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#Post#: 52--------------------------------------------------
HOW AVOID CODEPENDENT IN RELATIONSHIP
By: Emmytec4 Date: December 14, 2012, 9:24 am
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=> 1 Get counseling, if needed to become healthy. In order for a
relationship to be healthy you have
to be healthy yourself. Get into counseling; find a
friend who can help you grow~someone you
trust to tell you the truth. Although they might be
tougher to hear from, a non-friend works well
here.
=>2 Give 100% to the relationship and expect
nothing in return. This is unconditional love. You have to know
this kind of love before you can
give it away! If you both are doing this the
relationship will grow. This means spending the
time you give your partner with your partner,
enjoying and appreciating the relationship as it
is. This does not mean centering your life around your
relationship, neglecting your job, your
friends, your hobbies and your own needs. Give
what you can give freely without sacrifice or
resentment and take care of yourself without
expecting your partner to take care of you. If
you don't take care of yourself, you'll get run down to the
point you can't take care of your
partner or anyone else.
=>3 Address hurts. When you feel hurt and want to get angry, you
have to be willing to look for the
cause of the behavior that hurt you and address
the cause. This is like counting to ten, waiting to
speak before you act. If you need to get angry
you can always do it later. But when you get at
the cause of the behavior you can help the person understand
what happened and tell them
you got hurt. Now you are building the
relationship and not doing damage to it.
=>4 Understand the idea of personal boundaries
and hold yours. Make them clear to your partner including the
negotiable gray areas that are part
of any healthy relationship. Respect your
partner's boundaries. When you're hurt or angry,
stop and reflect on why you're hurt or angry.
Identify whether the issue is that you want to
cross your partner's boundaries or whether it's your partner
invading yours. If you want
something unreasonable, like crossing their
boundaries, understanding that can help you let
go of that desire. If you want something
reasonable, like holding your own boundaries,
then stand up for yourself assertively.
=>5 Do not insult your partner in any arguments . Just don't
call names or label them. Don't say
"You're lazy. Focus on your own feelings, needs
and points. "I feel as if I have to do all the
housecleaning" is not insulting. "You lazy slob,
you never do anything around the house" is
insulting. If you behave this way consistently, you can
establish the pattern. =>6 Translate any insults from your
partner in an
argument into what is really being said. "I'm mad because you
don't do enough
housecleaning to please me" is a translation of
the lazy slob insult above into information terms.
Accepting that the insults just mean "I'm angry
and frustrated" is vital. They are not true as such,
they are a slanted description of a situation your partner
perceives as real. It may not even be true,
if so then communicating without insults could
help resolve that conflict. If you clean more
efficiently than your partner and finish the same
tasks in half the time, it may look like you're
doing less even though you're accomplishing more. Conversely, if
your partner's better at
cleaning, your results may disappoint your
partner even though you put in the same
amount of time and effort. Discussing these
issues without blaming or insulting is "problem
solving mode" and an important element of any healthy
relationship.
=>7 There will always be conflict in all
relationships. When both partners are comfortable and happy with
the same method of
conflict resolution, they tend to be happier
together no matter what others think of it. Some
couples insult each other constantly in a
lighthearted way because neither takes those
insults seriously - and know that if the insults stop, the issue
is a serious one. Find your comfort
zone and your partner's and explore different
ways of handling conflicts till you find what
works for you.
=>8 Identify any hurtful behaviors or addictions
that are part of the relationship. Become aware of the types of
mind games addicts play. If
you did not grow up in a home with an addict or
alcoholic, it's easy to be blind sided by the games
addicts play. Read about addiction and find
checklists online to examine the hurtful
behaviors within your relationship, both yours and your
partner's. Sometimes healthy behavior
can hurt a lot when a relationship is changing,
but that hurt is necessary to grow past it.
Whoever tries to break the pattern will be seen as
acting hurtfully or selfishly.
=> 9 Look for ways that you may be enabling any
hurtful behaviors or addictions by giving too
much.
=>10 Look at whether you may be attempting to
control your partner's life. If the final decisions on things
always go your way, that's a sign of
codependence. There's give and take in a
healthy relationship. If your partner never does
anything without consulting you, that's a danger
sign and something to work on.
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