ground floor.
Dampness crept through my clothes and into my very core.
I heard the echoing of foot steps, I ducked into a dark hallway
and peaked around the corner. A women emerged from the opening
across from the one I was hiding in. It wasn’t just any women,
it was Mrs. Finch. I had to cover my mouth with my own hand to
stop from gasping aloud. She looked different here. Instead of
fancy teacher clothing she wore jeans and a black leather
jacket. Her noisy high heels were replaced by black combat
boots, slick blonde hair was pulled into a tight ponytail at the
nape of her neck. I stepped out of the shadows. “Mrs. Finch?” I
spoke. Her eyes widened when she saw me and she ran toward me.
“Noah, you’re okay”, she wrapped me in her arms. I hugged her
back, so relieved I was no longer alone.
“What are you doing here?” I asked her, “where are my parents?”
She sighed and looked around nervously, “we can’t talk here”.
She took my shoulders and guided me down the hallway she just
came from, she made a series of sharp turns before stopping at a
door, carved into sandstone, she pushed me inside. The room was
circular as well. It had a table and chairs and weird equipment
on all sides. Mrs. Finch pulled out a chair, “Noah sit down”,
she said. I just sat in the seat like a robot, my eyes drooped,
I looked around for a clock.
“Noah your parents are dead.” Mrs. Finch spoke softly hazel
eyes searched mine trying to gauge my reaction.
“What!” I sputtered “Why, how?” I tried not to cry but it was
no use tears spilled over and I paced the room.
Mrs. Finch calmly continued to talk. “Your parents, they are in
charge of this place. It is called The Tier. They are
scientists, they create these helicopters, they send them into
the world, invisible to the human eye. The helicopters are
looking for people. When they find them they bring them back
here to this place.”
“What kind of people?” I interrupted.
Mrs. Finch sighed. “These people are not meant to be on our
earth, Noah. Long ago, when our planet was formed it is said
that a piece broke off, flying into space. That piece formed a
new planet, very unlike our own. The creatures there don’t have
laws, rules, or any type of government. Any crime is legal, and
it is every man for themselves. We call it Planet Red. Planet
Red has been sending their humans here, making them look like
our own. They are the reason we have crimes, people killing
people. With all these creatures gone, we would have peace.”
I sat back in the chair and tried to let it all sink in. This
wasn’t just a large cave of rooms, it was a jail. “So who
killed my parents?” I asked.
She looked at me with sympathetic eyes and continued, “The
leader of Planet Red, caught on to what your parents were doing,
capturing the creatures, returning them to their original state,
and then making them disappear into dust. The leader was angry.
He came to this planet. He got your parents, and he is still out
there. We must find him. He is the most dangerous of them all,
and if we let him live among us, many people will die. You
weren’t supposed to find out about all of this until you turned
sixteen, but considering the circumstances, I had to tell you.”
I sat back in the chair rooted there. I had so many more
questions, my eyes drooped again, what time was it? Mrs. Finch
ushered me from the chair back into the dim hallways. We went up
a level and turned to the first door. It was a small room with a
bed. “You will be safe in here tonight”, said Mrs. Finch. “ I am
right next door if you need me.” I walked to the bed and let
tears lull me into a deep, dream less sleep.
I awoke with a start, yesterday’s events washing over me like
an icy cold wave, gripping me with it’s strength and pulling me
to reality. Sitting next to me was cereal, and an old pocket
watch. I gripped it like a life line and opened it. Eleven in
the afternoon. I yearned for the bright Arizona sunlight. I ate
quickly and walked out my door. I weaved through hallways, until
I saw a door with a light glowing from underneath it. I pushed
the door open carefully. There was no one in the room, but it
was lined with little vaults, thousands of them that went up in
a circular fashion. I tapped on one of the vaults, cold metal
stinging my finger. It popped open without protest. I jumped
back. Inside there was a photo, or should I say, mugshot. A man
in his mid thirties with eyes as black as night looked back at
me. Underneath it read. Mason Tred, murder in the first degree,
assault and battery. I moved on to another vault, Johnna Buck.
Arson and serial murders across Chicago.
These were the people my Dad was catching. I looked around me,
he had caught thousands, how many more were there? I tried to
hold back the cereal I had just eaten. If these people were bad,
how much worse was their leader? Black spots appeared in front
of my eyes as I tried not to think of what had become of my
parents. Tears wet my face and I pushed them away.
I left the vault and wandered to find Mrs. Finch. She was in a
room tinkering with helicopters. She showed me how they worked,
becoming invisible to the human eye, they detected something in
these creatures that were not in humans. Dark spots in their
hearts that did not belong in ours. They touched them with a
sharp needle and exploded them into dust. I turned the
helicopters around in my hand, small, only the size of my palm.
Every time one was captured a new vault appeared, with a new
sheet of paper.
Mrs. Finch explained to me that the leader, identified as Jacv,
was able to disguise the black part of his heart, Dad had been
working on another helicopter to detect him by looking past his
disguise. “He was successful but has not told me where the
helicopter is, I have looked everywhere”, said Mrs. Finch. I
crunched my eyebrows together in though. I touched the cargo
pocket in my shorts and pulled out the brass key. Its weight in
my hand feeling heavier than before. “ I found this in my
parents room”, I said. Mrs. Finch took it from my hand and
turned it in hers. She tossed it back at me quickly, I missed it
and it flew behind me, hitting the ground hard a green burst of
light appeared in the middle of the two hands. The key floated
upward and floated, traveling down the hallway. Mrs. Finch and I
ran after it, it darted through hallways like it knew where it
was going. Out of breath we stopped on the main floor with the
pond. The key hovered over it and then fell, sinking like a
brick into the dark water.
I didn’t hesitate, I jumped after it, the depth of the pond
shocking me as I tried to follow the green light. My lungs
burned, craving oxygen, I pushed further reaching my fingers out
willing them to wrap around the key. Fire lit inside me burning
my lungs from the inside out, I struggled in the deep water. It
poured in through my nose, and my mouth, I stopped swimming,
sinking further as my eyes focused on the green light sinking
below me. The pain was gone, replaced with numbness. As my eyes
began to close something shot me up, I soared to the surface,
landing hard on my back on the sandstone floor. Mrs. Finch ran
to me, holding up my head as I coughed up water. As I sat up, I
realized the pond had completely drained, and at the bottom sat
a single helicopter, and a single vault. I lowered myself down
into the empty hole, I opened the vault. In it was a picture of
a man, Jacv. Underneath new words began to appear. Murder of
Emily and Dan Bates. My parents. The writing continued, robbery,
assault. We needed to stop him before any more words appeared.
* need some suggestions for the end!
#Post#: 340--------------------------------------------------
Revision's for 1st Draft
By: ruther50 Date: February 16, 2014, 12:47 pm
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confusion.” I can visualize exactly what he is doing
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leaves me wondering where his parents are. I like as a reader,
when I can try and guess where the story is going, and I can
attempt to do so in your story.
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the wording, it is confusing and hard to follow along with. Too
many p and b sounds
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came from, she made a series of sharp turns before stopping at a
door, carved into sandstone, she pushed me inside.” I would
separate this into two different sentences. Period after “from”
New sentence at “She made a”
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after softly
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adjective or verb because you already used it at the begging of
the story
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semicolon after read
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helicopter that Noah broke before entering this underground
world is the only helicopter that can be used to find Jacv. But
Noah broke it, so he has to find a way out and back into the
real world, fix the broken helicopter and it will find Jacv and
destroy him.
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job of hinting towards the helicopter as an important element in
the beginning of the story, especially saying that Noah hated
them and that his dad worked on them
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the settings very well
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like, so we may picture this little boy inside our heads.
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being scientists? Maybe we should be given that hint in the
beginning of the story.
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this? Why is she part of this underground world?
-Kiersten Rutherford
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